Made it Through Christmas... Then Guess What Happened?

Well, I made it though Christmas without Ashlie.  Early on Christmas morning I was really struggling.  I posted on the craft forum I frequent, www.smartbuygal.com/forum, asking for prayers.  The day went pretty well and I could feel the loving "hugs" from all of those who were praying for me.  We took a little Christmas tree down to Ashlie's grave.  My oldest son, his girlfriend, and her brother were able to go with us this time.  It was nice.  Later that evening, we would find our youngest son, who has health issues, laying on his bedroom floor unresponsive.  We rushed him to the hospital.  After a 3 day hospital stay and many, many tests, we still don't know what happened.  We did not see what precipitated the "episode."  They strongly suspect that he had a seizure.  He has had seizures in the past.  What makes this even more scary for us, is that we lost Ashlie to a seizure.  I have had some rough, emotional days these past couple of days.  I'm SO ready for a new year... one without so much pain.
TaTa4Now

Christmas Without an Angel

I don't even know where to begin... Christmas hasn't been the same for me since I lost my parents... that was 6-7 years ago.  Now I have yet one more loved one missing... Ashlie.  How is a person supposed to get through these times without some of the people we love the most?  How will the day be spent?  Well, I'm expected to be please others and be with them on this day.  My husband does not support me staying home where I can at least be in a peaceful place... I am expected to sit and pretend that everything is okay with the world... smile when I'm expected to... act appropriately.  When the truth is... inside I am broken... shattered into a million pieces... never to be "put back together" in the same way.  These losses have changed me.  Yes... I know...  I have SO much to be thankful for... you're a strong person...   I've heard it all.  But guess what?  The pain of such deep losses remains... sometimes it overtakes a person and quite frankly I'm am tired of pretending that everything is okay... because it isn't okay.  I lost my Dad, my Mom, and my child... all three much too early.  I mourn their loss... I miss them...  They were three people who loved me no matter what... loved me for who I was... accepted me for who I am.  Three people who's faces lit up when I walked into a room...  I miss that.  I miss my Dad placing his hand on my cheek, looking me in the straight in the eye and calling me "sweet"...  and meaning it with all of his heart and soul.  I miss my Mom hurriedly making Christmas dinner, making sure each and every person had their favorites... no matter how many dishes she had to make.  I miss going shopping with her... again, her making sure everyone had what they wanted for Christmas... and her getting me a little something each time we went... and of course, eating at Wendy's on our way home... or getting a shake at Dairy Queen.  I miss Ashlie's big smile each and every time she saw me... or when I talked to her... her crooked little smile.  I find myself these past few months looking for acceptance... just simply acceptance.  Acceptance for who I am... for I am just simply me... me... a person with feelings... a person who differs from you.  My parents didn't agree with everything I did or everything I said.  Truly, who would want your parents to do that anyways?  Their role was to guide me in life, which they did well.  I always knew when I walked into my parents home, that they loved me... no matter what.  Oh how I miss that...  Well, at least all three of them are in a better place.  They don't have to want for anything, nor hurt because of others actions.  Heaven is a wonderful place to be... no more pain... no more tears...      God... I will need your strength today... world?... I could use your prayers.
TaTa4Now

Let it Snow!!

We are under a winter weather advisory this morning.  The snow will forever hold a special meaning to me...  I treasure it now.  God decided that we should be blessed with a beautiful snow the day we buried Miss Ashlie.  The snowflakes were huge and fell gracefully to the ground... the releasing of the soft pink and white balloons at the end of her service.  Every time it snows, I think of Ashlie and remember the purity of the white snow... the purity and innocence of a child... taken too soon.

Are You Kidding Me??!!

What a terribly painful day yesterday.  Started off my day picking out a Christmas tree and its decorations for my daughter's grave... not a painfree, easy thing to do.  Next, I attended my young niece's birthday party... another extremely hard thing to do as I can no longer enjoy my own daughter's birthdays.  As if that wasn't enough pain for the day, one of my family member's says something completely unnecessary and uncalled for.  Seriously?  What is it that makes people feel as if they have the right to say whatever they want to someone and then to top it all off, be upset that a person reacts when you say tacky things to them!  Seriously?  Do you think you have the right to be rude, expect someone to not respond to your tacky comment, then play the wounded bird?  Seriously???!!!  I will never understand... never, ever, ever.  Where is God in your life?  He gives you peace in your heart.  I know I prayed and will continue to pray for myself and others... and yes... even for you... as I often do.  Love and miss you my sweet Ash...
TaTa4Now

Aaaarrrggghhh...

What a rough day.  Had to do three rounds of CPR on my little 6 year old patient today.  (He's okay by the way.)  I know God was with me as I breathed and pumped life back into him...  I felt absolutely no fear, no doubts about my choices...  just got in there and did what needed to be done.  As I drove home from such a rough day I pondered...  if only I had the opportunity to save Ashlie's life.  It wasn't meant to be though.  God needed her in heaven.  He has plans for my little guy here on Earth still.  Thank you God for my strength today.
TaTa4Now