Made it Through Christmas... Then Guess What Happened?

Well, I made it though Christmas without Ashlie.  Early on Christmas morning I was really struggling.  I posted on the craft forum I frequent, www.smartbuygal.com/forum, asking for prayers.  The day went pretty well and I could feel the loving "hugs" from all of those who were praying for me.  We took a little Christmas tree down to Ashlie's grave.  My oldest son, his girlfriend, and her brother were able to go with us this time.  It was nice.  Later that evening, we would find our youngest son, who has health issues, laying on his bedroom floor unresponsive.  We rushed him to the hospital.  After a 3 day hospital stay and many, many tests, we still don't know what happened.  We did not see what precipitated the "episode."  They strongly suspect that he had a seizure.  He has had seizures in the past.  What makes this even more scary for us, is that we lost Ashlie to a seizure.  I have had some rough, emotional days these past couple of days.  I'm SO ready for a new year... one without so much pain.
TaTa4Now

Christmas Without an Angel

I don't even know where to begin... Christmas hasn't been the same for me since I lost my parents... that was 6-7 years ago.  Now I have yet one more loved one missing... Ashlie.  How is a person supposed to get through these times without some of the people we love the most?  How will the day be spent?  Well, I'm expected to be please others and be with them on this day.  My husband does not support me staying home where I can at least be in a peaceful place... I am expected to sit and pretend that everything is okay with the world... smile when I'm expected to... act appropriately.  When the truth is... inside I am broken... shattered into a million pieces... never to be "put back together" in the same way.  These losses have changed me.  Yes... I know...  I have SO much to be thankful for... you're a strong person...   I've heard it all.  But guess what?  The pain of such deep losses remains... sometimes it overtakes a person and quite frankly I'm am tired of pretending that everything is okay... because it isn't okay.  I lost my Dad, my Mom, and my child... all three much too early.  I mourn their loss... I miss them...  They were three people who loved me no matter what... loved me for who I was... accepted me for who I am.  Three people who's faces lit up when I walked into a room...  I miss that.  I miss my Dad placing his hand on my cheek, looking me in the straight in the eye and calling me "sweet"...  and meaning it with all of his heart and soul.  I miss my Mom hurriedly making Christmas dinner, making sure each and every person had their favorites... no matter how many dishes she had to make.  I miss going shopping with her... again, her making sure everyone had what they wanted for Christmas... and her getting me a little something each time we went... and of course, eating at Wendy's on our way home... or getting a shake at Dairy Queen.  I miss Ashlie's big smile each and every time she saw me... or when I talked to her... her crooked little smile.  I find myself these past few months looking for acceptance... just simply acceptance.  Acceptance for who I am... for I am just simply me... me... a person with feelings... a person who differs from you.  My parents didn't agree with everything I did or everything I said.  Truly, who would want your parents to do that anyways?  Their role was to guide me in life, which they did well.  I always knew when I walked into my parents home, that they loved me... no matter what.  Oh how I miss that...  Well, at least all three of them are in a better place.  They don't have to want for anything, nor hurt because of others actions.  Heaven is a wonderful place to be... no more pain... no more tears...      God... I will need your strength today... world?... I could use your prayers.
TaTa4Now

Let it Snow!!

We are under a winter weather advisory this morning.  The snow will forever hold a special meaning to me...  I treasure it now.  God decided that we should be blessed with a beautiful snow the day we buried Miss Ashlie.  The snowflakes were huge and fell gracefully to the ground... the releasing of the soft pink and white balloons at the end of her service.  Every time it snows, I think of Ashlie and remember the purity of the white snow... the purity and innocence of a child... taken too soon.

Are You Kidding Me??!!

What a terribly painful day yesterday.  Started off my day picking out a Christmas tree and its decorations for my daughter's grave... not a painfree, easy thing to do.  Next, I attended my young niece's birthday party... another extremely hard thing to do as I can no longer enjoy my own daughter's birthdays.  As if that wasn't enough pain for the day, one of my family member's says something completely unnecessary and uncalled for.  Seriously?  What is it that makes people feel as if they have the right to say whatever they want to someone and then to top it all off, be upset that a person reacts when you say tacky things to them!  Seriously?  Do you think you have the right to be rude, expect someone to not respond to your tacky comment, then play the wounded bird?  Seriously???!!!  I will never understand... never, ever, ever.  Where is God in your life?  He gives you peace in your heart.  I know I prayed and will continue to pray for myself and others... and yes... even for you... as I often do.  Love and miss you my sweet Ash...
TaTa4Now

Aaaarrrggghhh...

What a rough day.  Had to do three rounds of CPR on my little 6 year old patient today.  (He's okay by the way.)  I know God was with me as I breathed and pumped life back into him...  I felt absolutely no fear, no doubts about my choices...  just got in there and did what needed to be done.  As I drove home from such a rough day I pondered...  if only I had the opportunity to save Ashlie's life.  It wasn't meant to be though.  God needed her in heaven.  He has plans for my little guy here on Earth still.  Thank you God for my strength today.
TaTa4Now

Mixed Feelings Today

Crafting away today for a Holiday Mart at my sister-in-law's house this Thursday.  I actually am letting go and enjoying myself today.  It feels wonderful... haven't had so many thoughts of Ashlie and my Mom.  I SO associate crafting with both of them.  Then I have mixed feelings because I feel guilty for being happy and enjoying myself.  Liftup that chin up Cheryl... neither one of them would want to not be able to enjoy life...
TaTa4Now

Black Friday

Today wasn't terribly black.  I had a pretty good day.  Today would have been my Mom's 74th birthday.  Love and miss you Mom!!  Went next door to your favorite store today Ashlie... Justice!  Mom's favorite place to buy you clothes!!  You LOVED that store!!  They had such stylish, brightly colored, glittery stuff.  Miss you my angel...
TaTa4Now

Thankful?

Today I'm supposed to be thankful.  Well, I'm not feeling very thankful this morning.  Many of the most precious people in my life aren't with me today.  For the past several years, I have travelled to where my son-in-law was stationed to make my daughter's family a thanksgiving dinner.  Unfortunately, I can't afford to go this year :(  (they are in Florida.)  My oldest son is working today and then will be with his Dad's family :(  My parents have passed.  My Mom's birthday falls at Thanksgiving.  I've missed her terribly these past few weeks.  I would give anything to walk into their house and feel the love and acceptance I always felt from my parents.  I miss knowing that they loved me... no matter what.  I miss my Mom asking each and every one of us what we wanted for Thanksgiving dinner... and her making each person's favorite.  I miss her frantically running around trying to get everything just right.  She wanted everyone to be happy.  I miss my Dad's strength, he had such wisdom to offer.  Then there's my littlest angel.  I've missed her so much this month.  I remember when she first came to live with us, we had a Thanksgiving dinner to celebrate!  Another of her nurses joined us.  We were so thankful to have yet another addition to our family.  Now we are going into the holidays without her.  So I have the bah-humbugs today.  Guess that tells me I need to do some praying.  I haven't even been doing that much lately.
TaTa4Now

Happy 7th Birthday my Sweet Angel!!

My beautiful angel... happy birthday!!  I so vividly remember the first birthday that I was able to spend with you... your 5th birthday! We bought you a princess tiara and a hot pink boa!!  You looked so cute!!  It was just barely over a month since you had came to live with us.  Hard to believe that it's your 7th birthday and you are gone...  unimaginable.  I never thought we would lose you so soon.  We should be having a birthday party for you today... instead we are grieving your loss... missing you.  Fly high today my angel...
TaTa4Now

Sorry Its Been So Long!! Latest Angelic Encounter?

