Heaven Received Another Angel

My mind has remained riding the roller coaster of emotions.  My beautiful granddaughter remains "playing with Ashlie, talking with Ashlie, seeing Ashlie" and now she talks with her autistic little brother about Ashlie.  Telling him how Ashlie is in heaven, "D", and she will "stay there forever and watch over us.  She is with Jesus."  What a truly special bond they had.  One Angelic Encounter I remember with my granddaughter as I was talking with her on the phone on her way to school went like this:
E:  MiMi, that cloud is Ashlie!
MiMi:  It looks like Ashlie or she is sitting on it?
E:  No, MiMi it is Ashlie.  She is watching over us.
E:  Mimi, I miss Ashlie.
MiMi:  I do too E.  Has she not came to see you?  Yes, she has MiMi, but I miss playing with her when she leaves.  It makes me sad when she has to go back to heaven.
You see, Ashlie comes and visits my granddaughter, E, in her room.  My daughter hears her talking and playing with her and E shares SO many events with me.  The pure innocence and love of children.  E was only 2 years old when Ashlie passed.  They obviously shared a special bond.
There have been more changes for me with my job.  I had been working nights, have been for several years.  Then I began struggling with being able to sleep during the day.  I fought it for 6 months.  It won.  I simply could not physically handle the limited amount of sleep I was getting, and after-all, I am a Registered Nurse.  I have to be clear-minded to do my job.  So, I quit my job without another job in place.  WAY out of my character, but I just simply could not work nights any more.  Prayers were made for God's guidance as to where my profession would go next.  Having such great losses with my private duty nursing, I felt that maybe it was time for a change.  It isn't easy to find day shift nursing positions and I am very selective also.  I applied for two different positions working with developmentally delayed adults.  I was one of the finalist with both, but was not ultimately chosen.  Then I see an ad in the paper for a day shift position doing the private duty nursing again.  I would interview with the employer and then with the patient's family and would be offered a job. Guess God thought I needed to stay with the private duty nursing, working with medically fragile children.  Here I would find a wonderful, loving family, with a beautiful baby girl.  Within one month after beginning her care, God would take her to heaven.  She was laid to rest yesterday.  Yet another funeral.  Yet another loss.  I buried my daughter, buried my very next patient, and just buried my last patient.  I've had several discussions with God about all of my loss.  He knows how deeply I love, how deeply I grieve, how deeply I grieve for the families of these precious angels.  We will see where God takes me now.  For now, my employer has no other patients for me.  God has a plan.  RIP my beautiful angels.  Cheryl (Momma to Ashlie) loves you dearly.

Tickled with Glee

     Yesterday I got all of the boxes we had here unpacked and put away.  I was so excited!  Then... what does my husband do?  Bring home more stuff that I have to put away!  Geesh... we have downsized SO much... I don't know what I am going to do with some of it.  He failed to tell me just how much stuff was left to be moved!  Ugghh...
     My husband and I had a wonderful discussion this morning about lost loved ones and our beliefs about heaven and angels.  It was enlightening and now I am ready to tackle my unpacking... AGAIN!
     In two days I fly to Florida to stay with my daughter and her family!  This MiMi can't wait!!  Tomorrow, I get to have lunch with the wonderful mother of my little patient.  I can't wait to see her either!!  What a wonderful week I have in store for me!!  Yes... God is good!!
TaTa4Now

Missing my "Little Guy"

   This morning in the quietness of the early morning, I find myself missing my little patient.  Having spent over a year, 5 days per week and at least 7 hours a day caring for him... I miss him.   What do I miss?  His laugh, his smile... him trying SO hard to accomplish... I even miss that little orneriness he would show me.   I miss his family.  I miss my routine.
   What a day I had yesterday!  My husband has been unemployed for 6 months, he found a job AND it has great pay and benefits!!  That was in the morning.  Then, yesterday afternoon I received a call and was offered a job!  Being a believer in NEVER burning bridges, I kept in touch with a previous co-worker.  That connection brought me a job offer!  Wow!  God answered my prayers!  I know he's been answering them in ways that I just didn't understand before, but now I feel like we have been doubly blessed!  I hope now we are headed down the hill... coasting for a while instead of rock climbing to the top!  *I suck at rock climbing anyways*  I'm exhausted!
  Shout-out to my "little guy's" parents.  God be with you...
TaTa4Now

What a Whirlwind of a Week!

