Time for Some Truth

Today I decided it was time for some honesty.  No more hiding.  Time to 'fess up.  I've been doing some deep soul searching, trying to figure something out about myself.  As I have mentioned before, I rarely allow myself to cry about Ashlie's passing.  If I do, I quickly shove it right back down where it came from.  For at least the past two weeks, I haven't been sleeping well.  I actually awaken just as tired as I was when I went to bed.  I do not feel rested at all.  I would love to know what is going on in that mind of mine.  My sleep is so interrupted, fragmented... I constantly watch the clock.  Well, I think perhaps I have figured it out.  In all of my reading, learning, educating myself about grief, I continuously read about the two year mark after losing a child.  This is when a person hits their lowest point.  I think I'm afraid to get there... to get to that deepest, darkest point in my grief.  What happens if I never come back?  What happens if I stay locked in that grief?  So therefore, as I often do with my feelings, I shove them down...  deep down inside.   I must be the strong one... I am the one who is expected to and who must keep everything together.  I have to be the strong one, I have to be the breadwinner, I have to be the everything... it feels like to me.  This can be extremely overwhelming at times.  I think I am letting all of the feelings of responsibility keep me from properly grieving.  Being a nurse, I know that it is not healthy to supress your feelings.  It only comes back to haunt you at some point.  I also know that I would benefit from counseling, but how on earth can a person afford counseling when you don't have any health insurance, yet another thing that we lost after Ashlie passed away.  My employer cancelled my insurance while I was off.  Ugghh...
TaTa4Now