Three Years Since We Buried Our Angel

Today's post is written in her favorite color, pink.  I cannot believe it's been 3 years since our little girl was laid to rest.  The day we buried you there was the most beautiful snow I had ever seen falling from the sky.  Today there is a beautiful snow already on the ground.  A part of me says "wow, it has been 3 long years."  Where another part of me says "how can it be 3 years!"  I know that for me, I am now a different person.  I have changed the way I view the world.  I have became stronger in some areas, weaker in others.  By stronger, I mean that in some ways I have found a strength that I didn't have before to stand-up for myself.  I have became tired of hurting and took life by the reins to change that.  A person can only be walked on for so long, and yes, I became more aware of my role in allowing people to take advantage of me.  By weaker, I mean that I, unfortunately, am horribly afraid that others in my life will pass away suddenly, unexpectedly.  It is something that haunts me.  I do not have the inner strength that I once had either, it has been weakened.  I remain unable to look at pictures of Ashlie.  I think I fear going back to the dark, pain-filled place I once was.  Believe me, I don't EVER, ever want to hurt that badly again.  The pain you feel after losing a child is indescribable.  I hope I never, ever have to feel that depth of pain again.  I do have to thank Ashlie for the joy that she brought to me.  She was a ray of sunshine.  I will forever remember attempting to "tame" those curls of hers each morning as we prepared for her school day.  Forever remember opening her backpack as soon as we got back inside from getting off of the school bus and then reviewing her papers... and that big smile as we talked about each one.  Forever remember those walks down the walking trail after school, just you and I, and you sleeping all the way back home.  Forever remember when it was too hot to walk on the trail, we would sit on the patio and talk about nature, and school, and...  I will just simply... FOREVER REMEMBER...
TaTa4Now

Let it Snow!!

We are under a winter weather advisory this morning.  The snow will forever hold a special meaning to me...  I treasure it now.  God decided that we should be blessed with a beautiful snow the day we buried Miss Ashlie.  The snowflakes were huge and fell gracefully to the ground... the releasing of the soft pink and white balloons at the end of her service.  Every time it snows, I think of Ashlie and remember the purity of the white snow... the purity and innocence of a child... taken too soon.

Two Stories to Share and Started Packing Today

We have been fortunate enough to find a new home!  And, to top it off, we will be saving almost $300 per month!!  What a blessing!  We will be leaving behind the pain of living where Ashlie used to be... NOT!  Sounds good on paper, but... the pain will NEVER be gone, but it will be helped immensely by not having to look at her closed door... with the pink from her hot pink curtains peeking out from under it.  I am greatly anticipating the move, for it is also larger than where we live now.  I am sure though, that I will have to rely on someone else to pack up her belongings.  That is something I KNOW I will not be able to do.  My sister-in-laws unpacked her things when we moved to where we are now.  It will be extremely difficult for anyone to pack up her stuff.  I don't know if I will even be able to be home when it is done.  My daughter's belongings... in boxes... never to be unpacked?  I have no idea what we will do with them.  God will need to direct my path with that one.
I made it through my first week with my new patient.  You could not ask for a more wonderful family than this precious child has.  Just another reminder that God knows exactly what he is doing.  I continue to struggle with being there though.  He is SO much like my Ashlie... it has been very, very difficult.  I will continue to pray... asking for God's guidance... anticipating a call from the hospice provider that I applied at.  Then we will see where God takes me next.
I want to share this story with you.  Where my patient lives, they received about 3 inches of snow... one of those wet snows that looks BEAUTIFUL on the trees.  Early in the morning, about 50... Yes, 50!  robins were in a tree and the bushes in his front yard... busily hopping about eating the berries off of the bushes.  I picked him up and carried him to the window, he is unable to walk.  As we stood on the landing of the stairway to the basement... which put as at the perfect eye level of their front porch, he could see the birds as they flew around... hopped around...  tree, bush... tree, bush... he smiled as he saw them.  Then guess what happened next?...  one flew right up near the window!  It chose to sit on the arm of one of the chairs on the porch... and my patient SAW IT!  What a big, happy smile he had on  his face.  The curious little robin sat there looking at us, cocking its head back and forth... watching us... watch it.  It was truly moving... made me think of my Ash and I caught myself saying "Hi Ashlie!" and telling my patient "look Henry (not his name), God sent a birdie to tell us Hi!"
Oh yes... and another story to share.  My daughter was telling me that "E", my granddaughter, had been telling her about how she had been playing with Ashee, her pronunciation of Ashlie.  Ashee has been playing in Heaven with Libby or Lippy, her dog.  She has been having fun!  My daughter then tells me, "I don't know what she is talking about, but she wanted me to know Ashlie was having fun."  Well, guess what?  My most cherished childhood dog's name was Tippy!!  All I can say is "Wow."  Enough said.
TaTa4Now