Last week was a whirlwind!  I observed as my little patient was laid to rest.  Excitedly, I was able to meet his paternal grandparents and his maternal grandfather.  My heart aches for his parents and their families.  I keep in touch with his Mom.  As I stated to her, we are in a club that no-one wants to be in... but we are...  we are unwilling members... the loss of a child.  We understand the depths of our pain... the depths of our loss.  We will help each other through the loss.
Here is a quick run-down of my week last week:  Sunday, trip two hours away to see the house we might move into; Monday, patient's visitation and packing; Tuesday, patient's funeral services, didn't pack any.  Wednesday, paint all four rooms of the house we are moving into (yeah, it's that big), pack when get back home; Thursday, finish packing and move.  I have spent the past few days unpacking, organizing.  Yes, we have moved again.  Back to where we came from... a small town of approximately 3,000.  What a change!  Just like the move to the large metro area, this move was also unwanted by me, but wanted by my husband.  He remains unemployed since October.  I am making a job change, not sure which area I want to venture into next with my nursing.  We will see what God has in store.
TaTa4Now

His Final Journey

This evening is the visitation for my little patient.  I haven't seen him since I was with his family for the last few hours of his life.  I want to pay my respects to his family and tell the little angel my last goodbyes... but I am SO dreading it.  As I posted on facebook last night... life can sure throw some ugly curve balls.  RIP.
TaTa4Now

Lions and Tigers and Bears... oh my!

Oh my says it all.  I just don't know what to do.  I have some HUGE decisions to make... and not much time to make them.  In a few days, I will watch as my little patient is laid to rest.  As the time nears, I dread it more and more.  My heart aches for his parents... I worry about his little sister's understanding of it all, she is only 3.  God be with them all.  I am at a loss as what I should do with my own life... it's a bit of a mess right now.  As so frequently happens with me, I find it difficult to lay my problems at the feet of our Lord.  I am afraid to even trust him.  We'll see what today brings.
TaTa4Now

Dear God...

Dear God,
PLEASE STOP TAKING PEOPLE THAT I CARE ABOUT AWAY FROM ME!  Have you not taken enough? 
      I just spent the past several hours with a precious child and his loving family.  I have been blessed to have been this little guy's nurse for just over a year now.  Although it has been an emotionally difficult journey for me, I will forever treasure every moment that I spent with him.  This child was born into a family that loved him.  A family that took him to wonderful places on joy-filled vacations.  I just witnessed this family lose something that was most precious to them... their son.  Unfortunately, I know this most horrendous pain.  God?  Is this why you sent me there?  To help them through their difficult journey?  What's next for me professionally?  At this time, I do not want to provide direct care to children any more.  I have treasured the opportunities it has provided me... the opportunity to truly make a difference in one's life.  Tonite I feel... mission accomplished.  I think it is time to move on... time to find a new way to make a difference in someone's life... time to take a different path.  We will see.  God be with my little patient's family.  I am comforted, and a bit jealous, that he is in heaven with my Ashlie.  Running, playing, laughing, giggling... I will forever remember his beautiful smile and that big belly laugh.  God rest your soul.

God... Wherefore Art Thou?

