Reflecting

This morning I am reflecting back to the morning that Ashlie passed.  My husband was already at work.  Approximately 6 AM.  I awaken.  If we didn't have a nurse overnite, one of us was always in her room with her at night.  We slept in a recliner.  Another God given moment worth noting.  We normally would have had a nurse with Ashlie on that night.  But my employer had called and asked if I could accompany a non-English speaking family to doctors appointments on that day.  So I had asked Ashlie's nurse if she could work the day shift the next day, instead of nights.  Moving on... next I do my usual routine, go start my coffee, get prepared for Ashlie's 6 AM feeding.  She had a feeding tube and was fed with a pump.  As I approach her, I notice her coloring is off.  I touch her arm, it is too cold.  I say her name, shake her... nothing.  Shake her again... nothing.  Running through my mind is this... Cheryl, you can't scream.  You have to be the strong one.  I begin softly "No, no, no."  Then the horror sinks in.  I begin screaming  "NO!  NO!  NO!"  A scream like I've never heard before, a sound like I've never heard before.  This plays over and over in my head like a tape recorder on a regular basis.  I begin looking for my husband.  I can't find him!  If I just find him, he will tell me this is all just a horrible, horrible dream.  He will awaken me.  By this time, I am running through the house screaming "Where's "his name".  Where's "his name"!!!!!"  My oldest daughter says in such a sweet, soft voice "Mom, I think he's at work.  What's wrong?"  To which I scream "Ashlie's dead!!  Ashlie's dead and I can't find "my husband!!"  By now I have the entire house awake.  I thank God my oldest daughter was here visiting from Florida.  She called my husband to tell him.  He unfortunately had to drive home after receiving this devastating news.  I had called 911.  The paramedics and police were here.  The police presence was comforting but yet a stark reality that something was wrong.  Then I look up... and see my youngest sister-in-law.  I can not tell you how much that meant to me.  Before I know it, there is my oldest sister-in-law.  With me... beside me... in a time that I have never needed them more.  Then my husband arrives.  I was afraid he would be mad at me.  Mad because I did not use my nursing skills to save our daughter.  I was the one who had let her die.  But no.  He wasn't mad at me.  He thanked me for bringing her into our lives.  Told me how wonderful I was to her and for her.  Our work is done with the police department and they arrive to take her away.  They placed our baby on a gurney, covered her with a velvety, burgandy colored cloth and covered it with a red rose.  My in-laws arrive within a few hours, travelling from out of town.  Next, it was time to bury her.  Of course, my husband's family was at my side.  My sisters-in-law offer to go get some dresses and then let me pick from them.  I remember a picture that I had found on the internet one day while looking for angels to put on Ashlie's wall beside her bed.  I had printed it out.  I showed them.  It was an angel child sitting on a white pedestal, surrounded by colorful flowers, wearing a flowing white dress.  I told them I would love for Ashlie to look just like that angel.  They return with two absolutely beautiful dresses.  As soon as they walked into the store, they saw them.  And guess what brand they were?  Cinderella.  They were able to find white, which we feared might be impossible in the winter, but alas they found them in the first store they visited.  God sent I am positive of.  The dress I chose was white with white rosettes up near her face.  When in her wheelchair, her chin support always covered up the shirt she was wearing.  Since she was free of her wheelchair now, I wanted to accent her beautiful face.  Ashlie had beautiful, spiral curls.  They also got some shiny, black shoes; lacy, white socks.  And guess what they also thought of that I hadn't?  Pretty white panties... for she was free to wear them now too.  Our angel looked just like an angel... as she deserved.  The funeral home had done just as I asked.  When they called to inform us that they now had her, I had asked them to please make her look like the angel that she was.  They did this for us.  What a gift.  My mother-in-law chose a silver necklace for her to wear.  We chose a silver bracelet.  We also requested that her fingernails be painted a soft pink.  Normally I kept her fingernails trimmed quite short, and often painted them.  They had grown out quite a bit, they grew fast.  I was glad because they looked beautiful.  We also chose a white, metal casket with a soft pink lining.  The outside had silver, antigued designs in the handles.  It also had an angel embroidered in the top liner.  Her Disney princess pillow, given to her by her sister, was left with her.  She often stared at Cinderella.  We told her that beautiful princess was her.  Sheepy, given to her by me after a hospital stay when I was her nurse, also was with her.  Sheepy, who had a baby lamb attached to her, was always in her wheelchair supporting her right arm.  Sheepy went everywhere her wheelchair went.  Picking out the music was something I could not have done without my oldest daughter.  She is the music and internet guru.  The night of visitation, I sat at the kitchen table with my granddaughter and my laptop listening to the music that I had chosen, singing along with them.  My granddaughter is only two, but she sang some of them with me.  There is NO way she could have known those words, but she did.  Yes... God was at work again.  We strumbled through her services.  We were blessed to hear the stories that people were able to share with us about Ashlie.  Yes... she had touched many hearts, not just ours.  Everyone has now paid their respects.  It is our turn to say goodbye.  Goodbye for the last time to her earthly body.  Our funeral director suggested, if we wished, that we could close the casket.  That is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Ashlie made it snow... and has continued to make it snow, getting the children out of school.  The snow on the day of her services was BEAUTIFUL.  Big, beautiful, slowly falling snow... falling gracefully to the earth.  I had thought that it would be nice to release balloons after her services... pastel pink and white.  My hope was that everyone far and wide could see them.  Again, the funeral home granted that wish too.  They even had Boost put in them so that they would go higher... further...  As we released them in that beautiful snow, they stayed together... perfectly.  It was mesmerizing. 
TaTa4Now