Is it Friday Yet?

Had a very rough day today.  Missed Ashlie SO much.  Between trying to "cram" down that pain, "cram" down the difficulty of caring for a patient that is so much like her, and "cramming" down other life stressors, I thought I was gonna go crazy today.  I'm so tired of trying to "hold" every thing together.  Tired of pretending that everything is okay.  Because, dangit... everything ISN'T okay!  I wanted to scream, wanted to cry, wanted to scream, scream again, and scream some more!  What probably kept me from screaming was knowing that it would scare my little patient.  I felt like a little child who needed to pee!  I kept squirming where I was sitting, getting up and down, pacing the floor.  It sucked... and I can truly say that in my 45 years I have NEVER felt that way.  No... not me... I'm always in control... I MUST remain in control... I am EXPECTED to BE in control.  Ugghh...  I'm worn out.  Anyone else want to "take over the wheel" for me?  I want to ride in the passenger seat... I'll let someone else drive.  Okay... I'm waiting... I'm sitting in the passenger seat...  the car isn't moving.  Darn... that means I'm back in the driver's seat again in the morning.  So... for tonite.  I'm going to pretend that I'm okay with driving.  Pretend... yes... pretend.  I'm finding out that I'm not quite as good at pretending as I thought.  I really need to rely on God.  I'm not even able to rely on God as I should.  I continue to believe that I created the situation, therefore I must fix it myself.  It is my responsibility.  Ugghh... my head hurts.  I'm gonna go lay in bed and watch TV.
p.s.  Today is my granddaughter's 3rd birthday!  She will be at MiMi's house next week!!  I can't wait to see my daughter and her family!  MiMi is having a birthday party for "E" too!  They will be here for a week!!!  I can't wait!!
TaTa4Now