I have a big decision to make...

I have a big decision to make.  The state I live in pays family to be careproviders for their own loved ones.  If you remember, I am an RN.  Well, since my daughter has passed, it leaves me without a patient, not just the loss of a child.  My feelings have gone back and forth as to whether I think that I can care for another child.  So I have been looking for nursing jobs where I would hide behind a desk and avoid the patient contact, avoid losing another patient, avoid becoming attached.  I applied for one such job, it was already filled.  Applied for another, haven't heard back yet.  Then today my employer calls me and has a new patient that they think would be great for me.  A 6 year old boy.  Yes, the same age as my angel was.  So there-in lies my dilemma.  Can I do it...  I was just speaking with a dear, dear friend of mine.  She reminded me of why I went into the specific field I was in, and the specific specialty that I chose.  To make a difference.  She also reminded me of "what would Ashlie want me to do?"  I will be discussing this decision with my husband shortly. 
Also today, I began preparing the "acknowledgments" or thank you's as most common folk, like me, call them.  I treasured reliving people's thoughtfulness.  But was soon consumed with grief.  I am beginning to awaken from my dream and am realizing the depth of her loss. 
The beautiful snow that God blessed us with came during the 5:00 rush hour traffic.  I anxiously anticipated my husband's return from work.  My thoughts were "what would I do if I lost both of them?"  Thankfully he made it home ok, late, but safe.  I greeted him with a big hug.  What a relief!  
We've had company for a few days.  Now we are back to an empty house and our empty hearts.  Time to go visit with the husband about my job.  He isn't particularly supportive of my caring for children again.  We will see...
TaTa4Now