Life...

I've really been contemplating life the past few days.  Life can really throw some painful curve balls at you.  Personally... I'm sick of life's curve balls...  I don't even own a catcher's mitt... and I'm sick of trying to catch them...  I keep getting hit by them.  What do I mean by all this?  I don't even know.  These past two years have been rough... really, really rough.  A change that was supposedly for the good for our family, turned out to be yet another broken promise... leading to more broken promises.  I'm tired of being let down... tired of struggling... just tired.  I've lost my faith in life... I've lost my trust in God... I've just simply lost my faith.
TaTa4Now

Blog! I've Been Neglecting You!

Well... so much has happened.  I'm back from welcoming my 3rd grandchild into the world!  A baby boy.  Mom did awesome, baby boy... not so much at first.  He had pneumonia :(  After spending the first week of his life in the hospital, he finally got to come home.  It took him a bit to start gaining weight, but he's doing great now!  I cannot believe how well my daughter bounced back!  It was her third c-section and I was concerned for her recovery time before I had to go back home.  No need to worry!  She did amazing!!  Thank you God!!  I thoroughly enjoyed the time that I spent in Florida with my daughter and her family.  It was a much needed break away from my stresses at home.  I remain not working.  It is a much needed break, but I'm finding myself bored.  I just can't get motivated to finish the last unpacking and going through.  It's been a rough journey... going through the last of the things that I have left from my Mom.  I have to downsize... no choice and I have limited storage options for what I do want to keep.  It's exhilarating going through things... and devastating at the same time.  I miss my Mom so very much.  I miss the comfort of going into their home and knowing... NO MATTER WHAT... they loved me.  They truly loved... ME.  I feel like the only thing I have left of them is just that... THINGS.  Yes, I know I have my memories... I will always have my memories.  But... some material things have special, special memories.  So... it's been hard.  I'm emotionally exhausted from all of it.  I have told myself that I can't craft until I get everything unpacked and put away.  Ugghh... I hate fighting with myself.  I want to craft... it's actually fun!  But if I get started crafting, I will NOT finish my unpacking/sorting.  So... here I sit... staring at my wall decor that needs to be hung and the boxes that I need to put away and/or find a home for.  Bah humbug.  I also have found myself missing my little patient a lot this past week.  I felt as though I was a part of that family, I mourn that loss too.  Of course... I will always miss Ashlie.  Such a sweet butterfly...  Mother's Day is in two days :(  I'm dreading it...
TaTa4Now

Tickled with Glee

     Yesterday I got all of the boxes we had here unpacked and put away.  I was so excited!  Then... what does my husband do?  Bring home more stuff that I have to put away!  Geesh... we have downsized SO much... I don't know what I am going to do with some of it.  He failed to tell me just how much stuff was left to be moved!  Ugghh...
     My husband and I had a wonderful discussion this morning about lost loved ones and our beliefs about heaven and angels.  It was enlightening and now I am ready to tackle my unpacking... AGAIN!
     In two days I fly to Florida to stay with my daughter and her family!  This MiMi can't wait!!  Tomorrow, I get to have lunch with the wonderful mother of my little patient.  I can't wait to see her either!!  What a wonderful week I have in store for me!!  Yes... God is good!!
TaTa4Now

What a Whirlwind of a Week!

Last week was a whirlwind!  I observed as my little patient was laid to rest.  Excitedly, I was able to meet his paternal grandparents and his maternal grandfather.  My heart aches for his parents and their families.  I keep in touch with his Mom.  As I stated to her, we are in a club that no-one wants to be in... but we are...  we are unwilling members... the loss of a child.  We understand the depths of our pain... the depths of our loss.  We will help each other through the loss.
Here is a quick run-down of my week last week:  Sunday, trip two hours away to see the house we might move into; Monday, patient's visitation and packing; Tuesday, patient's funeral services, didn't pack any.  Wednesday, paint all four rooms of the house we are moving into (yeah, it's that big), pack when get back home; Thursday, finish packing and move.  I have spent the past few days unpacking, organizing.  Yes, we have moved again.  Back to where we came from... a small town of approximately 3,000.  What a change!  Just like the move to the large metro area, this move was also unwanted by me, but wanted by my husband.  He remains unemployed since October.  I am making a job change, not sure which area I want to venture into next with my nursing.  We will see what God has in store.
TaTa4Now

Lions and Tigers and Bears... oh my!

