Life Circles

First, let me briefly explain what I do for a living.  I am a Registered Nurse, providing Private Duty Nursing for medically fragile children in their home.  What does that mean?  Basically, I provide nursing care for patients and their families in their own home.  I know that God truly blessed me when He put me on this path for my profession.  I absolutely love what I do.  I feel that I have been given the opportunity to truly make a difference in my patient's and their family's lives, and I don't take that choice lightly.  In March of 2011, just after I lost my own daughter, I was placed in a home with Colin.  For one year, I would be blessed to care for him.  In March of 2012, God would take him to Heaven.  His parent's chose to bring him home to pass away.  They also asked for me to be there.  I would hold him as he was taking some of his last breaths.  I would talk to him about Jesus, assuring him that it was okay, the angels would be with him on his journey.  Also assuring him that Ashlie would be there.  I KNOW that my Ashlie had already met him.  I would be with him at the kitchen table, giving him his feeding through his feeding tube.  He would look to the right, he wasn't able to speak, and get the BIGGEST grin on his face.  I would feel an OVERWHELMING presence of my Ashlie.  I would say to him, "Colin?  Is Ashlie here??  His response would be to again have a HUGE grin on his face and get VERY excited.  I would then talk with him about her.  I would often play "I Can Only Imagine," by Mercy Me and sing with it to him.  You see, that song was played at Ashlie's services, at both of my parent's also.  What I would find out later, is that his Daddy also played that song and sang it with him.  That song holds such a special place in my heart.  It remains to this day how my Ashlie reminds me that she is still here.   I keep in touch with this beautiful family.  We share a bond that goes beyond words, we always will.  I have moved a few hours away from them now, but they invited my son and I up in December of last year.  I can NOT describe how good it was for my SOUL to see them and spend time with them.  Again this weekend, we will be traveling to their home :)  I can not wait to see them all again :)

TaTa4Now

Heaven Received Another Angel

My mind has remained riding the roller coaster of emotions.  My beautiful granddaughter remains "playing with Ashlie, talking with Ashlie, seeing Ashlie" and now she talks with her autistic little brother about Ashlie.  Telling him how Ashlie is in heaven, "D", and she will "stay there forever and watch over us.  She is with Jesus."  What a truly special bond they had.  One Angelic Encounter I remember with my granddaughter as I was talking with her on the phone on her way to school went like this:
E:  MiMi, that cloud is Ashlie!
MiMi:  It looks like Ashlie or she is sitting on it?
E:  No, MiMi it is Ashlie.  She is watching over us.
E:  Mimi, I miss Ashlie.
MiMi:  I do too E.  Has she not came to see you?  Yes, she has MiMi, but I miss playing with her when she leaves.  It makes me sad when she has to go back to heaven.
You see, Ashlie comes and visits my granddaughter, E, in her room.  My daughter hears her talking and playing with her and E shares SO many events with me.  The pure innocence and love of children.  E was only 2 years old when Ashlie passed.  They obviously shared a special bond.
There have been more changes for me with my job.  I had been working nights, have been for several years.  Then I began struggling with being able to sleep during the day.  I fought it for 6 months.  It won.  I simply could not physically handle the limited amount of sleep I was getting, and after-all, I am a Registered Nurse.  I have to be clear-minded to do my job.  So, I quit my job without another job in place.  WAY out of my character, but I just simply could not work nights any more.  Prayers were made for God's guidance as to where my profession would go next.  Having such great losses with my private duty nursing, I felt that maybe it was time for a change.  It isn't easy to find day shift nursing positions and I am very selective also.  I applied for two different positions working with developmentally delayed adults.  I was one of the finalist with both, but was not ultimately chosen.  Then I see an ad in the paper for a day shift position doing the private duty nursing again.  I would interview with the employer and then with the patient's family and would be offered a job. Guess God thought I needed to stay with the private duty nursing, working with medically fragile children.  Here I would find a wonderful, loving family, with a beautiful baby girl.  Within one month after beginning her care, God would take her to heaven.  She was laid to rest yesterday.  Yet another funeral.  Yet another loss.  I buried my daughter, buried my very next patient, and just buried my last patient.  I've had several discussions with God about all of my loss.  He knows how deeply I love, how deeply I grieve, how deeply I grieve for the families of these precious angels.  We will see where God takes me now.  For now, my employer has no other patients for me.  God has a plan.  RIP my beautiful angels.  Cheryl (Momma to Ashlie) loves you dearly.

