Missing my "Little Guy"

   This morning in the quietness of the early morning, I find myself missing my little patient.  Having spent over a year, 5 days per week and at least 7 hours a day caring for him... I miss him.   What do I miss?  His laugh, his smile... him trying SO hard to accomplish... I even miss that little orneriness he would show me.   I miss his family.  I miss my routine.
   What a day I had yesterday!  My husband has been unemployed for 6 months, he found a job AND it has great pay and benefits!!  That was in the morning.  Then, yesterday afternoon I received a call and was offered a job!  Being a believer in NEVER burning bridges, I kept in touch with a previous co-worker.  That connection brought me a job offer!  Wow!  God answered my prayers!  I know he's been answering them in ways that I just didn't understand before, but now I feel like we have been doubly blessed!  I hope now we are headed down the hill... coasting for a while instead of rock climbing to the top!  *I suck at rock climbing anyways*  I'm exhausted!
  Shout-out to my "little guy's" parents.  God be with you...
TaTa4Now

My Little Angel...

I find myself really missing you this morning.  Your big sister is going to have "M" any day now!  Yes... you will soon be an aunt again!  Momma is going to Florida to meet him and take care of "E" and "D."  The last time I went to Florida, you were with me my sweet angel...  not this time though.  It's kind of bittersweet... I'm SO excited to have yet another grandbaby... but so wish you were here to go with me :)  I hope you and "C" (my little patient that passed) are having a BLAST in heaven!!  Two of heaven's most beautiful angels...
TaTa4Now

What a Whirlwind of a Week!

Last week was a whirlwind!  I observed as my little patient was laid to rest.  Excitedly, I was able to meet his paternal grandparents and his maternal grandfather.  My heart aches for his parents and their families.  I keep in touch with his Mom.  As I stated to her, we are in a club that no-one wants to be in... but we are...  we are unwilling members... the loss of a child.  We understand the depths of our pain... the depths of our loss.  We will help each other through the loss.
Here is a quick run-down of my week last week:  Sunday, trip two hours away to see the house we might move into; Monday, patient's visitation and packing; Tuesday, patient's funeral services, didn't pack any.  Wednesday, paint all four rooms of the house we are moving into (yeah, it's that big), pack when get back home; Thursday, finish packing and move.  I have spent the past few days unpacking, organizing.  Yes, we have moved again.  Back to where we came from... a small town of approximately 3,000.  What a change!  Just like the move to the large metro area, this move was also unwanted by me, but wanted by my husband.  He remains unemployed since October.  I am making a job change, not sure which area I want to venture into next with my nursing.  We will see what God has in store.
TaTa4Now

His Final Journey

This evening is the visitation for my little patient.  I haven't seen him since I was with his family for the last few hours of his life.  I want to pay my respects to his family and tell the little angel my last goodbyes... but I am SO dreading it.  As I posted on facebook last night... life can sure throw some ugly curve balls.  RIP.
TaTa4Now

Lions and Tigers and Bears... oh my!

Oh my says it all.  I just don't know what to do.  I have some HUGE decisions to make... and not much time to make them.  In a few days, I will watch as my little patient is laid to rest.  As the time nears, I dread it more and more.  My heart aches for his parents... I worry about his little sister's understanding of it all, she is only 3.  God be with them all.  I am at a loss as what I should do with my own life... it's a bit of a mess right now.  As so frequently happens with me, I find it difficult to lay my problems at the feet of our Lord.  I am afraid to even trust him.  We'll see what today brings.
TaTa4Now

Dear God...

Dear God,
PLEASE STOP TAKING PEOPLE THAT I CARE ABOUT AWAY FROM ME!  Have you not taken enough? 
      I just spent the past several hours with a precious child and his loving family.  I have been blessed to have been this little guy's nurse for just over a year now.  Although it has been an emotionally difficult journey for me, I will forever treasure every moment that I spent with him.  This child was born into a family that loved him.  A family that took him to wonderful places on joy-filled vacations.  I just witnessed this family lose something that was most precious to them... their son.  Unfortunately, I know this most horrendous pain.  God?  Is this why you sent me there?  To help them through their difficult journey?  What's next for me professionally?  At this time, I do not want to provide direct care to children any more.  I have treasured the opportunities it has provided me... the opportunity to truly make a difference in one's life.  Tonite I feel... mission accomplished.  I think it is time to move on... time to find a new way to make a difference in someone's life... time to take a different path.  We will see.  God be with my little patient's family.  I am comforted, and a bit jealous, that he is in heaven with my Ashlie.  Running, playing, laughing, giggling... I will forever remember his beautiful smile and that big belly laugh.  God rest your soul.