Oh my says it all.  I just don't know what to do.  I have some HUGE decisions to make... and not much time to make them.  In a few days, I will watch as my little patient is laid to rest.  As the time nears, I dread it more and more.  My heart aches for his parents... I worry about his little sister's understanding of it all, she is only 3.  God be with them all.  I am at a loss as what I should do with my own life... it's a bit of a mess right now.  As so frequently happens with me, I find it difficult to lay my problems at the feet of our Lord.  I am afraid to even trust him.  We'll see what today brings.
TaTa4Now

Who Left That on my Bed?

While shopping for what to wear at Ashlie's funeral services, my sister-in-law bought me a beautiful cross necklace.  I had forgotten to take it off on the Sunday that we moved, after church.  As I was working, moving our belongings and knowing that I shouldn't do it, I stuck it in my husband's shirt pocket.  That was the last that I saw of it and he hadn't seen it either.  This left me brokenhearted... devastated.  Well, a few nights ago, I had gone to bed.  My husband was still awake downstairs.  A bit later, I had gotten up to use the restroom, my husband was still downstairs.  When I came back to bed, there laid the necklace!  My precious cross necklace... safe and sound.  Needless to say, I was ELATED! 
Hmm...  wonder who left it there...

On another note... this will be a rough Mother's Day this year.  But I did just get to have lunch with my oldest son.  It was fabulous!!  Happy Mother's Day everyone!!  I hope you have a blessed day!!
TaTa4Now!

We Got Moved!!

We got moved!!  We worked all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Everything went fairly smoothly!!  Even managed to work around the rain showers.  BIG SHOUT OUT to my mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, and his friend!!  We couldn't have done it without you!!  I have parts of me hurting today that I had forgotten were even there!
As I thought it would be, the move was bittersweet.  Yes, I don't have to look at Ashlie's Room anymore, but darnit... she should be here with me.  Today, putting my little patient on the school bus was extremely hard.  Even for him, I watch at the door until the bus pulls away, just like I did with Ash.  Again... it should have been me putting Ashlie on the bus. 
Ashlie did come to visit me Saturday night though.  As I was sitting there with my eyes close trying to will myself to sleep... it has been eluding me, I felt her presence.  Her smiling, happy presence... running... playing... and off she went.  Thanks honey for letting me know that you found us!!  Ashlie you will forever ever be in my heart... forever a presesnce in my life.  You made the world a better place.
TaTa4Now

What A Roller Coaster Kind of Day

Today started off as one of the best days that I have had since Ashlie passed away.  I found myself smiling and even feeling lighthearted.  The sermon at church was a good one.  It was about how Satan tries to keep us from God, many good reminders to hear.  Previously, I have mentioned that we are moving.  Well, the time is here and we will be moving this Friday!  But it is quite bittersweet.  I am excited to be moving to a larger home and also relieved to be leaving behind the home that we shared with Ashlie, because it just isn't the same without her... a new beginning for all of us.  This afternoon I again worked on packing.  This time though, I had help from my mother-in-law.  It was much welcomed.  Then came the hard time... time to pack up Ashlie's belongings.  I had asked my sister-in-law at church if she could do it for me.  I feel SO guilty asking someone else to do something so difficult;  I am very aware that it will be hard for her, too.  I can not explain nor even really describe the emptiness that I feel inside.  We placed our daughter in a box, her casket, and now we have placed all of her belongings in boxes... all we have left are boxes.  It just doesn't seem fair.  Why did she have to leave us so early?  There aren't words to properly thank my sister-in-law and mother-in-law for packing up all of her things.  I'm just not sure if I could have done it.  My heart remains heavy tonite.  She was such an angel... she is terribly missed.
TaTa4Now

Making A Job Change?

I'm SO excited!  When I got home Thursday night, I had a message on my answering machine... from the hospice place I applied at!  They want me to come in and follow one of their nurses to see if the job would be something I would want to do.  Has God shown me my new path?  We will see.  I follow their nurse on Monday morning!
Yesterday morning at about 6 AM as I left for work, I heard the pitter, patter of little feet.  I spun around as I thought perhaps my little dog, Patch, had somehow made it out the door as I left.  Running up to me was a tiny, little weiner dog.  He was SO scared.  I just couldn't leave him out running around, knowing soon many others would be leaving to go to work too.  So I ran him inside, leaving him in the bathroom.  I called my husband to let him know what I had done.  Of couse, he was not happy with me.  Anyways, later in the day, I made a phone call and found out that one of our neighbor's had been looking for him all day.  Good deed done.  I am so glad that I ran him inside and kept him safe and sound!
Gotta get busy packing this weekend.  We move in 13 days!  Yikes!!
TaTa4Now