WOW!  What a month!  My husband just spent 3 weeks in the hospital.  He was in terrible pain and is now quite weak from the lengthy stay and illness.  He will have a fairly long recovery, but is doing well so far.  My daughter had not told my 3-year-old granddaughter that her PaPa was sick nor that he was in the hospital.  FYI - this is the granddaughter that had a VERY special bond with Ashee (as she pronounced her name.)  One day "E", granddaughter, came down from her room, told her Momma "Ashee is at the hopital (again, her pronunciation of hospital) with her Daddy."  My daughter said "what?"  She then repeated, "Ashee is at the hopital with her Daddy."  And off she went to play... nothing more said about it.   
TaTa4Now

Happy Fall Y'all

WOW!  It's already fall!  I remember taking "Miss Ashlie" outside and going for walks around her block.  Leaves all along the sidewalks as we went.  I would purposely make lots of noise kicking and crunching the leaves.  Stopping frequently to pick up different colored leaves and showing you... placing some of them in your hands and crunching them... I would see that tiny, little smile that I first began seeing on your face.  Oh how I treasured those first few smiles that I saw.  I would go home and say "Ashlie smiled today!"  Wow.  You went from tiny, little smiles once about every two weeks, to BIG, BEAUTIFUL smiles frequently.  Momma misses those smiles...
TaTa4Now

Precious Moment Yesterday

Just a quick reminder, I am a registered nurse and have a 5 year-old patient that I spend 7 hours per day with caring for him in his home.  He is non-verbal.  His parents have housekeepers that are from Brazil and speak minimal english.  My little guy was in his wheelchair and it was just about time for school.  As one of the housekeepers went about her work cleaning various items, he would just bust out laughing with a big belly laugh.  I turned his wheelchair around so that he could see her and watch her.  She would hear him and come over and talk to him.  They did this together over and over again, she just couldn't help herself and kept coming over to talk with him.  They both shared the same handicap, he is unable to speak, and she spoke a different language.  But, they understood each other.  It was absolutely precious to witness.  God is good.
TaTa4Now

Is my Denial finally decreasing?

Well, it's been just over 8 months since Miss Ashlie passed.  I think I have finally stopped "shoving down" my denial of her death.  The true reality is sinking in.  As embarassing as it is, I can no longer, albeit unknowingly, pretend that she "never existed..." or that "it's all okay."  I am allowing myself to grieve... to feel.  Yesterday was my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary, what a wonderful milestone to achieve.  My mother-in-law had designed a beautiful slide show showcasing their lives over the past 50 years.  Inadvertently, she chose a song for some of the pictures that we had chosen to play at Ashlie's funeral services.  Man oh man... that hit me hard.  I probably cried one of the hardest cries that I have cried since she passed away.  In an odd way, it felt good.  Felt good to not "stuff down" my feelings, not that I could have stopped them this time.  Believe me I did try, just couldn't do it that day, that time.  Those rough periods like that take a lot out of me.  I'm exhausted today.  But able to enjoy my memories of her.  We also went to her gravesite as we were in the town where she was buried.  I do wish we could have buried her closer to us, but you do what you have to do in those circumstances.  Thank you God for my strength.  Thank you even more for bringing Ashlie into my life.
TaTa4Now

Good Morning My Beautiful Angel

Good Morning Miss Ashlie!  When I was "just" your nurse, for some reason I found myself calling you Miss Ashlie.  It even rubbed off on your physical therapist, speech therapists, and other school people.  Ashlie, these beautiful days are making me miss our frequent walks on the trail when you got home from school... or when we sat on the patio, talking about school, birdies, flowers, trees, and life.  Momma still miss seeing just what those beautiful curls were going to do each and every morning.  They always kept me guessing!  I haven't gotten your Plumeria lotion out to smell it since you left us, but I sure do miss that smell.  You went to school smelling and looking beautiful!  I miss your beautiful smile.  I just miss my Sweet Pea.
TaTa4Now

Yay! Think I'm Headed Down the Mountain Now

It is so nice to be able to look at pictures of Ashlie and remember the wonderful memories that we made together, not what I saw on the dreadful day that she passed away.  That image frequently played over-and-over in my head.  Thank you God!  Also, I am now able to enjoy the crafting that I SO associated with her.  Before she passed, I had been making and selling my crafts to raise money for a wheelchair lift for her.  She often sat with me while I made them... smiling as my Cricut made it's "little buzzing" noises.  Finally, I have been able to start making my crafts again... and I am enjoying myself... it's a wonderful feeling.  Is my heart beginning to heal?
TaTa4Now

Reached a Milestone Today

Yay!!  I was able to create some crafts today!  No longer was I held captive by my pain!  For the first time since Ashlie passed away, I was able to make some of the craft items that I had been making and selling to raise funds for a wheelchair lift for our vehicle for Ashlie.  I can not explain the feeling of the "lightening" of my heart.  It is a wonderful feeling.  Thank you God for giving me the strength to once again enjoy one of my favorite past-times.  No longer will this area of my lift be held hostage by the pain of the loss of my Ashlie.  Which hurdle is next?
TaTa4Now

My Li'l Darlin'

My Darling Angel,
     Your Momma misses you!  I miss your smile when you woke-up in the morning.  I miss wrapping those curls around my finger.  I took those small things for granted.  I thought they would be there for many more years.  What do you think of heaven?  We had such a beautiful day the other day, the sunshine was amazing.  I couldn't help but think of what you see in heaven.  We have such a beautiful earth...  colorful flowers, green grass, snow-capped mountains.  How glorious it must be for you!  You keep on running and playing up there... with those curls bounce, bounce, bouncing in the wind.  I would love to hear you giggle as you run among the flowers, watch your face as you stop to pet the bunny, gaze as the sunshine bounces off of your hair.  You are so very loved... and so dearly missed.  Momma struggles with what she should do in your honor.  I had made such big plans, and had began the process of raising money so that we could put a wheelchair lift in "Betty", the van.  Just thinking about the crafts that I was making and selling for your lift makes me sick to my stomach now.  I want to get started making crafts again, but I SO much associate making them with my precious girl.  My emotions are torn as to what I should do.  Yet another decision God will have to help me with.  But first, I must put it in His hands.
     My heart also aches for my cousin.  He recently lost a child while serving in the military, fighting for our freedom.  God be with them.  We know his son is in heaven... heaven has received yet another guardian angel.
TaTa4Now

Visited Her Grave Today

We visited Ashlie's grave today.  Unfortunately, her grave is two hours away from home.  Yesterday we bought pink spray paint to paint the two shepard's hooks that we had previously purchased for her gravesite.  We hadn't planned on getting the paint, just bought it on a whim.  Well, today we had to make an unexpected trip to the town where she is buried.  Worked out perfectly!  We got the hooks painted, placed in the ground, and hung the colorful items from them that we had purchased in her honor.  We left her grave with the lime green, pink, sparkly items blowing in the wind... just as her curls do now as she gallops all around heaven... playing... laughing
TaTa4Now

Ashlie... you little stinker

     Ashlie... you did it again.  My oldest daughter, my granddaughter, and I went to visit my little patient.  After we got home, my granddaughter said to me "MiMi, I told (my patient's name) bye-bye and Ashee (her pronunciation of Ashlie) bye-bye."  I then said "did Ashlie go with us to (patient's name)'s house?" To which she replied "yes, MiMi" and then looked at me like, well DUH MiMi, of course she did.  Ashlie and my precious granddaughter sure did have a special bond.  God intends for it to live on... forever... just like Ashlie's memory will.  I sure do miss you Miss Ashlie.  I also am missing my grandbabies and their parents.  They left for the East Coast today, returning back to the Air Force base where my son-in-law serves our country.
     I have an interview in the morning!!  Please say a prayer for me!!  I am emotionally drained from my current job.
TaTa4Now

Let the Healing Begin

Last night I played with my grandbabies while their Momma and Daddy went to a movie.  Of course, I turned cartoons on for them.  Some of Ashlie's favorite cartoons just happened to be on the TV.  I haven't watched them since Ashlie passed away.  I actually found myself enjoying watching them... remembering how Ashlie would smile as she watched them and not take her eyes off of the TV.  It felt good to have a memory of Ashlie that didn't cause me pain, but brought me joy.  I hope I am beginning to transition into the healing, less painful mode of this journey.  Great evening!!
TaTa4Now

Angelic Encounters through my Granddaughter

All I can say is Wow... what a spectacular day.  My daughter, son-in-law, and precious grandchildren have made it here for a one week stay!  Words can not describe how much I LOVE them being here!!  This evening, my now 3-year-old granddaughter, "E", that was so close to my Ashlie, came to me and said this:  "MiMi, you need to hold Ashie's, how she says Ashlie, arm."  I said, "I do?"  To which she replied, "Yes MiMi, you do."  She then went on to say, "Ashie died.  She went to heaven.  MiMi say," and she says it loud like I did the morning that I found my sweet Ashlie gone, "Ashie's dead, Ashie's dead!"  and MiMi cry, and she makes the sounds of boohoohoo.  Then she proceeds to take me upstairs to "hold Ashie's arm."  Now, mind you, we now live where Ashlie never lived.  So, I go upstairs with E, while she is saying "come on MiMi, come on."  We go in each upstairs room, looking for Ashlie.  Then she takes me halfway down the stairs to the "midway" landing on them.  She proceeds to talk about MiMi holding Ashie's arm.  Then she begins to rub her arm up and down, and insists that Ashie wants to "hold your arm MiMi and do like this.  You do it MiMi," and I did.  Then on the edge of the stairs right above the memorial area that we have set up for Ashlie, which is also where we were standing, she tells me that I need to turn around one of the angels that I have sitting there.  E tells me that "Ashie wants it that way."  She then goes on the tell me that "Ashie is sad MiMi.  She wants to dance with her Daddy" and keeps pointing to the corner saying "see MiMi.  She is sad, she wants to dance with her Daddy."  Well, her Daddy was at work.  I called him and had E tell him that Ashlie was sad and wants to dance with her Daddy.  Later in the evening, E kept saying "see MiMi, there's Ashie."  I would say "where?"  E would point at a white pedestal that I bought as part of her memorial that we have in our home.  A very precious portrait that we found and looks almost EXACTLY like Ashlie, has an angel child sitting on a white pedestal.  E told us this twice tonite, about Ashlie sitting on the pedestal.  Wow... how comforting.  I can't explain how wonderful that feels.  I knew E and Ashlie had a special bond, but I did not realize it was such a powerful bond that it would continue even after Ashlie passed away.  God is good... 

