Let the Healing Begin

Last night I played with my grandbabies while their Momma and Daddy went to a movie.  Of course, I turned cartoons on for them.  Some of Ashlie's favorite cartoons just happened to be on the TV.  I haven't watched them since Ashlie passed away.  I actually found myself enjoying watching them... remembering how Ashlie would smile as she watched them and not take her eyes off of the TV.  It felt good to have a memory of Ashlie that didn't cause me pain, but brought me joy.  I hope I am beginning to transition into the healing, less painful mode of this journey.  Great evening!!
TaTa4Now

Angelic Encounters through my Granddaughter

All I can say is Wow... what a spectacular day.  My daughter, son-in-law, and precious grandchildren have made it here for a one week stay!  Words can not describe how much I LOVE them being here!!  This evening, my now 3-year-old granddaughter, "E", that was so close to my Ashlie, came to me and said this:  "MiMi, you need to hold Ashie's, how she says Ashlie, arm."  I said, "I do?"  To which she replied, "Yes MiMi, you do."  She then went on to say, "Ashie died.  She went to heaven.  MiMi say," and she says it loud like I did the morning that I found my sweet Ashlie gone, "Ashie's dead, Ashie's dead!"  and MiMi cry, and she makes the sounds of boohoohoo.  Then she proceeds to take me upstairs to "hold Ashie's arm."  Now, mind you, we now live where Ashlie never lived.  So, I go upstairs with E, while she is saying "come on MiMi, come on."  We go in each upstairs room, looking for Ashlie.  Then she takes me halfway down the stairs to the "midway" landing on them.  She proceeds to talk about MiMi holding Ashie's arm.  Then she begins to rub her arm up and down, and insists that Ashie wants to "hold your arm MiMi and do like this.  You do it MiMi," and I did.  Then on the edge of the stairs right above the memorial area that we have set up for Ashlie, which is also where we were standing, she tells me that I need to turn around one of the angels that I have sitting there.  E tells me that "Ashie wants it that way."  She then goes on the tell me that "Ashie is sad MiMi.  She wants to dance with her Daddy" and keeps pointing to the corner saying "see MiMi.  She is sad, she wants to dance with her Daddy."  Well, her Daddy was at work.  I called him and had E tell him that Ashlie was sad and wants to dance with her Daddy.  Later in the evening, E kept saying "see MiMi, there's Ashie."  I would say "where?"  E would point at a white pedestal that I bought as part of her memorial that we have in our home.  A very precious portrait that we found and looks almost EXACTLY like Ashlie, has an angel child sitting on a white pedestal.  E told us this twice tonite, about Ashlie sitting on the pedestal.  Wow... how comforting.  I can't explain how wonderful that feels.  I knew E and Ashlie had a special bond, but I did not realize it was such a powerful bond that it would continue even after Ashlie passed away.  God is good... 

Is it Friday Yet?

Had a very rough day today.  Missed Ashlie SO much.  Between trying to "cram" down that pain, "cram" down the difficulty of caring for a patient that is so much like her, and "cramming" down other life stressors, I thought I was gonna go crazy today.  I'm so tired of trying to "hold" every thing together.  Tired of pretending that everything is okay.  Because, dangit... everything ISN'T okay!  I wanted to scream, wanted to cry, wanted to scream, scream again, and scream some more!  What probably kept me from screaming was knowing that it would scare my little patient.  I felt like a little child who needed to pee!  I kept squirming where I was sitting, getting up and down, pacing the floor.  It sucked... and I can truly say that in my 45 years I have NEVER felt that way.  No... not me... I'm always in control... I MUST remain in control... I am EXPECTED to BE in control.  Ugghh...  I'm worn out.  Anyone else want to "take over the wheel" for me?  I want to ride in the passenger seat... I'll let someone else drive.  Okay... I'm waiting... I'm sitting in the passenger seat...  the car isn't moving.  Darn... that means I'm back in the driver's seat again in the morning.  So... for tonite.  I'm going to pretend that I'm okay with driving.  Pretend... yes... pretend.  I'm finding out that I'm not quite as good at pretending as I thought.  I really need to rely on God.  I'm not even able to rely on God as I should.  I continue to believe that I created the situation, therefore I must fix it myself.  It is my responsibility.  Ugghh... my head hurts.  I'm gonna go lay in bed and watch TV.
p.s.  Today is my granddaughter's 3rd birthday!  She will be at MiMi's house next week!!  I can't wait to see my daughter and her family!  MiMi is having a birthday party for "E" too!  They will be here for a week!!!  I can't wait!!
TaTa4Now

Good Morning... Angel Encounter?