More Angelic Encounters

     Well blog... I have let you down.  It's nothing personal.  I have been stuffing down my feelings.  Stuffing them down... down... down.  Down to where I will never, ever hurt so deeply again.  As Dr. Phil would say... "How's that workin' for ya'?"  As you can guess, it isn't very effective.  Okay, it works for a while.  Why do I do this?  I know it is unhealthy, but I fear hurting so deeply again.  I don't want to go down to the depths of pain that I felt before.  I think I fear that I won't return from that painful place... that I will be stuck there forever. Well, the upcoming new year brought about a promise that I made to myself.  That promise?  To feel... to just simply feel.  Then decide how to act on those feelings.  Don't just sit there wondering if what I'm feeling is okay, good, bad, whatever.  What difference does it make "what" those feelings are... they are my feelings... mine.  I must chose what I want to do with them.
     #1  My granddaughter, "E", had some conversations with me that can only be sent from God.  She is now 4 1/2 years old.  She was extremely close to my Ashlie.  A few days ago she wanted to talk to me.  She lives in Florida, so we do a lot of talking on the phone and "seeing" each other via iPad/iPhone.  Let me remind you that when my Ashlie passed away, my daughter and her children were at my home visiting (thank God!).  In my grief of finding my youngest daughter deceased, I ran through the house calling out for my husband (he was at work, but I was delirious at the time.)  Unfortunately, my then 2 1/2 yr   old granddaughter heard me screaming and saw me crying.  She remembers to this day... it is something I regret her having to witness.  Anyways... she frequently asks me why I was crying for Ashlie.  My standard reply is that Ashlie died and went to heaven... and MiMi was sad because she misses her.  So... she asks me, "MiMi, why did you cry for Ashlie?"  I gave her my standard reply.  She then tells me, "MiMi, it's okay.  Ashlie's happy in heaven.  She's all better.  I made her better."  "Wow... oh my God"... was all I could say when I got off of the phone with her.  This touched me deeply.  Ashlie still wants us to know that she is okay. 
     #2  Yesterday, my granddaughter had wanted to call her MiMi.  Here is our conversation 
E: "MiMi, did you see Ashlie today?"  
Me: "no."  
E:"you didn't?  Why?"  
Me: "I don't know!"  
She later asks me, "MiMi are you gonna die?"  
Me: "some day, but not for a long, long, time."  
E: "Are you going to heaven?"  
Me: "yes"  
E:  "are you gonna be all better after you go to heaven?  And I will see you all better?" 
Me: "no, honey.  MiMi won't be all better, but she will be happy in heaven.  
I was afraid that maybe she was thinking that I would go to heaven and then come back, alive.  My oldest daughter was listening, as she always does with these types of conversations.  Ugghh...what was I thinking... Ashlie went to heaven and is now "all better."  So shall I be also!  My darling, little "E" is trying to figure it all out.  She knows Ashlie died and went to heaven... and she knows that now she "sees" Ashlie and she is "all better"... no wheelchair, able to speak, etc.  It must be so confusing in her young mind.    
My daughter has even overheard her playing Barbie's with Ashlie.  What a special bond they had.
TaTa4Now

Tickled with Glee

     Yesterday I got all of the boxes we had here unpacked and put away.  I was so excited!  Then... what does my husband do?  Bring home more stuff that I have to put away!  Geesh... we have downsized SO much... I don't know what I am going to do with some of it.  He failed to tell me just how much stuff was left to be moved!  Ugghh...
     My husband and I had a wonderful discussion this morning about lost loved ones and our beliefs about heaven and angels.  It was enlightening and now I am ready to tackle my unpacking... AGAIN!
     In two days I fly to Florida to stay with my daughter and her family!  This MiMi can't wait!!  Tomorrow, I get to have lunch with the wonderful mother of my little patient.  I can't wait to see her either!!  What a wonderful week I have in store for me!!  Yes... God is good!!
TaTa4Now

God... Wherefore Art Thou?