Is it Friday Yet?

Had a very rough day today.  Missed Ashlie SO much.  Between trying to "cram" down that pain, "cram" down the difficulty of caring for a patient that is so much like her, and "cramming" down other life stressors, I thought I was gonna go crazy today.  I'm so tired of trying to "hold" every thing together.  Tired of pretending that everything is okay.  Because, dangit... everything ISN'T okay!  I wanted to scream, wanted to cry, wanted to scream, scream again, and scream some more!  What probably kept me from screaming was knowing that it would scare my little patient.  I felt like a little child who needed to pee!  I kept squirming where I was sitting, getting up and down, pacing the floor.  It sucked... and I can truly say that in my 45 years I have NEVER felt that way.  No... not me... I'm always in control... I MUST remain in control... I am EXPECTED to BE in control.  Ugghh...  I'm worn out.  Anyone else want to "take over the wheel" for me?  I want to ride in the passenger seat... I'll let someone else drive.  Okay... I'm waiting... I'm sitting in the passenger seat...  the car isn't moving.  Darn... that means I'm back in the driver's seat again in the morning.  So... for tonite.  I'm going to pretend that I'm okay with driving.  Pretend... yes... pretend.  I'm finding out that I'm not quite as good at pretending as I thought.  I really need to rely on God.  I'm not even able to rely on God as I should.  I continue to believe that I created the situation, therefore I must fix it myself.  It is my responsibility.  Ugghh... my head hurts.  I'm gonna go lay in bed and watch TV.
p.s.  Today is my granddaughter's 3rd birthday!  She will be at MiMi's house next week!!  I can't wait to see my daughter and her family!  MiMi is having a birthday party for "E" too!  They will be here for a week!!!  I can't wait!!
TaTa4Now

Good Morning... Angel Encounter?

Good morning my beautiful angel!  Did you come see my little guy, my 5 year old patient, yesterday?  Yet again, he was looking away from me, and just kept laughing, and laughing, and laughing.  Yet again, I felt a loving warmth and could only think of you my darling angel.  I know you are playing with him... are you telling him stories about me too?  You better not be!  Momma's gotta go get in the shower.  Love you sweet pea!!
TaTa4Now

Missing My Girl

     Really missing Ashlie today, well I have been since the 6th.  Had a lot of errands to run today.  Seems like everywhere I went I saw something and would think "that would be so cute in Ashlie's room."  Only to then remember that she was gone.  Those thoughts can make for rough days.  Today my husband and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniverary.  We had a nice discussion about how much Ashlie changed our lives and how much the changed the lives of those around us.  She was deeply loved and is deeply missed.  Some of my favorite times spent with Ashlie were:  after school when we walked the trail, when we sat on the patio after school talking about my flowers and nature, when I read aloud her communication sheet from school which told what she did at school that day, when I "ooo-ed and awe-ed" over her artwork, when I sang to her, when I twirled those beautiful curls around my fingers, and simply when I held her.
     Next week my grandbabies will be here from Florida!!  My oldest grandchild will be 3!!  WOW!!  Time sure flies!!  I also applied for two new jobs this week.  We will see if I hear from either of them.  My current job is becoming almost unbearable.  I fight within myself to "NOT get attached."  It is EXTREMELY difficult to watch another family getting to enjoy their child, who is SO much like my Ashlie, when I can't enjoy mine.  I know God has a plan...  I just wish he would let me in on it!!
TaTa4Now

Trying to Get Back on Track

Trying to get back on track from the six month smacked-in-the-face, knocked-me-off-my-feet anniversary of Ashlie's passing.  Man... that hit me hard... caught me WAY off guard.  Those really rough times are such an emotional setback... seems like it takes me a while to recuperate.  I'll think I'm... well, I don't know what it would be called... I guess it would just be getting on in a life that doesn't have Ashlie in it.  Then you have these horribly difficult times that are big hurdles to make it over.  But I guess I make it over!  Something that can make those times even more difficult is when someone discounts your feelings.  Too often, others can say things about how you might react to something that seems little or trivial to them,and this can hurt very deeply.  If a grieving person feels strongly about needing to do something, or see something, don't discount that persons need.  Don't be selfish and not want someone to do something that fills a need for them.  What I'm trying to say is this... if your loved one has a need to talk to a person that was involved in the death of a loved one, perhaps by their job choice (they were just doing their job.)  Don't stop them from talking to them.  Especially when your loved one has expressed needing to do it for several months and the opportunity presents itself.  For your loved one it feels like yet another loss... another lost opportunity.
Thanks to my mother-in-law and sister-in-law for helping set up a little memorial area in our home to memorialize Ashlie.  My husband and I had felt that a little area memorializing her would be nice to have.  I had been picking up a few things, and had some ideas, but just needed help pulling it together.
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Six Months Ago Today

My darling Ashlie,
Six months ago today God took you to be with him in heaven.  I was not ready for you to go, but He had his plan.  You no longer need your wheelchair, you no longer have those terribly long seizures, you no longer have a feeding tube, and best of all, you are no longer in pain.  You can run and play in heaven with green, green grass and brightly colored flowers at your feet... those beautiful curls bouncing in the wind.  You always loved the wind blowing through your hair.  Your Momma is unable to find the words to describe how much I miss you... for the world is a different place without you in it.  I miss your smile... for you greeted me with a smile each and every time you saw me.  I miss wrapping your curls around my finger... your hair had grown so much and was so beautiful.  I miss getting you ready for school each morning, picking out your clothes to make sure you looked your best.  I miss pushing you in your wheelchair out to the school bus... with your niece, "E" on your lap when she was visiting... you loved them both very much, school and "E", and they loved you back equally as much.  I miss our special time when you got home from school.  I would anxiously look through your Communication Folder from school, where they would share what you did at school that day... you would smile as I read aloud from the sheet, smiling even bigger as we excitedly discussed what you had made.  I miss us going and walking the trail afterschool.  You were always so relaxed... enjoyed it so... and slept all the way back home.  If we didn't walk the trail, we would sit outside on the patio, talking about Momma's flowers, talking about nature.  Simply put... I miss you.  I miss you so much it hurts inside.  I anxiously await the day I see you again... in heaven. 
TaTa4Now

Another Angelic Encounter?

Today the sky was full of low-lying, rainfilled clouds, but no rain.  As I was driving to work today, my windshield was spritzed with am itsy bitsy, teenie, tiny rain shower.  Just enough to cover about half of the windshield.  I found myself feeling the overwhelming presence of Ashlie...  Ashlie giggling as she squirted me...  Ashlie running off with her beautiful curls a bouncin'.  It was such a comforting feeling.  I then found myself laughing outloud and saying outloud "you little stinker.  You did that didn't you Ashlie?!"
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Can't Get The Image Out of my Head

     The image of how I found my daughter on the day she passed is stuck in my head.  I see it all of the time.  It is worse in my mind now than it actually was on the day it happened.  I won't go into details on here, but what I now see isn't what I found.  Why is this happening?  When will it stop?  Will it ever stop? 
     I still do not cry about her being gone.  Oh, I cry a few tears.  Then I quickly stop myself and stuff, stuff, stuff it down.  Cheryl, you can not cry.  You, my dear, must be the strong one.  You are the one that holds the family together.  Great... I'm the one holding the family together?!  Who's gonna catch me when I fall?  If I do fall, how is my family going to handle it?  Who will replace me in holding the family together?  Simply put... YOU MUST NOT FALL!  You can't... 
     I find myself not even praying for God's help any more.  How can he help me?  I don't even know what I need.  All I know is this...  I feel as if I have slipped off of the edge, into a big, nasty pit... and I don't even want to crawl out.  I'm tired of fighting, digging... slipping back into the pit.  So, Cheryl, what are you going to do about it?  Well, I feel that I need to get some mental health counseling to help me through this.  But... guess what?  My employer cancelled my insurance while I was off work after my daughter passed away.  So now I have no health insurance.  Ugghh... what's a girl to do.
TaTa4Now