Two Stories to Share and Started Packing Today

We have been fortunate enough to find a new home!  And, to top it off, we will be saving almost $300 per month!!  What a blessing!  We will be leaving behind the pain of living where Ashlie used to be... NOT!  Sounds good on paper, but... the pain will NEVER be gone, but it will be helped immensely by not having to look at her closed door... with the pink from her hot pink curtains peeking out from under it.  I am greatly anticipating the move, for it is also larger than where we live now.  I am sure though, that I will have to rely on someone else to pack up her belongings.  That is something I KNOW I will not be able to do.  My sister-in-laws unpacked her things when we moved to where we are now.  It will be extremely difficult for anyone to pack up her stuff.  I don't know if I will even be able to be home when it is done.  My daughter's belongings... in boxes... never to be unpacked?  I have no idea what we will do with them.  God will need to direct my path with that one.
I made it through my first week with my new patient.  You could not ask for a more wonderful family than this precious child has.  Just another reminder that God knows exactly what he is doing.  I continue to struggle with being there though.  He is SO much like my Ashlie... it has been very, very difficult.  I will continue to pray... asking for God's guidance... anticipating a call from the hospice provider that I applied at.  Then we will see where God takes me next.
I want to share this story with you.  Where my patient lives, they received about 3 inches of snow... one of those wet snows that looks BEAUTIFUL on the trees.  Early in the morning, about 50... Yes, 50!  robins were in a tree and the bushes in his front yard... busily hopping about eating the berries off of the bushes.  I picked him up and carried him to the window, he is unable to walk.  As we stood on the landing of the stairway to the basement... which put as at the perfect eye level of their front porch, he could see the birds as they flew around... hopped around...  tree, bush... tree, bush... he smiled as he saw them.  Then guess what happened next?...  one flew right up near the window!  It chose to sit on the arm of one of the chairs on the porch... and my patient SAW IT!  What a big, happy smile he had on  his face.  The curious little robin sat there looking at us, cocking its head back and forth... watching us... watch it.  It was truly moving... made me think of my Ash and I caught myself saying "Hi Ashlie!" and telling my patient "look Henry (not his name), God sent a birdie to tell us Hi!"
Oh yes... and another story to share.  My daughter was telling me that "E", my granddaughter, had been telling her about how she had been playing with Ashee, her pronunciation of Ashlie.  Ashee has been playing in Heaven with Libby or Lippy, her dog.  She has been having fun!  My daughter then tells me, "I don't know what she is talking about, but she wanted me to know Ashlie was having fun."  Well, guess what?  My most cherished childhood dog's name was Tippy!!  All I can say is "Wow."  Enough said.
TaTa4Now

Donated More Medical Supplies

Today we were able to donate some more of Ashlie's medical supplies.  They went to lower income families.  It feels good to know that someone, especially someone who can't afford them, can benefit from those supplies.  We also searched for more homes today.  The day started off being a dud, but as we made it further through the day, it became more successful.  We found one property that we really liked.  It was in such a quiet area and had a country feel.  Have you ever heard the saying "you can take a girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of a girl?"  Well, that is true with me.  Although we live in the city now, I will always long to be living in the country again.  But... life takes us in different directions some times.  I had yet another good day again today.  It feels so nice to finally start having some good days.  The burden on my heart remains lighter.  We were blessed with another out of character beautiful day.  Much warmer weather than we usually have this time of year.  Ashlie... it would have been a beautiful day to take you out on the trail.  Mom couldn't bring herself to go without you.
TaTa4Now

Ashlie's Medical Equipment

A few days ago, we received a thank you from the child that received Ashlie's lift.  He thanked us for "saving his Mom's back."  I can not tell you how comforting it was to know that we were able to help someone else through our loss.  That is one of the many reasons to "pay it forward."  God continues to work with me, guiding me.  Today was the best day I have had since Ashlie passed away.  He continues to lighten the burden on my heart.  For the first time, I actually felt happy...  it is truly the first time since she passed.  I am even finding myself wanting to start my crafting again.  Today I had a job interview for a hospice nurse position.  I felt as if the interview went well.  They will be interviewing for another week or two.  I gave it my best shot... we will see what God's plan is!  Yesterday we looked for homes ALL day, and we are going out again today.  I do not enjoy this process!  It is so stressful andI will be glad when we are finished.  God be with each and every one of you.
TaTa4Now

Choices to make and Seeing Angels?