     Wow... I haven't posted for two months.  During this past two months, I have become more and more angry... more and more frustrated.  My heart feels empty inside.   I "fake" my way through most days.  Yes world... everything is GREAT!  I am fine... all is well!  Guess what?  All isn't well with Cheryl.  She's tired of having things taken away.  I have suffered huge losses in the past 7 years.  I would like for God to let someone else have their turn.  Yes God... I'm mad at you.  Have you not tested my strength enough?  Have I not proven myself?  Yes... I can be devastated inside and still drag myself through the mud... I come out tattered and torn, never to be the same... but I make it through.  Subconsciously, I know God is there for me, but I feel SO alone.  Feel as if I have to tackle each and every hurdle alone... no one there to catch me when I fall or brush off the dirt when I skin my knees.  People talk and make it sound good... let me know if you need anything, but no follow-up to check and see how we are.  I realize that I am NOT a person who asks for help, for I feel that my problems are just that... my problems not yours.  But... does common sense not exist anymore?  Seriously... stop by, call, don't just offer to help, don't just tell others you will help or don't just tell others "let her know I am thinking of her or tell her I said "Hi!"  Actually make the effort to reach out, especially when you know that she STINKS at asking for help.  What can a person who is totally overwhelmed with her life situation need? A break!!  ESPECIALLY when you know every detail of every stressor.  Seriously... what do you do for others?  Do they ask you to do each and every thing that you do for them?  I seriously doubt that.  When do I hear from some?  When they NEED something.  Yes... I said... when THEY need something from me.  People amaze me.  Do they think that if they don't outwardly admit something, that it means that NO ONE SEES what they do?  Or that it doesn't hurt like HECK to watch what you do for others and leave me and my family out?!  Especially when we have been through so much, especially these past two years, and are still struggling... both emotionally, healthwise, and even financially.  HELLO!!  RED FLAG WARNING!!  HELP NEEDED!!  I'm SICK of pretending that it is ok... IT IS NOT OKAY AND IT HURTS... it hurts me deeply. Let's see... who is expected to support the family financially... ME.  Who is expected to keep the family running efficiently, keeping everyone's needs met... ME.  Who has stayed at a job that is very emotionally stressful in order to provide for her family... ME.  Who is expected to be strong... ME.  Get it?  I can't be the one to do it all 24/7.  I'm a human, I am not a machine.  Machines even break down.  They need maintenance.  Maintenance can only be performed when the machine is turned off.
     I must find a way to replace the emptiness in my heart.  I must find my way back to God.  I must find a way to put it all in His hands.  Please pray for me.
     Last night I received news that my little 6 year old patient (yes, he's the same age as my daughter was when she passed... and yes his care is quite similar to hers... and yes he has basically the same physical abilities, etc... hence one of my job's emotional stressors) was in the hospital and wasn't doing well at that time.  My heart aches for his parents... for I know the fear of the possible loss of a child and unfortunately I am acutely aware of the devastating heartache of the actual loss of a child.  I have no concerns for him... for I KNOW God will send the biggest, strongest angels to take him to Heaven... and he will be forever free, like Ashlie... free to run, free to play, free to talk.  I am scared for myself though, if he passes away.  Isn't THAT selfish?  I fear what ONE MORE LOSS might do to me emotionally.  I can tell you this though.  I am DONE with pediatrics.  It's time to move my nursing career in a different direction.  Or at least not do direct pediatric patient care.  
     My husband and I discussed the following last night, after receiving the call from my patient's family.  He was very, very near death... wasn't responding to CPR.  We were elated to think that he has probably already seen Ashlie.  Perhaps God has decided that Ashlie should be one of the angels to accompany him to heaven... should the time arrive.  Was this one of the reaons God brought me into his life?  I know that he has already met Ashlie.  Within the first 6 months of taking care of him, there were several times when he would look to the right... and bust out laughing.  He would continue to do this.  I would feel the warm, loving presence of my Ashlie.  When I would ask "Is Ashlie playing with you?"  His face would go expressionless... like... how did you know?  I could envision her playing with him... laughing... with her curls bouncing in the wind.  Telling him stories about "her CRAZY Mom and some of the same things she did to me when she was my nurse."
Thanks for listening... I GREATLY needed it.
TaTa4Now

Sorry Its Been So Long!! Latest Angelic Encounter?

WOW!  What a month!  My husband just spent 3 weeks in the hospital.  He was in terrible pain and is now quite weak from the lengthy stay and illness.  He will have a fairly long recovery, but is doing well so far.  My daughter had not told my 3-year-old granddaughter that her PaPa was sick nor that he was in the hospital.  FYI - this is the granddaughter that had a VERY special bond with Ashee (as she pronounced her name.)  One day "E", granddaughter, came down from her room, told her Momma "Ashee is at the hopital (again, her pronunciation of hospital) with her Daddy."  My daughter said "what?"  She then repeated, "Ashee is at the hopital with her Daddy."  And off she went to play... nothing more said about it.   
TaTa4Now