Time for Some Truth

Today I decided it was time for some honesty.  No more hiding.  Time to 'fess up.  I've been doing some deep soul searching, trying to figure something out about myself.  As I have mentioned before, I rarely allow myself to cry about Ashlie's passing.  If I do, I quickly shove it right back down where it came from.  For at least the past two weeks, I haven't been sleeping well.  I actually awaken just as tired as I was when I went to bed.  I do not feel rested at all.  I would love to know what is going on in that mind of mine.  My sleep is so interrupted, fragmented... I constantly watch the clock.  Well, I think perhaps I have figured it out.  In all of my reading, learning, educating myself about grief, I continuously read about the two year mark after losing a child.  This is when a person hits their lowest point.  I think I'm afraid to get there... to get to that deepest, darkest point in my grief.  What happens if I never come back?  What happens if I stay locked in that grief?  So therefore, as I often do with my feelings, I shove them down...  deep down inside.   I must be the strong one... I am the one who is expected to and who must keep everything together.  I have to be the strong one, I have to be the breadwinner, I have to be the everything... it feels like to me.  This can be extremely overwhelming at times.  I think I am letting all of the feelings of responsibility keep me from properly grieving.  Being a nurse, I know that it is not healthy to supress your feelings.  It only comes back to haunt you at some point.  I also know that I would benefit from counseling, but how on earth can a person afford counseling when you don't have any health insurance, yet another thing that we lost after Ashlie passed away.  My employer cancelled my insurance while I was off.  Ugghh...
TaTa4Now

Angelic Encounter?? Memorial Day

Well... I think the angels were at it again.  My 2 year-old granddaughter, "E", wanted to call her MiMi, me.  Here is our phone conversation:
E:  "MiMi, where's Ashie (her word for Ashlie)?"
MiMi: "She's in Heaven."
E: "No, MiMi" and a pause... "Momma, where's Ashie?"
Momma says: "She's in Heaven, honey."
E: "No Momma... she's in..." and she named a town.  This town was recently devastated by a tornado.  Ashlie and E were both born in this town, at the same hospital.  Although, E now lives on the East coast where her Daddy serves our country in the Navy.  This same town is also where Ashlie had the horrible car wreck that caused her disabilities.  After our conversation, I was left pondering this thought... was Ashlie one of the many angels sent to this town to watch over people or perhaps she even accompanied them on their journey to Heaven.  Was this yet another one of God's plans for Ashlie...?
This is Memorial Day weekend.  We visited Ashlie's gravesite yesterday.  It was so hard.  It just doesn't seem fair.  I shouldn't be putting an angel statue and flowers on her grave.  Why my child?
TaTa4Now!

Planted Daisies for Ashlie

Well, this C R A Z Y weather finally leveled off enough to allow me to plant some flowers outside, it has been too cold outside at night for them to survive.  One of Ashlie's previous nurses and I, were preparing Ashlie's new room at our house, and had chosen some Gerber daisy stems to use as decor in her room... such bright, lovely colors... bright yellow, turquoise, lime green, hot pink, and purple... bright and colorful as she was.  Yesterday, I planted real gerber daisies in a bright blue pot... for Ashlie... they now sit next to the angel figurine that her youngest biological brother's family, he's also adopted, had sent in a flower arrangement when she passed away.  This completed a wonderful day spent with family, either on the phone, or in person.  I was blessed to spend time with my husband and youngest son, talk with my older son on the phone and make plans for the summer, and say nighttime prayers with my granddaughter.  Although my granddaughter didn't thank Jesus for her MiMi, just PaPa... LOL  children are so precious...  take the time and enjoy them.  You never know what God has planned...
TaTa4Now

Six Years Ago Today

Wow... six years ago today my Mother went to be with Jesus.  Although I have learned to live without her, I still miss her dearly.  I miss her when I go to garage sales, I miss her at holidays, I miss her when I'm cooking, I miss her when I'm sad.  Obviously... I just plain miss my Mom.  Some times I'm even jealous that she gets to be with my Ashlie, just kidding Mom.  What do you think of her beautiful, bouncing curls?!  You've been on my mind all day.  I hope I've made you proud.  Love you forever...
TaTa4Now

Bittersweet Day

Yesterday was a bittersweet day for me.  We had purchased a conversion van, the BIG HUGE one, to transport Ashlie and her wheelchair in.  For some reason I had named her Betty.  Yes, I do realize that it is a bit odd to name a vehicle, but... I did.  She was quite old and had very high mileage... she was beginning to wear out.  I had to trade her in on a more economical car yesterday.  It was quite bittersweet.  I was excited to be getting a more dependable vehicle, but sad to yet again have to get rid of something that was Ashlie's.  I did remember to get a picture of Betty before I took her off to the dealership.
This was an extremely rough week.  Mother's Day took a lot out of me emotionally.  I still struggle with how other's can expect you to participate in someone else's Mother's Day activities involving young children, without thinking about the effects of it on someone who just buried a child.  Maybe I'm just being selfish...  really?  nah, I think others were being selfish.  I find that if I am at all assertive, people around me resent it.  Hmm... they are far too used to my letting them walk all over me.
TaTa4Now

A Rough Mother's Day

Mother's Day was terribly difficult this year.  I've had some difficult Mother's Days since I lost my Mom, but this year was the worst ever.  Not only did I miss my Mom, I felt empty inside knowing that Ashlie wasn't here with me.  Church was even difficult.  But, as I far too often do, I forced my feelings down and made it through.  Just like I did while attending a family obligation.  Words cannot express how difficult it was to watch someone else enjoy their children when you have one in heaven that you can't enjoy.  Thankfully I still have other children that I can enjoy.  Better yet, I have grandbabies!
I have to vent about one thing though.  Mother's Day being so difficult, of course I got a migraine.  Still had it Monday morning so I called in sick to work.  For those of you who don't know, I am a nurse that goes into my patient's home and cares for him 7 hours a day.  This was the first time in 3 years that I called into work.  Guess what??!!  My employer didn't call my patient's family and tell them that I had called in sick!  Yeah... really.  They didn't even let my family know.  I was flabbergasted (not sure about spelling)!  Unbelievable...
TaTa4Now

Who Left That on my Bed?

While shopping for what to wear at Ashlie's funeral services, my sister-in-law bought me a beautiful cross necklace.  I had forgotten to take it off on the Sunday that we moved, after church.  As I was working, moving our belongings and knowing that I shouldn't do it, I stuck it in my husband's shirt pocket.  That was the last that I saw of it and he hadn't seen it either.  This left me brokenhearted... devastated.  Well, a few nights ago, I had gone to bed.  My husband was still awake downstairs.  A bit later, I had gotten up to use the restroom, my husband was still downstairs.  When I came back to bed, there laid the necklace!  My precious cross necklace... safe and sound.  Needless to say, I was ELATED! 
Hmm...  wonder who left it there...

On another note... this will be a rough Mother's Day this year.  But I did just get to have lunch with my oldest son.  It was fabulous!!  Happy Mother's Day everyone!!  I hope you have a blessed day!!
TaTa4Now!

Angels Among Us?

My granddaughter was visiting this past week, she was very close to Ashlie.  My daughter, granddaughter, and I were in a store that I had frequented before Ashlie passed away and had purchased her something for her room.  As we stood in line waiting to pay for our items, my granddaughter, "E", said "MiMi, Ashee (her word for Ashlie) wave at you."  Just a bit later E says "Ashee kiss you on the cheek MiMi."  Miraculously, I had felt a slight "brush" against my cheek.  I wouldn't have thought anything of it if E hadn't said that to me.  My granddaughter is only two year old.
The reality of Ashlie's death continues to "soak" in.  I still find myself doubting the reality of her being gone.
TaTa4Now!