Well... I know, I say "well" all the time...  I received a phone call today for an interview as a hospice nurse!  WOW!!  was I excited!  I jumped up and down like a kid in a candy store.  I did A LOT of praying yesterday, asking God for his guidance and for help to show me his plan for me.  He sure did!  Then just a couple of hours later, I received a phone call from my current employer, with whom I have been waiting for ANY hours from, letting me know that I will start with my new patient this coming Monday!  Wow... I couldn't believe it!  My plans are to go ahead with my interview though, it is Thursday at 1:00 PM.  I tend to really trust my "gut."  I feel like I am being "pulled" in the direction of providing hospice care.  But, I will continue to pray, asking God again for his guidance.  Love to all!!
p.s.  I almost forgot to share... tomorrow we are going to go house hunting!  I'm excited, but yet I dread it too.  Supposed to be wonderful weather!!  Wish me luck!
I also wanted to share a quick, little story.  Tonite my granddaughter, she's 2 and was very close to Ashlie, was telling MiMi (me) that "Ashie (her pronunciation) is in heaven."  MiMi "yes she is!"  Granddaughter "the boy is coming."  MiMi "He is?"  "Yes, MiMi, he is."  I then asked if "he was a big boy or a little boy?"  To which she replied "umm... a little boy.  He is here now and Ashie is having fun!"
TaTa4Now

Struggling... in Several Ways

Well, I wasn't going to share this part of my journey.  Typically, by nature, I am a very private person.  But I feel as if I am teetering... unbalanced... and about to fall.  Will there be anyone to catch me if I do?  I am an RN, but my employer has not had any hours for me since Ashlie passed.  They have a new patient for me, but we are still awaiting state approval, so I have not started.  I have applied for several jobs, haven't heard from any as of yet.  I have the burden of being the breadwinner of the family, too.  Also, due to all of the snow, my husband has not had very many hours either.  So... not only are we dealing with the loss of Ashlie, but we are struggling financially as well, barely keeping our heads afloat in the tidal waves of life.  We have sold something that was meaningful to me, but alas necessary in order for us to have a roof over our heads.  My feelings run from numb... to feelings of "if one more things happens, I am not going to be able to take it"... to what are we going to do?  We don't have a grave marker for Ashlie either... yet another thing that eats away at me.  Our lease is up where we live and I desperately need out of here... looking at Ashlie's closed door all the time is just too hard.  Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode... sometimes I feel like I want to run away... sometimes I feel angry... sometimes I don't feel at all.
TaTa4Now

Nervously awaiting

Well, I haven't yet started with my new patient, the 6 year old boy.  My employer is waiting on paperwork from the State.  Imagine that, the State dragging their heels on much needed paperwork.  That's another story though.  I am nervously awaiting this day.  My first visit with the family will be the admission process, where we get to meet this precious child and the family will give us all of his medical information.  These visits typically last about an hour.  I am sure that this short visit will let me know if I am able to take care of another child.  I am so afraid that I will not be able to do this and disappoint his family, myself, my employer, and my own family.  Please pray for me.
Today is the 3rd week since Ashlie passed.  I can't believe that it has been that long.  It truly does not seem like it has been, perhaps just over one week.  I finished the "acknowledgements" yesterday.  It was very difficult to do, yet rewarding at the same time.  We have TRULY been blessed with people's thoughtfulness.  I hope those who consoled us know how much it is appreciated.
I don't remember if I mentioned earlier, but we were already moving this coming March.  An expected move from a temporary residence to a permanent one.  I am finding myself EXTREMELY stir crazy.  I no longer want to be in this home that we shared with Ashlie.  If I could, I would pack up now and be gone.  I have even ventured into thinking... yes, I could live the next couple of months in my sister-in-law's basement.  That is how desperate I am to get out of here.  I want to start over somewhere else.  Yet, here's my dilemma.  I don't want to put everything of my daughter's in boxes and that be all I have left.  That is what I did when I lost my parents.  It haunted me that all I had left was boxes of stuff... and not them.  Yes, I do know that I will always have my memories and love, it is just something that was difficult for me.
I designed a memorial tile in Ashlie's honor today.  When I am finished "tweaking" it, I will share it.  I frequent a craft forum www.smartbuygal.com/forum and one of the members posted a memorial tile that she had made.  It was just the angel I had been searching for;  I had searched many, many hours looking for just the right one.  So I have to thank her for posting her project!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
TaTa4Now