Ashlie... you little stinker

     Ashlie... you did it again.  My oldest daughter, my granddaughter, and I went to visit my little patient.  After we got home, my granddaughter said to me "MiMi, I told (my patient's name) bye-bye and Ashee (her pronunciation of Ashlie) bye-bye."  I then said "did Ashlie go with us to (patient's name)'s house?" To which she replied "yes, MiMi" and then looked at me like, well DUH MiMi, of course she did.  Ashlie and my precious granddaughter sure did have a special bond.  God intends for it to live on... forever... just like Ashlie's memory will.  I sure do miss you Miss Ashlie.  I also am missing my grandbabies and their parents.  They left for the East Coast today, returning back to the Air Force base where my son-in-law serves our country.
     I have an interview in the morning!!  Please say a prayer for me!!  I am emotionally drained from my current job.
TaTa4Now

Angelic Encounters through my Granddaughter

All I can say is Wow... what a spectacular day.  My daughter, son-in-law, and precious grandchildren have made it here for a one week stay!  Words can not describe how much I LOVE them being here!!  This evening, my now 3-year-old granddaughter, "E", that was so close to my Ashlie, came to me and said this:  "MiMi, you need to hold Ashie's, how she says Ashlie, arm."  I said, "I do?"  To which she replied, "Yes MiMi, you do."  She then went on to say, "Ashie died.  She went to heaven.  MiMi say," and she says it loud like I did the morning that I found my sweet Ashlie gone, "Ashie's dead, Ashie's dead!"  and MiMi cry, and she makes the sounds of boohoohoo.  Then she proceeds to take me upstairs to "hold Ashie's arm."  Now, mind you, we now live where Ashlie never lived.  So, I go upstairs with E, while she is saying "come on MiMi, come on."  We go in each upstairs room, looking for Ashlie.  Then she takes me halfway down the stairs to the "midway" landing on them.  She proceeds to talk about MiMi holding Ashie's arm.  Then she begins to rub her arm up and down, and insists that Ashie wants to "hold your arm MiMi and do like this.  You do it MiMi," and I did.  Then on the edge of the stairs right above the memorial area that we have set up for Ashlie, which is also where we were standing, she tells me that I need to turn around one of the angels that I have sitting there.  E tells me that "Ashie wants it that way."  She then goes on the tell me that "Ashie is sad MiMi.  She wants to dance with her Daddy" and keeps pointing to the corner saying "see MiMi.  She is sad, she wants to dance with her Daddy."  Well, her Daddy was at work.  I called him and had E tell him that Ashlie was sad and wants to dance with her Daddy.  Later in the evening, E kept saying "see MiMi, there's Ashie."  I would say "where?"  E would point at a white pedestal that I bought as part of her memorial that we have in our home.  A very precious portrait that we found and looks almost EXACTLY like Ashlie, has an angel child sitting on a white pedestal.  E told us this twice tonite, about Ashlie sitting on the pedestal.  Wow... how comforting.  I can't explain how wonderful that feels.  I knew E and Ashlie had a special bond, but I did not realize it was such a powerful bond that it would continue even after Ashlie passed away.  God is good... 

Good Morning... Angel Encounter?

Good morning my beautiful angel!  Did you come see my little guy, my 5 year old patient, yesterday?  Yet again, he was looking away from me, and just kept laughing, and laughing, and laughing.  Yet again, I felt a loving warmth and could only think of you my darling angel.  I know you are playing with him... are you telling him stories about me too?  You better not be!  Momma's gotta go get in the shower.  Love you sweet pea!!
TaTa4Now

Another Angelic Encounter?

Today the sky was full of low-lying, rainfilled clouds, but no rain.  As I was driving to work today, my windshield was spritzed with am itsy bitsy, teenie, tiny rain shower.  Just enough to cover about half of the windshield.  I found myself feeling the overwhelming presence of Ashlie...  Ashlie giggling as she squirted me...  Ashlie running off with her beautiful curls a bouncin'.  It was such a comforting feeling.  I then found myself laughing outloud and saying outloud "you little stinker.  You did that didn't you Ashlie?!"
TaTa4Now

Angelic Encounter?? Memorial Day

Well... I think the angels were at it again.  My 2 year-old granddaughter, "E", wanted to call her MiMi, me.  Here is our phone conversation:
E:  "MiMi, where's Ashie (her word for Ashlie)?"
MiMi: "She's in Heaven."
E: "No, MiMi" and a pause... "Momma, where's Ashie?"
Momma says: "She's in Heaven, honey."
E: "No Momma... she's in..." and she named a town.  This town was recently devastated by a tornado.  Ashlie and E were both born in this town, at the same hospital.  Although, E now lives on the East coast where her Daddy serves our country in the Navy.  This same town is also where Ashlie had the horrible car wreck that caused her disabilities.  After our conversation, I was left pondering this thought... was Ashlie one of the many angels sent to this town to watch over people or perhaps she even accompanied them on their journey to Heaven.  Was this yet another one of God's plans for Ashlie...?
This is Memorial Day weekend.  We visited Ashlie's gravesite yesterday.  It was so hard.  It just doesn't seem fair.  I shouldn't be putting an angel statue and flowers on her grave.  Why my child?
TaTa4Now!