     Wow... I haven't posted for two months.  During this past two months, I have become more and more angry... more and more frustrated.  My heart feels empty inside.   I "fake" my way through most days.  Yes world... everything is GREAT!  I am fine... all is well!  Guess what?  All isn't well with Cheryl.  She's tired of having things taken away.  I have suffered huge losses in the past 7 years.  I would like for God to let someone else have their turn.  Yes God... I'm mad at you.  Have you not tested my strength enough?  Have I not proven myself?  Yes... I can be devastated inside and still drag myself through the mud... I come out tattered and torn, never to be the same... but I make it through.  Subconsciously, I know God is there for me, but I feel SO alone.  Feel as if I have to tackle each and every hurdle alone... no one there to catch me when I fall or brush off the dirt when I skin my knees.  People talk and make it sound good... let me know if you need anything, but no follow-up to check and see how we are.  I realize that I am NOT a person who asks for help, for I feel that my problems are just that... my problems not yours.  But... does common sense not exist anymore?  Seriously... stop by, call, don't just offer to help, don't just tell others you will help or don't just tell others "let her know I am thinking of her or tell her I said "Hi!"  Actually make the effort to reach out, especially when you know that she STINKS at asking for help.  What can a person who is totally overwhelmed with her life situation need? A break!!  ESPECIALLY when you know every detail of every stressor.  Seriously... what do you do for others?  Do they ask you to do each and every thing that you do for them?  I seriously doubt that.  When do I hear from some?  When they NEED something.  Yes... I said... when THEY need something from me.  People amaze me.  Do they think that if they don't outwardly admit something, that it means that NO ONE SEES what they do?  Or that it doesn't hurt like HECK to watch what you do for others and leave me and my family out?!  Especially when we have been through so much, especially these past two years, and are still struggling... both emotionally, healthwise, and even financially.  HELLO!!  RED FLAG WARNING!!  HELP NEEDED!!  I'm SICK of pretending that it is ok... IT IS NOT OKAY AND IT HURTS... it hurts me deeply. Let's see... who is expected to support the family financially... ME.  Who is expected to keep the family running efficiently, keeping everyone's needs met... ME.  Who has stayed at a job that is very emotionally stressful in order to provide for her family... ME.  Who is expected to be strong... ME.  Get it?  I can't be the one to do it all 24/7.  I'm a human, I am not a machine.  Machines even break down.  They need maintenance.  Maintenance can only be performed when the machine is turned off.
     I must find a way to replace the emptiness in my heart.  I must find my way back to God.  I must find a way to put it all in His hands.  Please pray for me.
     Last night I received news that my little 6 year old patient (yes, he's the same age as my daughter was when she passed... and yes his care is quite similar to hers... and yes he has basically the same physical abilities, etc... hence one of my job's emotional stressors) was in the hospital and wasn't doing well at that time.  My heart aches for his parents... for I know the fear of the possible loss of a child and unfortunately I am acutely aware of the devastating heartache of the actual loss of a child.  I have no concerns for him... for I KNOW God will send the biggest, strongest angels to take him to Heaven... and he will be forever free, like Ashlie... free to run, free to play, free to talk.  I am scared for myself though, if he passes away.  Isn't THAT selfish?  I fear what ONE MORE LOSS might do to me emotionally.  I can tell you this though.  I am DONE with pediatrics.  It's time to move my nursing career in a different direction.  Or at least not do direct pediatric patient care.  
     My husband and I discussed the following last night, after receiving the call from my patient's family.  He was very, very near death... wasn't responding to CPR.  We were elated to think that he has probably already seen Ashlie.  Perhaps God has decided that Ashlie should be one of the angels to accompany him to heaven... should the time arrive.  Was this one of the reaons God brought me into his life?  I know that he has already met Ashlie.  Within the first 6 months of taking care of him, there were several times when he would look to the right... and bust out laughing.  He would continue to do this.  I would feel the warm, loving presence of my Ashlie.  When I would ask "Is Ashlie playing with you?"  His face would go expressionless... like... how did you know?  I could envision her playing with him... laughing... with her curls bouncing in the wind.  Telling him stories about "her CRAZY Mom and some of the same things she did to me when she was my nurse."
Thanks for listening... I GREATLY needed it.
TaTa4Now

Aaaarrrggghhh...

