Trying to return to some form of "normal"

     Today was my worst day so far.  I thought I had felt empty before, but the emptiness I felt today was indescribable.  I felt it in the top of my head and all the way down to the tips of my toes.  That nauseating, knawing feeling... feeling as if someone or something hit you HARD in your stomach. 
     Sometimes the reality of life hurts... and it hurts real bad.  Others around you are able to go on about their "normal" lives and we just can't.  Sometimes I even wonder how I made it through the day, for I have no memory of it 
I find myself wondering when I am in public, "how am I supposed to act in public?  Should I look somber, distraught?  What happens if I smile?  Will people think "how can she smile?  Didn't she just bury her child?!" 
     Today my husband, our youngest son, and I went to a movie, "True Grit."  Was a good movie by the way, you should check it out.  But, our youngest son is 17, and he was NOT impressed.  Anyways... it was a much needed and nice distraction from our grief.  Prior to the movie, my husband and I had a heartfelt and also much needed discussion about our grief.  Sharing things we had each forgotten, sharing things we had not yet shared.  It was wonderful. 
     Tomorrow, I will attempt to go to church.  It doesn't bother me much to cry in front of my extended family, but crying in front of strangers just isn't something I like to do.  I am a very private person.  Although I know that I need church, I just haven't been able to go.  I decided that if I am unable to stay in the chapel, I can just quietly go to the prayer room and wait for my family there. 
     I have been reading a few books about grief and/or heaven.  I will share these titles at another time.  My anger has subsided some from yesterday.  I still remain frustrated though.
     The highlight of my day was my oldest son sending me pics and a video of paint horses, something I treasure.  It was nice to know that he was thinking of his Mom while he was out hunting.
TaTa4Now