Who Left That on my Bed?

While shopping for what to wear at Ashlie's funeral services, my sister-in-law bought me a beautiful cross necklace.  I had forgotten to take it off on the Sunday that we moved, after church.  As I was working, moving our belongings and knowing that I shouldn't do it, I stuck it in my husband's shirt pocket.  That was the last that I saw of it and he hadn't seen it either.  This left me brokenhearted... devastated.  Well, a few nights ago, I had gone to bed.  My husband was still awake downstairs.  A bit later, I had gotten up to use the restroom, my husband was still downstairs.  When I came back to bed, there laid the necklace!  My precious cross necklace... safe and sound.  Needless to say, I was ELATED! 
Hmm...  wonder who left it there...

On another note... this will be a rough Mother's Day this year.  But I did just get to have lunch with my oldest son.  It was fabulous!!  Happy Mother's Day everyone!!  I hope you have a blessed day!!
TaTa4Now!

Angels Among Us?

My granddaughter was visiting this past week, she was very close to Ashlie.  My daughter, granddaughter, and I were in a store that I had frequented before Ashlie passed away and had purchased her something for her room.  As we stood in line waiting to pay for our items, my granddaughter, "E", said "MiMi, Ashee (her word for Ashlie) wave at you."  Just a bit later E says "Ashee kiss you on the cheek MiMi."  Miraculously, I had felt a slight "brush" against my cheek.  I wouldn't have thought anything of it if E hadn't said that to me.  My granddaughter is only two year old.
The reality of Ashlie's death continues to "soak" in.  I still find myself doubting the reality of her being gone.
TaTa4Now!

Another Angel Story?

I am chatting with my oldest daughter on facebook right now.  This is the conversation she overheard her daughter, 2 1/2 years old, "E", who was VERY close to Ashlie, saying:  "Hi Ashee(her word for Ashlie), see frog?"  "E" had put another chair next to hers and kept talking away about school in heaven and she go in airplane with daddy, her daddy serves our country in airplanes, to go to sky to heaven.  Within a few more minutes, "E" told Ashee "she is so excited, she going to Mimi's, my house, in a couple days," which she is coming to visit next weekend.  Then she asked her momma "where Ashee go?"  To which my daugher replied, "she went back to heaven. "  "E" then said "yeah, she went back to heaven on the school bus."  The innocence of children.  Thank you God.
TaTa4Now

Thank You Miss Ashlie

On my way home from the first part of my split shift, I flipped my radio from country to an inspirational station.  They were discussing how people write in and say how much they were touched by a particular song relating to particular circumstances in their lives.  I wondered to myself, wow, wouldn't it be nice if I heard one of the songs we chose for Ashlie's services.  Well, not too far on down the road one of them came on!  I needed that SO badly.  I've been having a rough time lately.  Oh... you might want to know what song it was.  It was my favorite one that we chose, and it also was played at both of my parents services.  The song was "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe.  If you aren't familiar with the song, please take time to listen to it.  It is beautiful.  MercyMe is a contemporary Christian group.
TaTa4Now

Another Story - The Night After Ashlie Passed

After much debate within myself, I have decided to share yet another story with you.  It happened the night after Ashlie passed away.  Sitting on the couch in our living room, unable to sleep and overwhelmed with grief, I soon begin to feel as if someone is sitting there beside me.  Oddly enough, it kind of angered me.  As I sit there, occassionally glancing to my right, I let whomever is there know that I did not need them, I could handle this on my own... thank you very much.  Even after my "evil eye," this presence continues to sit with me... patiently... faithfully.  I have often wondered who it was.  Was it my father... who was my rock when he was alive?  my grandfather... reminding me that God was there for me always?  or my guardian angel... letting me know that he is there?  (I did feel as if it were a male presence.)  Now I look back,reflecting on this and would like to say to whomever was there... thanks!
TaTa4Now!