What a rough day.  Had to do three rounds of CPR on my little 6 year old patient today.  (He's okay by the way.)  I know God was with me as I breathed and pumped life back into him...  I felt absolutely no fear, no doubts about my choices...  just got in there and did what needed to be done.  As I drove home from such a rough day I pondered...  if only I had the opportunity to save Ashlie's life.  It wasn't meant to be though.  God needed her in heaven.  He has plans for my little guy here on Earth still.  Thank you God for my strength today.
TaTa4Now

Precious Moment Yesterday

Just a quick reminder, I am a registered nurse and have a 5 year-old patient that I spend 7 hours per day with caring for him in his home.  He is non-verbal.  His parents have housekeepers that are from Brazil and speak minimal english.  My little guy was in his wheelchair and it was just about time for school.  As one of the housekeepers went about her work cleaning various items, he would just bust out laughing with a big belly laugh.  I turned his wheelchair around so that he could see her and watch her.  She would hear him and come over and talk to him.  They did this together over and over again, she just couldn't help herself and kept coming over to talk with him.  They both shared the same handicap, he is unable to speak, and she spoke a different language.  But, they understood each other.  It was absolutely precious to witness.  God is good.
TaTa4Now

Ashlie... you little stinker

     Ashlie... you did it again.  My oldest daughter, my granddaughter, and I went to visit my little patient.  After we got home, my granddaughter said to me "MiMi, I told (my patient's name) bye-bye and Ashee (her pronunciation of Ashlie) bye-bye."  I then said "did Ashlie go with us to (patient's name)'s house?" To which she replied "yes, MiMi" and then looked at me like, well DUH MiMi, of course she did.  Ashlie and my precious granddaughter sure did have a special bond.  God intends for it to live on... forever... just like Ashlie's memory will.  I sure do miss you Miss Ashlie.  I also am missing my grandbabies and their parents.  They left for the East Coast today, returning back to the Air Force base where my son-in-law serves our country.
     I have an interview in the morning!!  Please say a prayer for me!!  I am emotionally drained from my current job.
TaTa4Now

Time for Some Truth

Today I decided it was time for some honesty.  No more hiding.  Time to 'fess up.  I've been doing some deep soul searching, trying to figure something out about myself.  As I have mentioned before, I rarely allow myself to cry about Ashlie's passing.  If I do, I quickly shove it right back down where it came from.  For at least the past two weeks, I haven't been sleeping well.  I actually awaken just as tired as I was when I went to bed.  I do not feel rested at all.  I would love to know what is going on in that mind of mine.  My sleep is so interrupted, fragmented... I constantly watch the clock.  Well, I think perhaps I have figured it out.  In all of my reading, learning, educating myself about grief, I continuously read about the two year mark after losing a child.  This is when a person hits their lowest point.  I think I'm afraid to get there... to get to that deepest, darkest point in my grief.  What happens if I never come back?  What happens if I stay locked in that grief?  So therefore, as I often do with my feelings, I shove them down...  deep down inside.   I must be the strong one... I am the one who is expected to and who must keep everything together.  I have to be the strong one, I have to be the breadwinner, I have to be the everything... it feels like to me.  This can be extremely overwhelming at times.  I think I am letting all of the feelings of responsibility keep me from properly grieving.  Being a nurse, I know that it is not healthy to supress your feelings.  It only comes back to haunt you at some point.  I also know that I would benefit from counseling, but how on earth can a person afford counseling when you don't have any health insurance, yet another thing that we lost after Ashlie passed away.  My employer cancelled my insurance while I was off.  Ugghh...
TaTa4Now