Listening to the Music for Ashlie's Services

This morning, as I await my grandbabies arriving, I am listening to the music we chose for Ashlie's services.  Words can not express how much it means to me that my oldest daughter was able to help me find those songs.  I feel as if those songs were written just for us!  They are truly beautiful songs.  It just isn't fair that she had to leave us so early.  She had such a terrible start in life.  We just wanted to make life better for her... and just wanted her to know that she was loved... no matter what.  Maybe I should share these song titles with you, perhaps they could bring you some comfort also.  Here they are:
"I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe (Contemporary Christian)
"Angels Among Us" by Alabama (Country)
"Only Time" by Enya (New Age)
"Fly" by Celine Dion (Pop)
"In the Arms of an Angel" by Celtic Woman (?)
"One Sweet Day" by Maria Carey (R & B/Soul)
"Holes in the Floor of Heaven" by Steve Wariner (Country)
"Wind Beneath my Wings" by Bette Midler (?)
"Sissy's Song" by Alan Jackson (Country)
"I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston (Pop)
"My Heart Will Go On" by James Horner from "Titanic" movie (Pop)
During her visitation, we played all of them in the background.  At her funeral service, we played the first four, in that order.
Ashlie, you sure were and still are loved and you are greatly, deeply missed.  Your beautiful smile touched many people.  It is impossible to forget.  Keep the rain coming for that tree the school planted!
TaTa4Now

What an Amazing Day!

Today was Ashlie's Memorial Service at her school.  It went perfectly.  Although we had been having some thunderstorms and heavy rain, we just had a slight sprinkle during the service.  The school had planted a dogwood tree, donated by Masonic Lodge #19; planted pansies around it with a border; her physical therapist brought a beautiful flat faced rock; and the school nurse had a plaque made stating "In Memory of Ashlie Danielle ***** 2004 - 2011" and it was attached to the rock.  We also provided brightly colored balloons to each student in her classes, the staff, and for family.  At the count of three, they were released... the children giggled with delight and yelled "Yay Ashlie!  Yay Ashlie!"  It was perfect.  We stood watching them dance in the wind heading East, then they turned and headed South, which is the direction in which she is buried.  They also presented us with a birdhouse.  When some of the school staff visited our home after Ashlie passed away, they noticed all of my birds and birdhouses.  On the birdhouse, was every child's name and staff's names.  There were two of them.  One for us and one will hang her tree when it becomes big enough to support it.  We feel so blessed to have had such a wonderful school family.  They truly loved her, as did we.
Here is one version of the legend of the dogwood tree:  "At the time of Crucifixion the dogwood had been the size of the oak and other forest trees. So firm and strong was the tree that it was chosen as the timber for the cross. To be used thus for such a cruel purpose greatly distressed the tree, and Jesus nailed upon it, sensed this.  In His gentle pity for all sorrow and suffering Jesus said to the tree:  "Because of your regret and pity for My suffering, never again shall the dogwood tree grow large enough to be used as a cross. Henceforth it shall be slender and bent and twisted and its blossoms shall be in the form of a cross--two long and two short petals. And in the center of the outer edge of each petal there will be nail prints, brown with rust and stained with red, and in the center of the flower will be a crown of thorns, and all who see it will remember."
What an Amazing Day!!  Thank you God!!  (Also thank you for getting my oldest daughter, son-in-law, and grandbabies here safely!)
TaTa4Now

What a Disappointing Day

Well, I called the hospice place yesterday to see how the hiring process was going.  They now informed me that they want someone with hospice experience!  Are you kidding me?  They have been telling me for three months now that I am "exactly what they are looking for", "we know you would be perfect", etc.  Nowhere in the job ad did it say "hospice experience required."  That is why I applied!  What a let down.  Oh, but she was sure to add, "but we haven't made a decision yet."  Okay, if they can't find anyone else, they might choose me?  I LOVE being leftovers.  I'll do if there's NOTHING else.  Geesh.  So... God, PLEASE show me what you have planned for me.  I'm not feeling so whoopie about myself today. 
Sunday night I thought I "saw" Ashlie peeking around the TV in our bedroom.  All I saw were those bouncing curls... and heard her giggling.  Monday, I heard one of the songs we played at her services, my favorite one, on the radio three times during my commutes to and from work.  It was "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe.  If you aren't familiar with the song, its beautiful.  Its a contemporary Christian song.  We played it at my parents funerals too.
TaTa4Now

Another Angel Story?

I am chatting with my oldest daughter on facebook right now.  This is the conversation she overheard her daughter, 2 1/2 years old, "E", who was VERY close to Ashlie, saying:  "Hi Ashee(her word for Ashlie), see frog?"  "E" had put another chair next to hers and kept talking away about school in heaven and she go in airplane with daddy, her daddy serves our country in airplanes, to go to sky to heaven.  Within a few more minutes, "E" told Ashee "she is so excited, she going to Mimi's, my house, in a couple days," which she is coming to visit next weekend.  Then she asked her momma "where Ashee go?"  To which my daugher replied, "she went back to heaven. "  "E" then said "yeah, she went back to heaven on the school bus."  The innocence of children.  Thank you God.
TaTa4Now

News We've Been Waiting to Hear!

We found out today that Ashlie's school is having their little "memorial service" for her next Friday, April 22nd!  We have been anxiously awaiting the day we get to celebrate her life with her schoolmates and school staff.  They are going to plant a tree and we want to release balloons.  We released pastel pink and white balloons at her funeral and I want to release bright colors at her school.  That's all the plans that we know of so far!  I'm so excited, yet a bit anxious too.  I will have to leave work, go to the service, and then go back to work.  This might be a little hard to do.  At least I have about a 30 minute drive back to work.  I have really been enjoying this beautiful weather we have been having, but that also is bittersweet.  Ashlie and I quite often would sit outside on the patio when she came home from school.  She frequently fell asleep while soaking up some sunshine... wonderful memories!
TaTa4Now

Will It Ever Stop?

Every time I look at my favorite picture of Ashlie, I see what she looked like when I found her the dreadful morning that she passed away.  That "tape recording" plays over and over in my head so frequently... will it ever stop?
TaTa4Now

Shared More of Ashlie's Medical Supplies

We were able to share more of Ashlie's medical supplies last night.  Words can't really describe how good it feels to share her supplies.  We also heard from her school yesterday and they are ready to setup the day to celebrate Ashlie!  The entire school will be involved in a ceremonial tree planting at her school!!  We are so excited!  Can't wait to celebrate with the school personnel and friends that she loved so much. 
Still haven't heard about the hospice job yet... aargghh!!
TaTa4Now!

What a Wonderful Day

What a beautiful day!  Its so nice to see the sun shining and listen to the birds chirping.  We met a wonderful family today.  The drove all the way from Iowa to pick-up some medical supplies that they had purchased from us.  We truly enjoyed our conversation with them.  God works in mysterious ways.  We feel blessed today.
TaTa4Now

Thank You Miss Ashlie

On my way home from the first part of my split shift, I flipped my radio from country to an inspirational station.  They were discussing how people write in and say how much they were touched by a particular song relating to particular circumstances in their lives.  I wondered to myself, wow, wouldn't it be nice if I heard one of the songs we chose for Ashlie's services.  Well, not too far on down the road one of them came on!  I needed that SO badly.  I've been having a rough time lately.  Oh... you might want to know what song it was.  It was my favorite one that we chose, and it also was played at both of my parents services.  The song was "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe.  If you aren't familiar with the song, please take time to listen to it.  It is beautiful.  MercyMe is a contemporary Christian group.
TaTa4Now

Struggling... yet again

Having such a hard time.  I called my prospective hospice employer.  Yet again, they have not "made their decisions."  So now, if they did hire me, I wouldn't start until May.  Enough is enough.  Each and every day my current job gets more and more difficult.  I almost can't hardly look at my patient... it is so painful.  It is taking EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, inside of me just to make it through the day.  I am exhausted.  Its hard enough to go on about life without Ashlie, but my job is making it almost seem unbearable.  Please keep my in your prayers.  I need the strength.  God be with all of you.  Ashlie... I wish you were here.
TaTa4Now

We Got Moved!!

