Christmas Without an Angel

I don't even know where to begin... Christmas hasn't been the same for me since I lost my parents... that was 6-7 years ago.  Now I have yet one more loved one missing... Ashlie.  How is a person supposed to get through these times without some of the people we love the most?  How will the day be spent?  Well, I'm expected to be please others and be with them on this day.  My husband does not support me staying home where I can at least be in a peaceful place... I am expected to sit and pretend that everything is okay with the world... smile when I'm expected to... act appropriately.  When the truth is... inside I am broken... shattered into a million pieces... never to be "put back together" in the same way.  These losses have changed me.  Yes... I know...  I have SO much to be thankful for... you're a strong person...   I've heard it all.  But guess what?  The pain of such deep losses remains... sometimes it overtakes a person and quite frankly I'm am tired of pretending that everything is okay... because it isn't okay.  I lost my Dad, my Mom, and my child... all three much too early.  I mourn their loss... I miss them...  They were three people who loved me no matter what... loved me for who I was... accepted me for who I am.  Three people who's faces lit up when I walked into a room...  I miss that.  I miss my Dad placing his hand on my cheek, looking me in the straight in the eye and calling me "sweet"...  and meaning it with all of his heart and soul.  I miss my Mom hurriedly making Christmas dinner, making sure each and every person had their favorites... no matter how many dishes she had to make.  I miss going shopping with her... again, her making sure everyone had what they wanted for Christmas... and her getting me a little something each time we went... and of course, eating at Wendy's on our way home... or getting a shake at Dairy Queen.  I miss Ashlie's big smile each and every time she saw me... or when I talked to her... her crooked little smile.  I find myself these past few months looking for acceptance... just simply acceptance.  Acceptance for who I am... for I am just simply me... me... a person with feelings... a person who differs from you.  My parents didn't agree with everything I did or everything I said.  Truly, who would want your parents to do that anyways?  Their role was to guide me in life, which they did well.  I always knew when I walked into my parents home, that they loved me... no matter what.  Oh how I miss that...  Well, at least all three of them are in a better place.  They don't have to want for anything, nor hurt because of others actions.  Heaven is a wonderful place to be... no more pain... no more tears...      God... I will need your strength today... world?... I could use your prayers.
TaTa4Now