What a Disappointing Day

Well, I called the hospice place yesterday to see how the hiring process was going.  They now informed me that they want someone with hospice experience!  Are you kidding me?  They have been telling me for three months now that I am "exactly what they are looking for", "we know you would be perfect", etc.  Nowhere in the job ad did it say "hospice experience required."  That is why I applied!  What a let down.  Oh, but she was sure to add, "but we haven't made a decision yet."  Okay, if they can't find anyone else, they might choose me?  I LOVE being leftovers.  I'll do if there's NOTHING else.  Geesh.  So... God, PLEASE show me what you have planned for me.  I'm not feeling so whoopie about myself today. 
Sunday night I thought I "saw" Ashlie peeking around the TV in our bedroom.  All I saw were those bouncing curls... and heard her giggling.  Monday, I heard one of the songs we played at her services, my favorite one, on the radio three times during my commutes to and from work.  It was "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe.  If you aren't familiar with the song, its beautiful.  Its a contemporary Christian song.  We played it at my parents funerals too.
TaTa4Now

Shared More of Ashlie's Medical Supplies

We were able to share more of Ashlie's medical supplies last night.  Words can't really describe how good it feels to share her supplies.  We also heard from her school yesterday and they are ready to setup the day to celebrate Ashlie!  The entire school will be involved in a ceremonial tree planting at her school!!  We are so excited!  Can't wait to celebrate with the school personnel and friends that she loved so much. 
Still haven't heard about the hospice job yet... aargghh!!
TaTa4Now!

Struggling... yet again

Having such a hard time.  I called my prospective hospice employer.  Yet again, they have not "made their decisions."  So now, if they did hire me, I wouldn't start until May.  Enough is enough.  Each and every day my current job gets more and more difficult.  I almost can't hardly look at my patient... it is so painful.  It is taking EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, inside of me just to make it through the day.  I am exhausted.  Its hard enough to go on about life without Ashlie, but my job is making it almost seem unbearable.  Please keep my in your prayers.  I need the strength.  God be with all of you.  Ashlie... I wish you were here.
TaTa4Now

Bummer...

Well, I went to my "possible" new employers yesterday.  They had asked me to come in and go observe an admission and see if I would like doing them.  All went well... and yes, I do think I would like doing them.  It would be quite a change from what I am used to doing, though.  I would only have the initial admission contact with my patients and their families and that would be it.  I do feel though, that at this time in my life, it would be a better career path.  They are not "doing anything until April" though, as they "missed" the March training session.  Ugghh... I HATE waiting!
Other than job change and moving, things have been going okay I guess.  I know that I am still in a semi-state of shock over Ashlie's loss.  I still do not quite rest well, its hard to explain but I just wake up so frequently and sleep so lightly.  But I can tell you for sure that I am SO tired of being so tired.  My mind also continues to "play games with me."  I'm ashamed to admit this, but it is simply the truth.  I find myself, on occassion, feeling as if I never even knew Ashlie.  I know that it makes no sense, and some may think "how can you say that about your own daughter?"  The analytical self in me wonders if it is a defense mechanism?  some protective mechanism?  I don't know what it is... but it is frustrating and embarassing none-the-less. 
TaTa4Now

Making A Job Change?

I'm SO excited!  When I got home Thursday night, I had a message on my answering machine... from the hospice place I applied at!  They want me to come in and follow one of their nurses to see if the job would be something I would want to do.  Has God shown me my new path?  We will see.  I follow their nurse on Monday morning!
Yesterday morning at about 6 AM as I left for work, I heard the pitter, patter of little feet.  I spun around as I thought perhaps my little dog, Patch, had somehow made it out the door as I left.  Running up to me was a tiny, little weiner dog.  He was SO scared.  I just couldn't leave him out running around, knowing soon many others would be leaving to go to work too.  So I ran him inside, leaving him in the bathroom.  I called my husband to let him know what I had done.  Of couse, he was not happy with me.  Anyways, later in the day, I made a phone call and found out that one of our neighbor's had been looking for him all day.  Good deed done.  I am so glad that I ran him inside and kept him safe and sound!
Gotta get busy packing this weekend.  We move in 13 days!  Yikes!!
TaTa4Now