We got moved!!  We worked all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Everything went fairly smoothly!!  Even managed to work around the rain showers.  BIG SHOUT OUT to my mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, and his friend!!  We couldn't have done it without you!!  I have parts of me hurting today that I had forgotten were even there!
As I thought it would be, the move was bittersweet.  Yes, I don't have to look at Ashlie's Room anymore, but darnit... she should be here with me.  Today, putting my little patient on the school bus was extremely hard.  Even for him, I watch at the door until the bus pulls away, just like I did with Ash.  Again... it should have been me putting Ashlie on the bus. 
Ashlie did come to visit me Saturday night though.  As I was sitting there with my eyes close trying to will myself to sleep... it has been eluding me, I felt her presence.  Her smiling, happy presence... running... playing... and off she went.  Thanks honey for letting me know that you found us!!  Ashlie you will forever ever be in my heart... forever a presesnce in my life.  You made the world a better place.
TaTa4Now

What A Roller Coaster Kind of Day

Today started off as one of the best days that I have had since Ashlie passed away.  I found myself smiling and even feeling lighthearted.  The sermon at church was a good one.  It was about how Satan tries to keep us from God, many good reminders to hear.  Previously, I have mentioned that we are moving.  Well, the time is here and we will be moving this Friday!  But it is quite bittersweet.  I am excited to be moving to a larger home and also relieved to be leaving behind the home that we shared with Ashlie, because it just isn't the same without her... a new beginning for all of us.  This afternoon I again worked on packing.  This time though, I had help from my mother-in-law.  It was much welcomed.  Then came the hard time... time to pack up Ashlie's belongings.  I had asked my sister-in-law at church if she could do it for me.  I feel SO guilty asking someone else to do something so difficult;  I am very aware that it will be hard for her, too.  I can not explain nor even really describe the emptiness that I feel inside.  We placed our daughter in a box, her casket, and now we have placed all of her belongings in boxes... all we have left are boxes.  It just doesn't seem fair.  Why did she have to leave us so early?  There aren't words to properly thank my sister-in-law and mother-in-law for packing up all of her things.  I'm just not sure if I could have done it.  My heart remains heavy tonite.  She was such an angel... she is terribly missed.
TaTa4Now

Bummer...

Well, I went to my "possible" new employers yesterday.  They had asked me to come in and go observe an admission and see if I would like doing them.  All went well... and yes, I do think I would like doing them.  It would be quite a change from what I am used to doing, though.  I would only have the initial admission contact with my patients and their families and that would be it.  I do feel though, that at this time in my life, it would be a better career path.  They are not "doing anything until April" though, as they "missed" the March training session.  Ugghh... I HATE waiting!
Other than job change and moving, things have been going okay I guess.  I know that I am still in a semi-state of shock over Ashlie's loss.  I still do not quite rest well, its hard to explain but I just wake up so frequently and sleep so lightly.  But I can tell you for sure that I am SO tired of being so tired.  My mind also continues to "play games with me."  I'm ashamed to admit this, but it is simply the truth.  I find myself, on occassion, feeling as if I never even knew Ashlie.  I know that it makes no sense, and some may think "how can you say that about your own daughter?"  The analytical self in me wonders if it is a defense mechanism?  some protective mechanism?  I don't know what it is... but it is frustrating and embarassing none-the-less. 
TaTa4Now

Making A Job Change?

I'm SO excited!  When I got home Thursday night, I had a message on my answering machine... from the hospice place I applied at!  They want me to come in and follow one of their nurses to see if the job would be something I would want to do.  Has God shown me my new path?  We will see.  I follow their nurse on Monday morning!
Yesterday morning at about 6 AM as I left for work, I heard the pitter, patter of little feet.  I spun around as I thought perhaps my little dog, Patch, had somehow made it out the door as I left.  Running up to me was a tiny, little weiner dog.  He was SO scared.  I just couldn't leave him out running around, knowing soon many others would be leaving to go to work too.  So I ran him inside, leaving him in the bathroom.  I called my husband to let him know what I had done.  Of couse, he was not happy with me.  Anyways, later in the day, I made a phone call and found out that one of our neighbor's had been looking for him all day.  Good deed done.  I am so glad that I ran him inside and kept him safe and sound!
Gotta get busy packing this weekend.  We move in 13 days!  Yikes!!
TaTa4Now

Another Story - The Night After Ashlie Passed

After much debate within myself, I have decided to share yet another story with you.  It happened the night after Ashlie passed away.  Sitting on the couch in our living room, unable to sleep and overwhelmed with grief, I soon begin to feel as if someone is sitting there beside me.  Oddly enough, it kind of angered me.  As I sit there, occassionally glancing to my right, I let whomever is there know that I did not need them, I could handle this on my own... thank you very much.  Even after my "evil eye," this presence continues to sit with me... patiently... faithfully.  I have often wondered who it was.  Was it my father... who was my rock when he was alive?  my grandfather... reminding me that God was there for me always?  or my guardian angel... letting me know that he is there?  (I did feel as if it were a male presence.)  Now I look back,reflecting on this and would like to say to whomever was there... thanks!
TaTa4Now!

Two Stories to Share and Started Packing Today

We have been fortunate enough to find a new home!  And, to top it off, we will be saving almost $300 per month!!  What a blessing!  We will be leaving behind the pain of living where Ashlie used to be... NOT!  Sounds good on paper, but... the pain will NEVER be gone, but it will be helped immensely by not having to look at her closed door... with the pink from her hot pink curtains peeking out from under it.  I am greatly anticipating the move, for it is also larger than where we live now.  I am sure though, that I will have to rely on someone else to pack up her belongings.  That is something I KNOW I will not be able to do.  My sister-in-laws unpacked her things when we moved to where we are now.  It will be extremely difficult for anyone to pack up her stuff.  I don't know if I will even be able to be home when it is done.  My daughter's belongings... in boxes... never to be unpacked?  I have no idea what we will do with them.  God will need to direct my path with that one.
I made it through my first week with my new patient.  You could not ask for a more wonderful family than this precious child has.  Just another reminder that God knows exactly what he is doing.  I continue to struggle with being there though.  He is SO much like my Ashlie... it has been very, very difficult.  I will continue to pray... asking for God's guidance... anticipating a call from the hospice provider that I applied at.  Then we will see where God takes me next.
I want to share this story with you.  Where my patient lives, they received about 3 inches of snow... one of those wet snows that looks BEAUTIFUL on the trees.  Early in the morning, about 50... Yes, 50!  robins were in a tree and the bushes in his front yard... busily hopping about eating the berries off of the bushes.  I picked him up and carried him to the window, he is unable to walk.  As we stood on the landing of the stairway to the basement... which put as at the perfect eye level of their front porch, he could see the birds as they flew around... hopped around...  tree, bush... tree, bush... he smiled as he saw them.  Then guess what happened next?...  one flew right up near the window!  It chose to sit on the arm of one of the chairs on the porch... and my patient SAW IT!  What a big, happy smile he had on  his face.  The curious little robin sat there looking at us, cocking its head back and forth... watching us... watch it.  It was truly moving... made me think of my Ash and I caught myself saying "Hi Ashlie!" and telling my patient "look Henry (not his name), God sent a birdie to tell us Hi!"
Oh yes... and another story to share.  My daughter was telling me that "E", my granddaughter, had been telling her about how she had been playing with Ashee, her pronunciation of Ashlie.  Ashee has been playing in Heaven with Libby or Lippy, her dog.  She has been having fun!  My daughter then tells me, "I don't know what she is talking about, but she wanted me to know Ashlie was having fun."  Well, guess what?  My most cherished childhood dog's name was Tippy!!  All I can say is "Wow."  Enough said.
TaTa4Now

First Day With New Patient

Yesterday was my first day with my new patient.  It was difficult.  He is SO much like Ashlie.  There wasn't any school yesterday due to it being President's Day, but today I will have to put him on the bus and get him off of the bus, just like I did with my Ashlie.  Well, time to enjoy my coffee.
TaTa4Now

Start with new patient tomorrow

Tomorrow I start with my new patient.  He is 5 years old and his abilities are quite close to Ashlie's.  I don't know how I am going to do it.  How am I going to care for a child who is SO similar to my Ashlie?  I will get getting him ready for school, on the bus, and then off the bus.  I should be doing this for my own child!  Not someone else's.  God will have to help me through this one!
TaTa4Now!

Donated More Medical Supplies

Today we were able to donate some more of Ashlie's medical supplies.  They went to lower income families.  It feels good to know that someone, especially someone who can't afford them, can benefit from those supplies.  We also searched for more homes today.  The day started off being a dud, but as we made it further through the day, it became more successful.  We found one property that we really liked.  It was in such a quiet area and had a country feel.  Have you ever heard the saying "you can take a girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of a girl?"  Well, that is true with me.  Although we live in the city now, I will always long to be living in the country again.  But... life takes us in different directions some times.  I had yet another good day again today.  It feels so nice to finally start having some good days.  The burden on my heart remains lighter.  We were blessed with another out of character beautiful day.  Much warmer weather than we usually have this time of year.  Ashlie... it would have been a beautiful day to take you out on the trail.  Mom couldn't bring herself to go without you.
TaTa4Now

Ashlie's Medical Equipment

A few days ago, we received a thank you from the child that received Ashlie's lift.  He thanked us for "saving his Mom's back."  I can not tell you how comforting it was to know that we were able to help someone else through our loss.  That is one of the many reasons to "pay it forward."  God continues to work with me, guiding me.  Today was the best day I have had since Ashlie passed away.  He continues to lighten the burden on my heart.  For the first time, I actually felt happy...  it is truly the first time since she passed.  I am even finding myself wanting to start my crafting again.  Today I had a job interview for a hospice nurse position.  I felt as if the interview went well.  They will be interviewing for another week or two.  I gave it my best shot... we will see what God's plan is!  Yesterday we looked for homes ALL day, and we are going out again today.  I do not enjoy this process!  It is so stressful andI will be glad when we are finished.  God be with each and every one of you.
TaTa4Now

Choices to make and Seeing Angels?

