What A Roller Coaster Kind of Day

Today started off as one of the best days that I have had since Ashlie passed away.  I found myself smiling and even feeling lighthearted.  The sermon at church was a good one.  It was about how Satan tries to keep us from God, many good reminders to hear.  Previously, I have mentioned that we are moving.  Well, the time is here and we will be moving this Friday!  But it is quite bittersweet.  I am excited to be moving to a larger home and also relieved to be leaving behind the home that we shared with Ashlie, because it just isn't the same without her... a new beginning for all of us.  This afternoon I again worked on packing.  This time though, I had help from my mother-in-law.  It was much welcomed.  Then came the hard time... time to pack up Ashlie's belongings.  I had asked my sister-in-law at church if she could do it for me.  I feel SO guilty asking someone else to do something so difficult;  I am very aware that it will be hard for her, too.  I can not explain nor even really describe the emptiness that I feel inside.  We placed our daughter in a box, her casket, and now we have placed all of her belongings in boxes... all we have left are boxes.  It just doesn't seem fair.  Why did she have to leave us so early?  There aren't words to properly thank my sister-in-law and mother-in-law for packing up all of her things.  I'm just not sure if I could have done it.  My heart remains heavy tonite.  She was such an angel... she is terribly missed.
TaTa4Now

Bummer...

Well, I went to my "possible" new employers yesterday.  They had asked me to come in and go observe an admission and see if I would like doing them.  All went well... and yes, I do think I would like doing them.  It would be quite a change from what I am used to doing, though.  I would only have the initial admission contact with my patients and their families and that would be it.  I do feel though, that at this time in my life, it would be a better career path.  They are not "doing anything until April" though, as they "missed" the March training session.  Ugghh... I HATE waiting!
Other than job change and moving, things have been going okay I guess.  I know that I am still in a semi-state of shock over Ashlie's loss.  I still do not quite rest well, its hard to explain but I just wake up so frequently and sleep so lightly.  But I can tell you for sure that I am SO tired of being so tired.  My mind also continues to "play games with me."  I'm ashamed to admit this, but it is simply the truth.  I find myself, on occassion, feeling as if I never even knew Ashlie.  I know that it makes no sense, and some may think "how can you say that about your own daughter?"  The analytical self in me wonders if it is a defense mechanism?  some protective mechanism?  I don't know what it is... but it is frustrating and embarassing none-the-less. 
TaTa4Now

Making A Job Change?

I'm SO excited!  When I got home Thursday night, I had a message on my answering machine... from the hospice place I applied at!  They want me to come in and follow one of their nurses to see if the job would be something I would want to do.  Has God shown me my new path?  We will see.  I follow their nurse on Monday morning!
Yesterday morning at about 6 AM as I left for work, I heard the pitter, patter of little feet.  I spun around as I thought perhaps my little dog, Patch, had somehow made it out the door as I left.  Running up to me was a tiny, little weiner dog.  He was SO scared.  I just couldn't leave him out running around, knowing soon many others would be leaving to go to work too.  So I ran him inside, leaving him in the bathroom.  I called my husband to let him know what I had done.  Of couse, he was not happy with me.  Anyways, later in the day, I made a phone call and found out that one of our neighbor's had been looking for him all day.  Good deed done.  I am so glad that I ran him inside and kept him safe and sound!
Gotta get busy packing this weekend.  We move in 13 days!  Yikes!!
TaTa4Now

Another Story - The Night After Ashlie Passed

After much debate within myself, I have decided to share yet another story with you.  It happened the night after Ashlie passed away.  Sitting on the couch in our living room, unable to sleep and overwhelmed with grief, I soon begin to feel as if someone is sitting there beside me.  Oddly enough, it kind of angered me.  As I sit there, occassionally glancing to my right, I let whomever is there know that I did not need them, I could handle this on my own... thank you very much.  Even after my "evil eye," this presence continues to sit with me... patiently... faithfully.  I have often wondered who it was.  Was it my father... who was my rock when he was alive?  my grandfather... reminding me that God was there for me always?  or my guardian angel... letting me know that he is there?  (I did feel as if it were a male presence.)  Now I look back,reflecting on this and would like to say to whomever was there... thanks!
TaTa4Now!

Two Stories to Share and Started Packing Today

We have been fortunate enough to find a new home!  And, to top it off, we will be saving almost $300 per month!!  What a blessing!  We will be leaving behind the pain of living where Ashlie used to be... NOT!  Sounds good on paper, but... the pain will NEVER be gone, but it will be helped immensely by not having to look at her closed door... with the pink from her hot pink curtains peeking out from under it.  I am greatly anticipating the move, for it is also larger than where we live now.  I am sure though, that I will have to rely on someone else to pack up her belongings.  That is something I KNOW I will not be able to do.  My sister-in-laws unpacked her things when we moved to where we are now.  It will be extremely difficult for anyone to pack up her stuff.  I don't know if I will even be able to be home when it is done.  My daughter's belongings... in boxes... never to be unpacked?  I have no idea what we will do with them.  God will need to direct my path with that one.
I made it through my first week with my new patient.  You could not ask for a more wonderful family than this precious child has.  Just another reminder that God knows exactly what he is doing.  I continue to struggle with being there though.  He is SO much like my Ashlie... it has been very, very difficult.  I will continue to pray... asking for God's guidance... anticipating a call from the hospice provider that I applied at.  Then we will see where God takes me next.
I want to share this story with you.  Where my patient lives, they received about 3 inches of snow... one of those wet snows that looks BEAUTIFUL on the trees.  Early in the morning, about 50... Yes, 50!  robins were in a tree and the bushes in his front yard... busily hopping about eating the berries off of the bushes.  I picked him up and carried him to the window, he is unable to walk.  As we stood on the landing of the stairway to the basement... which put as at the perfect eye level of their front porch, he could see the birds as they flew around... hopped around...  tree, bush... tree, bush... he smiled as he saw them.  Then guess what happened next?...  one flew right up near the window!  It chose to sit on the arm of one of the chairs on the porch... and my patient SAW IT!  What a big, happy smile he had on  his face.  The curious little robin sat there looking at us, cocking its head back and forth... watching us... watch it.  It was truly moving... made me think of my Ash and I caught myself saying "Hi Ashlie!" and telling my patient "look Henry (not his name), God sent a birdie to tell us Hi!"
Oh yes... and another story to share.  My daughter was telling me that "E", my granddaughter, had been telling her about how she had been playing with Ashee, her pronunciation of Ashlie.  Ashee has been playing in Heaven with Libby or Lippy, her dog.  She has been having fun!  My daughter then tells me, "I don't know what she is talking about, but she wanted me to know Ashlie was having fun."  Well, guess what?  My most cherished childhood dog's name was Tippy!!  All I can say is "Wow."  Enough said.
TaTa4Now

First Day With New Patient

Yesterday was my first day with my new patient.  It was difficult.  He is SO much like Ashlie.  There wasn't any school yesterday due to it being President's Day, but today I will have to put him on the bus and get him off of the bus, just like I did with my Ashlie.  Well, time to enjoy my coffee.
TaTa4Now

Start with new patient tomorrow

Tomorrow I start with my new patient.  He is 5 years old and his abilities are quite close to Ashlie's.  I don't know how I am going to do it.  How am I going to care for a child who is SO similar to my Ashlie?  I will get getting him ready for school, on the bus, and then off the bus.  I should be doing this for my own child!  Not someone else's.  God will have to help me through this one!
TaTa4Now!