Two Stories to Share and Started Packing Today

We have been fortunate enough to find a new home!  And, to top it off, we will be saving almost $300 per month!!  What a blessing!  We will be leaving behind the pain of living where Ashlie used to be... NOT!  Sounds good on paper, but... the pain will NEVER be gone, but it will be helped immensely by not having to look at her closed door... with the pink from her hot pink curtains peeking out from under it.  I am greatly anticipating the move, for it is also larger than where we live now.  I am sure though, that I will have to rely on someone else to pack up her belongings.  That is something I KNOW I will not be able to do.  My sister-in-laws unpacked her things when we moved to where we are now.  It will be extremely difficult for anyone to pack up her stuff.  I don't know if I will even be able to be home when it is done.  My daughter's belongings... in boxes... never to be unpacked?  I have no idea what we will do with them.  God will need to direct my path with that one.
I made it through my first week with my new patient.  You could not ask for a more wonderful family than this precious child has.  Just another reminder that God knows exactly what he is doing.  I continue to struggle with being there though.  He is SO much like my Ashlie... it has been very, very difficult.  I will continue to pray... asking for God's guidance... anticipating a call from the hospice provider that I applied at.  Then we will see where God takes me next.
I want to share this story with you.  Where my patient lives, they received about 3 inches of snow... one of those wet snows that looks BEAUTIFUL on the trees.  Early in the morning, about 50... Yes, 50!  robins were in a tree and the bushes in his front yard... busily hopping about eating the berries off of the bushes.  I picked him up and carried him to the window, he is unable to walk.  As we stood on the landing of the stairway to the basement... which put as at the perfect eye level of their front porch, he could see the birds as they flew around... hopped around...  tree, bush... tree, bush... he smiled as he saw them.  Then guess what happened next?...  one flew right up near the window!  It chose to sit on the arm of one of the chairs on the porch... and my patient SAW IT!  What a big, happy smile he had on  his face.  The curious little robin sat there looking at us, cocking its head back and forth... watching us... watch it.  It was truly moving... made me think of my Ash and I caught myself saying "Hi Ashlie!" and telling my patient "look Henry (not his name), God sent a birdie to tell us Hi!"
Oh yes... and another story to share.  My daughter was telling me that "E", my granddaughter, had been telling her about how she had been playing with Ashee, her pronunciation of Ashlie.  Ashee has been playing in Heaven with Libby or Lippy, her dog.  She has been having fun!  My daughter then tells me, "I don't know what she is talking about, but she wanted me to know Ashlie was having fun."  Well, guess what?  My most cherished childhood dog's name was Tippy!!  All I can say is "Wow."  Enough said.
TaTa4Now

First Day With New Patient

Yesterday was my first day with my new patient.  It was difficult.  He is SO much like Ashlie.  There wasn't any school yesterday due to it being President's Day, but today I will have to put him on the bus and get him off of the bus, just like I did with my Ashlie.  Well, time to enjoy my coffee.
TaTa4Now

Ashlie's Medical Equipment

A few days ago, we received a thank you from the child that received Ashlie's lift.  He thanked us for "saving his Mom's back."  I can not tell you how comforting it was to know that we were able to help someone else through our loss.  That is one of the many reasons to "pay it forward."  God continues to work with me, guiding me.  Today was the best day I have had since Ashlie passed away.  He continues to lighten the burden on my heart.  For the first time, I actually felt happy...  it is truly the first time since she passed.  I am even finding myself wanting to start my crafting again.  Today I had a job interview for a hospice nurse position.  I felt as if the interview went well.  They will be interviewing for another week or two.  I gave it my best shot... we will see what God's plan is!  Yesterday we looked for homes ALL day, and we are going out again today.  I do not enjoy this process!  It is so stressful andI will be glad when we are finished.  God be with each and every one of you.
TaTa4Now