Well... I know, I say "well" all the time...  I received a phone call today for an interview as a hospice nurse!  WOW!!  was I excited!  I jumped up and down like a kid in a candy store.  I did A LOT of praying yesterday, asking God for his guidance and for help to show me his plan for me.  He sure did!  Then just a couple of hours later, I received a phone call from my current employer, with whom I have been waiting for ANY hours from, letting me know that I will start with my new patient this coming Monday!  Wow... I couldn't believe it!  My plans are to go ahead with my interview though, it is Thursday at 1:00 PM.  I tend to really trust my "gut."  I feel like I am being "pulled" in the direction of providing hospice care.  But, I will continue to pray, asking God again for his guidance.  Love to all!!
p.s.  I almost forgot to share... tomorrow we are going to go house hunting!  I'm excited, but yet I dread it too.  Supposed to be wonderful weather!!  Wish me luck!
I also wanted to share a quick, little story.  Tonite my granddaughter, she's 2 and was very close to Ashlie, was telling MiMi (me) that "Ashie (her pronunciation) is in heaven."  MiMi "yes she is!"  Granddaughter "the boy is coming."  MiMi "He is?"  "Yes, MiMi, he is."  I then asked if "he was a big boy or a little boy?"  To which she replied "umm... a little boy.  He is here now and Ashie is having fun!"
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Just Another Day In...

I certainly can't say its "Just Another Day in Paradise" because it wasn't.  Unfortunately, I couldn't even really hear or enjoy the sermon in church today.  There are just so many things running through my mind that I can't even concentrate, it doesn't help that I didn't get much sleep last night.  All these random thoughts just continuously run through my head... nothing in particular really, just a jumbled mess.  Yet again, I don't have any hours for my patient.  Evidently the state hasn't approved them yet.  Of course, I don't really know what's going on, my employer hasn't bothered to call me and let me know.  Also, I have also stated three different times that I NEED hours!  They were supposedly going to "find" me some.  How frustrating!  Its just such horrible timing. 
Last nite and today I delivered my Valentine deliveries.  My youngest sister-in-law had us over for dinner.  I am not able to mail lollipop bouquets, so I was only able to share them with the one's that live close by.  I would have LOVED to have made them for my grandbabies, but there is just NO way to mail them and keep them intact.  Valentine's Day will be hard without Ashlie, but I will just have to try hard to focus on what I do have for I know that I am quite blessed.
I'm SO angry at myself.  It was absolutely beautiful outside today.  We have been SO cold here lately and have had quite a bit of snow.  There is a beautiful walking trail nearby and I wanted to go walking on it so badly.  But I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I enjoyed taking Ashlie on it.  She has always loved the wind in her hair.  I would put a visor on her to keep the sun out of her eyes and off we would go.  I know she would want me to go enjoy the trail again.  But I just didn't have the strength to tackle it today.  There will be another nice day... soon I hope.
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Struggling... in Several Ways

Well, I wasn't going to share this part of my journey.  Typically, by nature, I am a very private person.  But I feel as if I am teetering... unbalanced... and about to fall.  Will there be anyone to catch me if I do?  I am an RN, but my employer has not had any hours for me since Ashlie passed.  They have a new patient for me, but we are still awaiting state approval, so I have not started.  I have applied for several jobs, haven't heard from any as of yet.  I have the burden of being the breadwinner of the family, too.  Also, due to all of the snow, my husband has not had very many hours either.  So... not only are we dealing with the loss of Ashlie, but we are struggling financially as well, barely keeping our heads afloat in the tidal waves of life.  We have sold something that was meaningful to me, but alas necessary in order for us to have a roof over our heads.  My feelings run from numb... to feelings of "if one more things happens, I am not going to be able to take it"... to what are we going to do?  We don't have a grave marker for Ashlie either... yet another thing that eats away at me.  Our lease is up where we live and I desperately need out of here... looking at Ashlie's closed door all the time is just too hard.  Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode... sometimes I feel like I want to run away... sometimes I feel angry... sometimes I don't feel at all.
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Reality?

Yesterday morning I found myself listening to the songs that we chose for Ashlie's services.  I haven't done this often.  They were very cleansing... but for the first time I think I finally realized that it is true... she is gone.  I am not living in a bad dream that someone will come along and wake me up from.  I will never get to see that smile, touch her cheek, tame those curls...  I allowed myself to cry this time.  My husband was at work, youngest son was safely asleep.  I had a feeling inside of me that is indescribable...  I sat on our couch, eyes closed, listening to the music.  I began to feel as if Ashlie was there with me... and that she was telling me "Mom, its okay!  Look Momma... I'm happy, I'm really happy!  I run and play with everyone... do everything that they can do!"  She is spinning around... her curls are bouncing in the wind... and she is off running to play with her new friends. 
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What People Who Are Grieving May Need

What do people who are grieving need?  Believe me... I have first hand knowledge that they DO NOT KNOW what they need.  They are caught up in the grieving process and are not able to ask for help.  So... what could they possibly need?  That is a very difficult question to answer.  What I can tell you from my view point is this... I just simply need to know that people care and that they have not forgotten Ashlie.  As others are able to "go on about their lives" in a more normal way, we are still bound by grief.  Things as simple as a "thinking of you" card, email, text, however you feel best connecting with someone... it is simply that fact that you cared enough to let us know you were thinking of us.  I am sure that the grieving person does NOT care how they receive comfort.  Often people forget that siblings grieve too.  Offer to take the surviving siblings out to do something, anything, even just a coke, to allow them time away and allow the parents much needed time alone.  Personally, I LOVE to hear "Ashlie" stories.  For I do not want to forget her, and treasure how she touched others lives.
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One Month Today

Today marks one month since Ashlie passed.  I passed my time this morning before church like I often due, hiding behind my laptop.  Our church service was amazing this morning.  Again, I lit a candle for Ashlie, but today I actually lit one for myself... and it felt good.  When we got back home, my husband and I discussed how we were each affected by church today and just reflected back on this past month.  It was nice.  Then it was time to get my Super Bowl dip made, as my youngest son requested.  Dip... check, chips... check, sweet tea... check, nap... on my way!  Thank you God for reaching me today.  You always know what we need.
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Reflecting