God... Wherefore Art Thou?

     Wow... I haven't posted for two months.  During this past two months, I have become more and more angry... more and more frustrated.  My heart feels empty inside.   I "fake" my way through most days.  Yes world... everything is GREAT!  I am fine... all is well!  Guess what?  All isn't well with Cheryl.  She's tired of having things taken away.  I have suffered huge losses in the past 7 years.  I would like for God to let someone else have their turn.  Yes God... I'm mad at you.  Have you not tested my strength enough?  Have I not proven myself?  Yes... I can be devastated inside and still drag myself through the mud... I come out tattered and torn, never to be the same... but I make it through.  Subconsciously, I know God is there for me, but I feel SO alone.  Feel as if I have to tackle each and every hurdle alone... no one there to catch me when I fall or brush off the dirt when I skin my knees.  People talk and make it sound good... let me know if you need anything, but no follow-up to check and see how we are.  I realize that I am NOT a person who asks for help, for I feel that my problems are just that... my problems not yours.  But... does common sense not exist anymore?  Seriously... stop by, call, don't just offer to help, don't just tell others you will help or don't just tell others "let her know I am thinking of her or tell her I said "Hi!"  Actually make the effort to reach out, especially when you know that she STINKS at asking for help.  What can a person who is totally overwhelmed with her life situation need? A break!!  ESPECIALLY when you know every detail of every stressor.  Seriously... what do you do for others?  Do they ask you to do each and every thing that you do for them?  I seriously doubt that.  When do I hear from some?  When they NEED something.  Yes... I said... when THEY need something from me.  People amaze me.  Do they think that if they don't outwardly admit something, that it means that NO ONE SEES what they do?  Or that it doesn't hurt like HECK to watch what you do for others and leave me and my family out?!  Especially when we have been through so much, especially these past two years, and are still struggling... both emotionally, healthwise, and even financially.  HELLO!!  RED FLAG WARNING!!  HELP NEEDED!!  I'm SICK of pretending that it is ok... IT IS NOT OKAY AND IT HURTS... it hurts me deeply. Let's see... who is expected to support the family financially... ME.  Who is expected to keep the family running efficiently, keeping everyone's needs met... ME.  Who has stayed at a job that is very emotionally stressful in order to provide for her family... ME.  Who is expected to be strong... ME.  Get it?  I can't be the one to do it all 24/7.  I'm a human, I am not a machine.  Machines even break down.  They need maintenance.  Maintenance can only be performed when the machine is turned off.
     I must find a way to replace the emptiness in my heart.  I must find my way back to God.  I must find a way to put it all in His hands.  Please pray for me.
     Last night I received news that my little 6 year old patient (yes, he's the same age as my daughter was when she passed... and yes his care is quite similar to hers... and yes he has basically the same physical abilities, etc... hence one of my job's emotional stressors) was in the hospital and wasn't doing well at that time.  My heart aches for his parents... for I know the fear of the possible loss of a child and unfortunately I am acutely aware of the devastating heartache of the actual loss of a child.  I have no concerns for him... for I KNOW God will send the biggest, strongest angels to take him to Heaven... and he will be forever free, like Ashlie... free to run, free to play, free to talk.  I am scared for myself though, if he passes away.  Isn't THAT selfish?  I fear what ONE MORE LOSS might do to me emotionally.  I can tell you this though.  I am DONE with pediatrics.  It's time to move my nursing career in a different direction.  Or at least not do direct pediatric patient care.  
     My husband and I discussed the following last night, after receiving the call from my patient's family.  He was very, very near death... wasn't responding to CPR.  We were elated to think that he has probably already seen Ashlie.  Perhaps God has decided that Ashlie should be one of the angels to accompany him to heaven... should the time arrive.  Was this one of the reaons God brought me into his life?  I know that he has already met Ashlie.  Within the first 6 months of taking care of him, there were several times when he would look to the right... and bust out laughing.  He would continue to do this.  I would feel the warm, loving presence of my Ashlie.  When I would ask "Is Ashlie playing with you?"  His face would go expressionless... like... how did you know?  I could envision her playing with him... laughing... with her curls bouncing in the wind.  Telling him stories about "her CRAZY Mom and some of the same things she did to me when she was my nurse."
Thanks for listening... I GREATLY needed it.
TaTa4Now