Reflecting

This morning I am reflecting back to the morning that Ashlie passed.  My husband was already at work.  Approximately 6 AM.  I awaken.  If we didn't have a nurse overnite, one of us was always in her room with her at night.  We slept in a recliner.  Another God given moment worth noting.  We normally would have had a nurse with Ashlie on that night.  But my employer had called and asked if I could accompany a non-English speaking family to doctors appointments on that day.  So I had asked Ashlie's nurse if she could work the day shift the next day, instead of nights.  Moving on... next I do my usual routine, go start my coffee, get prepared for Ashlie's 6 AM feeding.  She had a feeding tube and was fed with a pump.  As I approach her, I notice her coloring is off.  I touch her arm, it is too cold.  I say her name, shake her... nothing.  Shake her again... nothing.  Running through my mind is this... Cheryl, you can't scream.  You have to be the strong one.  I begin softly "No, no, no."  Then the horror sinks in.  I begin screaming  "NO!  NO!  NO!"  A scream like I've never heard before, a sound like I've never heard before.  This plays over and over in my head like a tape recorder on a regular basis.  I begin looking for my husband.  I can't find him!  If I just find him, he will tell me this is all just a horrible, horrible dream.  He will awaken me.  By this time, I am running through the house screaming "Where's "his name".  Where's "his name"!!!!!"  My oldest daughter says in such a sweet, soft voice "Mom, I think he's at work.  What's wrong?"  To which I scream "Ashlie's dead!!  Ashlie's dead and I can't find "my husband!!"  By now I have the entire house awake.  I thank God my oldest daughter was here visiting from Florida.  She called my husband to tell him.  He unfortunately had to drive home after receiving this devastating news.  I had called 911.  The paramedics and police were here.  The police presence was comforting but yet a stark reality that something was wrong.  Then I look up... and see my youngest sister-in-law.  I can not tell you how much that meant to me.  Before I know it, there is my oldest sister-in-law.  With me... beside me... in a time that I have never needed them more.  Then my husband arrives.  I was afraid he would be mad at me.  Mad because I did not use my nursing skills to save our daughter.  I was the one who had let her die.  But no.  He wasn't mad at me.  He thanked me for bringing her into our lives.  Told me how wonderful I was to her and for her.  Our work is done with the police department and they arrive to take her away.  They placed our baby on a gurney, covered her with a velvety, burgandy colored cloth and covered it with a red rose.  My in-laws arrive within a few hours, travelling from out of town.  Next, it was time to bury her.  Of course, my husband's family was at my side.  My sisters-in-law offer to go get some dresses and then let me pick from them.  I remember a picture that I had found on the internet one day while looking for angels to put on Ashlie's wall beside her bed.  I had printed it out.  I showed them.  It was an angel child sitting on a white pedestal, surrounded by colorful flowers, wearing a flowing white dress.  I told them I would love for Ashlie to look just like that angel.  They return with two absolutely beautiful dresses.  As soon as they walked into the store, they saw them.  And guess what brand they were?  Cinderella.  They were able to find white, which we feared might be impossible in the winter, but alas they found them in the first store they visited.  God sent I am positive of.  The dress I chose was white with white rosettes up near her face.  When in her wheelchair, her chin support always covered up the shirt she was wearing.  Since she was free of her wheelchair now, I wanted to accent her beautiful face.  Ashlie had beautiful, spiral curls.  They also got some shiny, black shoes; lacy, white socks.  And guess what they also thought of that I hadn't?  Pretty white panties... for she was free to wear them now too.  Our angel looked just like an angel... as she deserved.  The funeral home had done just as I asked.  When they called to inform us that they now had her, I had asked them to please make her look like the angel that she was.  They did this for us.  What a gift.  My mother-in-law chose a silver necklace for her to wear.  We chose a silver bracelet.  We also requested that her fingernails be painted a soft pink.  Normally I kept her fingernails trimmed quite short, and often painted them.  They had grown out quite a bit, they grew fast.  I was glad because they looked beautiful.  We also chose a white, metal casket with a soft pink lining.  The outside had silver, antigued designs in the handles.  It also had an angel embroidered in the top liner.  Her Disney princess pillow, given to her by her sister, was left with her.  She often stared at Cinderella.  We told her that beautiful princess was her.  Sheepy, given to her by me after a hospital stay when I was her nurse, also was with her.  Sheepy, who had a baby lamb attached to her, was always in her wheelchair supporting her right arm.  Sheepy went everywhere her wheelchair went.  Picking out the music was something I could not have done without my oldest daughter.  She is the music and internet guru.  The night of visitation, I sat at the kitchen table with my granddaughter and my laptop listening to the music that I had chosen, singing along with them.  My granddaughter is only two, but she sang some of them with me.  There is NO way she could have known those words, but she did.  Yes... God was at work again.  We strumbled through her services.  We were blessed to hear the stories that people were able to share with us about Ashlie.  Yes... she had touched many hearts, not just ours.  Everyone has now paid their respects.  It is our turn to say goodbye.  Goodbye for the last time to her earthly body.  Our funeral director suggested, if we wished, that we could close the casket.  That is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Ashlie made it snow... and has continued to make it snow, getting the children out of school.  The snow on the day of her services was BEAUTIFUL.  Big, beautiful, slowly falling snow... falling gracefully to the earth.  I had thought that it would be nice to release balloons after her services... pastel pink and white.  My hope was that everyone far and wide could see them.  Again, the funeral home granted that wish too.  They even had Boost put in them so that they would go higher... further...  As we released them in that beautiful snow, they stayed together... perfectly.  It was mesmerizing. 
TaTa4Now

Ashamed...