This morning I am reflecting back to the morning that Ashlie passed.  My husband was already at work.  Approximately 6 AM.  I awaken.  If we didn't have a nurse overnite, one of us was always in her room with her at night.  We slept in a recliner.  Another God given moment worth noting.  We normally would have had a nurse with Ashlie on that night.  But my employer had called and asked if I could accompany a non-English speaking family to doctors appointments on that day.  So I had asked Ashlie's nurse if she could work the day shift the next day, instead of nights.  Moving on... next I do my usual routine, go start my coffee, get prepared for Ashlie's 6 AM feeding.  She had a feeding tube and was fed with a pump.  As I approach her, I notice her coloring is off.  I touch her arm, it is too cold.  I say her name, shake her... nothing.  Shake her again... nothing.  Running through my mind is this... Cheryl, you can't scream.  You have to be the strong one.  I begin softly "No, no, no."  Then the horror sinks in.  I begin screaming  "NO!  NO!  NO!"  A scream like I've never heard before, a sound like I've never heard before.  This plays over and over in my head like a tape recorder on a regular basis.  I begin looking for my husband.  I can't find him!  If I just find him, he will tell me this is all just a horrible, horrible dream.  He will awaken me.  By this time, I am running through the house screaming "Where's "his name".  Where's "his name"!!!!!"  My oldest daughter says in such a sweet, soft voice "Mom, I think he's at work.  What's wrong?"  To which I scream "Ashlie's dead!!  Ashlie's dead and I can't find "my husband!!"  By now I have the entire house awake.  I thank God my oldest daughter was here visiting from Florida.  She called my husband to tell him.  He unfortunately had to drive home after receiving this devastating news.  I had called 911.  The paramedics and police were here.  The police presence was comforting but yet a stark reality that something was wrong.  Then I look up... and see my youngest sister-in-law.  I can not tell you how much that meant to me.  Before I know it, there is my oldest sister-in-law.  With me... beside me... in a time that I have never needed them more.  Then my husband arrives.  I was afraid he would be mad at me.  Mad because I did not use my nursing skills to save our daughter.  I was the one who had let her die.  But no.  He wasn't mad at me.  He thanked me for bringing her into our lives.  Told me how wonderful I was to her and for her.  Our work is done with the police department and they arrive to take her away.  They placed our baby on a gurney, covered her with a velvety, burgandy colored cloth and covered it with a red rose.  My in-laws arrive within a few hours, travelling from out of town.  Next, it was time to bury her.  Of course, my husband's family was at my side.  My sisters-in-law offer to go get some dresses and then let me pick from them.  I remember a picture that I had found on the internet one day while looking for angels to put on Ashlie's wall beside her bed.  I had printed it out.  I showed them.  It was an angel child sitting on a white pedestal, surrounded by colorful flowers, wearing a flowing white dress.  I told them I would love for Ashlie to look just like that angel.  They return with two absolutely beautiful dresses.  As soon as they walked into the store, they saw them.  And guess what brand they were?  Cinderella.  They were able to find white, which we feared might be impossible in the winter, but alas they found them in the first store they visited.  God sent I am positive of.  The dress I chose was white with white rosettes up near her face.  When in her wheelchair, her chin support always covered up the shirt she was wearing.  Since she was free of her wheelchair now, I wanted to accent her beautiful face.  Ashlie had beautiful, spiral curls.  They also got some shiny, black shoes; lacy, white socks.  And guess what they also thought of that I hadn't?  Pretty white panties... for she was free to wear them now too.  Our angel looked just like an angel... as she deserved.  The funeral home had done just as I asked.  When they called to inform us that they now had her, I had asked them to please make her look like the angel that she was.  They did this for us.  What a gift.  My mother-in-law chose a silver necklace for her to wear.  We chose a silver bracelet.  We also requested that her fingernails be painted a soft pink.  Normally I kept her fingernails trimmed quite short, and often painted them.  They had grown out quite a bit, they grew fast.  I was glad because they looked beautiful.  We also chose a white, metal casket with a soft pink lining.  The outside had silver, antigued designs in the handles.  It also had an angel embroidered in the top liner.  Her Disney princess pillow, given to her by her sister, was left with her.  She often stared at Cinderella.  We told her that beautiful princess was her.  Sheepy, given to her by me after a hospital stay when I was her nurse, also was with her.  Sheepy, who had a baby lamb attached to her, was always in her wheelchair supporting her right arm.  Sheepy went everywhere her wheelchair went.  Picking out the music was something I could not have done without my oldest daughter.  She is the music and internet guru.  The night of visitation, I sat at the kitchen table with my granddaughter and my laptop listening to the music that I had chosen, singing along with them.  My granddaughter is only two, but she sang some of them with me.  There is NO way she could have known those words, but she did.  Yes... God was at work again.  We strumbled through her services.  We were blessed to hear the stories that people were able to share with us about Ashlie.  Yes... she had touched many hearts, not just ours.  Everyone has now paid their respects.  It is our turn to say goodbye.  Goodbye for the last time to her earthly body.  Our funeral director suggested, if we wished, that we could close the casket.  That is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Ashlie made it snow... and has continued to make it snow, getting the children out of school.  The snow on the day of her services was BEAUTIFUL.  Big, beautiful, slowly falling snow... falling gracefully to the earth.  I had thought that it would be nice to release balloons after her services... pastel pink and white.  My hope was that everyone far and wide could see them.  Again, the funeral home granted that wish too.  They even had Boost put in them so that they would go higher... further...  As we released them in that beautiful snow, they stayed together... perfectly.  It was mesmerizing. 
TaTa4Now

Wacky Wednesday?

My dog, Patch, had a BAD seizure yesterday.  If I haven't previously mentioned, the doctor that performed Ashlie's autopsy stated that she passed from a "fatal seizure."  So, as you can imagine, I was absolutely petrified while Patch's was happening.  It wasn't his first.  I truly expected him to just simply die.  As it was happening, I tried to comfort myself by thinking that at least I will be holding him when he passes.  It is odd just how many aspects of our life are affected by our loss.  I find myself often just sitting... waiting... for my next loved one to pass.  Weird...  I know.  Then, I find myself wondering... how can I survive yet another loss?  My Dad, expectedly... my Mom, unexpectedly, but a part of you knows eventually you will bury your parents... then my daughter, unexpectedly.  My youngest son also has health issues, he was born 12 weeks premature in 1993.  There is a strong possibility that we will bury him too.  Perhaps that is why I find myself just waiting... waiting for the next loss to come.  I know that I need to rely on my faith, but that also is something I struggle with on some days.  I am anxiously awaiting church on Sunday again.
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Ashamed...

I am ashamed to admit what I am about to write.  But... the intention of sharing this journey is two-fold.  A way for me to express my feelings and to share those feelings with others in the hope that they also can benefit from them.  So... here I go.  Tonite I am finding myself a bit angry with Ashlie.  I know... how on Earth can I be angry with her?  I have no answer to that question.  Perhaps I am being selfish and just want her here with me.  So therefore I am angry with her for not being here?  I don't know...  Although the reality of the fact that she is gone is settling in more and more, there is still that part of me that thinks it is STILL just a dream. 
Today we have had a blizzard, it hasn't ended yet either.  Yes, a true blizzard.  I'm not sure how much snow we have yet, but I read that it was 11 inches a few hours ago.  I've never quite seen snow like I watched today... blowing, horizontally... very limited visibility.  I was fascinated by it... knowing that our little angel had done it again.  Just like the day we laid her to rest...  Momma misses you dearly Angel...
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WOO HOO!!

I did it... I did it... I DID IT!!  I made it through meeting my new patient!!  He's actually 5 years old and a lot like my Ashlie.  He has a big, beautiful smile too!!  I was quite anxious on my way to meet him.  But as soon as I saw him, I knew I would be okay.  I did just fine!  Thankfully, I will be able to continue to be a nurse to just my one patient... with the opportunity to truly make a difference in a person's life, which is why I went into nursing to begin with.  Thank you God!!
Ash... you little stinker you're at it again!  Only we are getting a blizzard this time... and I'm not exaggerating!  They are predicting a blizzard!!  We are under a blizzard warning!!

What A Blessing

I'm SO proud of myself!!  I made it to church today!  I am SO thankful that I did, God has definately lifted some of the burden off of my heart.  We lit a candle in Ashlie's honor after church services.  Then my sister-in-law and brother-in-law took us out to eat breakfast.  What a perfect morning!  Words cannot express how much lighter my heart feels.  Thank you God.

Trying to return to some form of "normal"

     Today was my worst day so far.  I thought I had felt empty before, but the emptiness I felt today was indescribable.  I felt it in the top of my head and all the way down to the tips of my toes.  That nauseating, knawing feeling... feeling as if someone or something hit you HARD in your stomach. 
     Sometimes the reality of life hurts... and it hurts real bad.  Others around you are able to go on about their "normal" lives and we just can't.  Sometimes I even wonder how I made it through the day, for I have no memory of it 
I find myself wondering when I am in public, "how am I supposed to act in public?  Should I look somber, distraught?  What happens if I smile?  Will people think "how can she smile?  Didn't she just bury her child?!" 
     Today my husband, our youngest son, and I went to a movie, "True Grit."  Was a good movie by the way, you should check it out.  But, our youngest son is 17, and he was NOT impressed.  Anyways... it was a much needed and nice distraction from our grief.  Prior to the movie, my husband and I had a heartfelt and also much needed discussion about our grief.  Sharing things we had each forgotten, sharing things we had not yet shared.  It was wonderful. 
     Tomorrow, I will attempt to go to church.  It doesn't bother me much to cry in front of my extended family, but crying in front of strangers just isn't something I like to do.  I am a very private person.  Although I know that I need church, I just haven't been able to go.  I decided that if I am unable to stay in the chapel, I can just quietly go to the prayer room and wait for my family there. 
     I have been reading a few books about grief and/or heaven.  I will share these titles at another time.  My anger has subsided some from yesterday.  I still remain frustrated though.
     The highlight of my day was my oldest son sending me pics and a video of paint horses, something I treasure.  It was nice to know that he was thinking of his Mom while he was out hunting.
TaTa4Now