Good morning my beautiful angel!  Did you come see my little guy, my 5 year old patient, yesterday?  Yet again, he was looking away from me, and just kept laughing, and laughing, and laughing.  Yet again, I felt a loving warmth and could only think of you my darling angel.  I know you are playing with him... are you telling him stories about me too?  You better not be!  Momma's gotta go get in the shower.  Love you sweet pea!!
TaTa4Now

Missing My Girl

     Really missing Ashlie today, well I have been since the 6th.  Had a lot of errands to run today.  Seems like everywhere I went I saw something and would think "that would be so cute in Ashlie's room."  Only to then remember that she was gone.  Those thoughts can make for rough days.  Today my husband and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniverary.  We had a nice discussion about how much Ashlie changed our lives and how much the changed the lives of those around us.  She was deeply loved and is deeply missed.  Some of my favorite times spent with Ashlie were:  after school when we walked the trail, when we sat on the patio after school talking about my flowers and nature, when I read aloud her communication sheet from school which told what she did at school that day, when I "ooo-ed and awe-ed" over her artwork, when I sang to her, when I twirled those beautiful curls around my fingers, and simply when I held her.
     Next week my grandbabies will be here from Florida!!  My oldest grandchild will be 3!!  WOW!!  Time sure flies!!  I also applied for two new jobs this week.  We will see if I hear from either of them.  My current job is becoming almost unbearable.  I fight within myself to "NOT get attached."  It is EXTREMELY difficult to watch another family getting to enjoy their child, who is SO much like my Ashlie, when I can't enjoy mine.  I know God has a plan...  I just wish he would let me in on it!!
TaTa4Now

Trying to Get Back on Track

Trying to get back on track from the six month smacked-in-the-face, knocked-me-off-my-feet anniversary of Ashlie's passing.  Man... that hit me hard... caught me WAY off guard.  Those really rough times are such an emotional setback... seems like it takes me a while to recuperate.  I'll think I'm... well, I don't know what it would be called... I guess it would just be getting on in a life that doesn't have Ashlie in it.  Then you have these horribly difficult times that are big hurdles to make it over.  But I guess I make it over!  Something that can make those times even more difficult is when someone discounts your feelings.  Too often, others can say things about how you might react to something that seems little or trivial to them,and this can hurt very deeply.  If a grieving person feels strongly about needing to do something, or see something, don't discount that persons need.  Don't be selfish and not want someone to do something that fills a need for them.  What I'm trying to say is this... if your loved one has a need to talk to a person that was involved in the death of a loved one, perhaps by their job choice (they were just doing their job.)  Don't stop them from talking to them.  Especially when your loved one has expressed needing to do it for several months and the opportunity presents itself.  For your loved one it feels like yet another loss... another lost opportunity.
Thanks to my mother-in-law and sister-in-law for helping set up a little memorial area in our home to memorialize Ashlie.  My husband and I had felt that a little area memorializing her would be nice to have.  I had been picking up a few things, and had some ideas, but just needed help pulling it together.
TaTa4Now

Six Months Ago Today

My darling Ashlie,
Six months ago today God took you to be with him in heaven.  I was not ready for you to go, but He had his plan.  You no longer need your wheelchair, you no longer have those terribly long seizures, you no longer have a feeding tube, and best of all, you are no longer in pain.  You can run and play in heaven with green, green grass and brightly colored flowers at your feet... those beautiful curls bouncing in the wind.  You always loved the wind blowing through your hair.  Your Momma is unable to find the words to describe how much I miss you... for the world is a different place without you in it.  I miss your smile... for you greeted me with a smile each and every time you saw me.  I miss wrapping your curls around my finger... your hair had grown so much and was so beautiful.  I miss getting you ready for school each morning, picking out your clothes to make sure you looked your best.  I miss pushing you in your wheelchair out to the school bus... with your niece, "E" on your lap when she was visiting... you loved them both very much, school and "E", and they loved you back equally as much.  I miss our special time when you got home from school.  I would anxiously look through your Communication Folder from school, where they would share what you did at school that day... you would smile as I read aloud from the sheet, smiling even bigger as we excitedly discussed what you had made.  I miss us going and walking the trail afterschool.  You were always so relaxed... enjoyed it so... and slept all the way back home.  If we didn't walk the trail, we would sit outside on the patio, talking about Momma's flowers, talking about nature.  Simply put... I miss you.  I miss you so much it hurts inside.  I anxiously await the day I see you again... in heaven. 
TaTa4Now