I am ashamed to admit what I am about to write.  But... the intention of sharing this journey is two-fold.  A way for me to express my feelings and to share those feelings with others in the hope that they also can benefit from them.  So... here I go.  Tonite I am finding myself a bit angry with Ashlie.  I know... how on Earth can I be angry with her?  I have no answer to that question.  Perhaps I am being selfish and just want her here with me.  So therefore I am angry with her for not being here?  I don't know...  Although the reality of the fact that she is gone is settling in more and more, there is still that part of me that thinks it is STILL just a dream. 
Today we have had a blizzard, it hasn't ended yet either.  Yes, a true blizzard.  I'm not sure how much snow we have yet, but I read that it was 11 inches a few hours ago.  I've never quite seen snow like I watched today... blowing, horizontally... very limited visibility.  I was fascinated by it... knowing that our little angel had done it again.  Just like the day we laid her to rest...  Momma misses you dearly Angel...
TaTa4Now

I have a big decision to make...

I have a big decision to make.  The state I live in pays family to be careproviders for their own loved ones.  If you remember, I am an RN.  Well, since my daughter has passed, it leaves me without a patient, not just the loss of a child.  My feelings have gone back and forth as to whether I think that I can care for another child.  So I have been looking for nursing jobs where I would hide behind a desk and avoid the patient contact, avoid losing another patient, avoid becoming attached.  I applied for one such job, it was already filled.  Applied for another, haven't heard back yet.  Then today my employer calls me and has a new patient that they think would be great for me.  A 6 year old boy.  Yes, the same age as my angel was.  So there-in lies my dilemma.  Can I do it...  I was just speaking with a dear, dear friend of mine.  She reminded me of why I went into the specific field I was in, and the specific specialty that I chose.  To make a difference.  She also reminded me of "what would Ashlie want me to do?"  I will be discussing this decision with my husband shortly. 
Also today, I began preparing the "acknowledgments" or thank you's as most common folk, like me, call them.  I treasured reliving people's thoughtfulness.  But was soon consumed with grief.  I am beginning to awaken from my dream and am realizing the depth of her loss. 
The beautiful snow that God blessed us with came during the 5:00 rush hour traffic.  I anxiously anticipated my husband's return from work.  My thoughts were "what would I do if I lost both of them?"  Thankfully he made it home ok, late, but safe.  I greeted him with a big hug.  What a relief!  
We've had company for a few days.  Now we are back to an empty house and our empty hearts.  Time to go visit with the husband about my job.  He isn't particularly supportive of my caring for children again.  We will see...
TaTa4Now

Today's happenings... and a bit of catch-up

Today was another outing without Ashlie.  It went better than the "grocery store" outing the other day.  Let me back up a bit.  The other day, I had my first outing without Ashlie, well except for the several trips to the funeral home to complete paperwork.  Anyways... we went to the grocery store.  It seemed as if I was experiencing tunnel vision, looking through a tunnel, with the outer edges, blurred and white.  I found myself not wanting to look at anyone.  I did not want to see a happy mother, with a happy child at her side.  As my husband and I attempted to buy what groceries we needed, I found it increasingly difficult.  Before I could purchase all of my necessities, I told my husband "I can't do this anymore.  We've got to go."  So we paid for what purchases we had and went home.  The next day, it was time to take my youngest son to school.  On my return drive home, I forgot to look before making a turn into oncoming traffic.  I shrugged my shoulders and said to myself "oh well, I'll just be in heaven."  For you see, my parents are also in heaven.  My Dad passed expectedly in 2004, and my Mom passed unexpectedly 5 months later, in 2005.  I miss them dearly.  They were both only 67 years old.  Today's outing went better.  I am finding myself doing a bit, a teenie, tiny bit better each day.  I have felt and continue to feel that this is all just a bad dream.  One day someone will come along, wake me up and it will be over.  Even though another part of me tells me this "Cheryl, you saw her in her coffin.  You saw her in her bed.  You checked her vitals.  She was gone.  The EMTs told you that she was gone.  They performed an autopsy on her.  You have a death certificate."  Alas, I find myself waiting to be awoken from this terrible nightmare.
Oh yeah... I can't forget!  For Ashlie's services, she must have requested snow.  We were blanketed with a BEAUTIFUL snow.  Today we are getting yet another snow.  Ashlie!!  You little stinker... you got the kids out of school yet again!  Thanks for sending the snow... its beautiful.  Just like you...
TaTa4Now