Another Angelic Encounter?

Today the sky was full of low-lying, rainfilled clouds, but no rain.  As I was driving to work today, my windshield was spritzed with am itsy bitsy, teenie, tiny rain shower.  Just enough to cover about half of the windshield.  I found myself feeling the overwhelming presence of Ashlie...  Ashlie giggling as she squirted me...  Ashlie running off with her beautiful curls a bouncin'.  It was such a comforting feeling.  I then found myself laughing outloud and saying outloud "you little stinker.  You did that didn't you Ashlie?!"
TaTa4Now

Can't Get The Image Out of my Head

     The image of how I found my daughter on the day she passed is stuck in my head.  I see it all of the time.  It is worse in my mind now than it actually was on the day it happened.  I won't go into details on here, but what I now see isn't what I found.  Why is this happening?  When will it stop?  Will it ever stop? 
     I still do not cry about her being gone.  Oh, I cry a few tears.  Then I quickly stop myself and stuff, stuff, stuff it down.  Cheryl, you can not cry.  You, my dear, must be the strong one.  You are the one that holds the family together.  Great... I'm the one holding the family together?!  Who's gonna catch me when I fall?  If I do fall, how is my family going to handle it?  Who will replace me in holding the family together?  Simply put... YOU MUST NOT FALL!  You can't... 
     I find myself not even praying for God's help any more.  How can he help me?  I don't even know what I need.  All I know is this...  I feel as if I have slipped off of the edge, into a big, nasty pit... and I don't even want to crawl out.  I'm tired of fighting, digging... slipping back into the pit.  So, Cheryl, what are you going to do about it?  Well, I feel that I need to get some mental health counseling to help me through this.  But... guess what?  My employer cancelled my insurance while I was off work after my daughter passed away.  So now I have no health insurance.  Ugghh... what's a girl to do.
TaTa4Now

Time for Some Truth

Today I decided it was time for some honesty.  No more hiding.  Time to 'fess up.  I've been doing some deep soul searching, trying to figure something out about myself.  As I have mentioned before, I rarely allow myself to cry about Ashlie's passing.  If I do, I quickly shove it right back down where it came from.  For at least the past two weeks, I haven't been sleeping well.  I actually awaken just as tired as I was when I went to bed.  I do not feel rested at all.  I would love to know what is going on in that mind of mine.  My sleep is so interrupted, fragmented... I constantly watch the clock.  Well, I think perhaps I have figured it out.  In all of my reading, learning, educating myself about grief, I continuously read about the two year mark after losing a child.  This is when a person hits their lowest point.  I think I'm afraid to get there... to get to that deepest, darkest point in my grief.  What happens if I never come back?  What happens if I stay locked in that grief?  So therefore, as I often do with my feelings, I shove them down...  deep down inside.   I must be the strong one... I am the one who is expected to and who must keep everything together.  I have to be the strong one, I have to be the breadwinner, I have to be the everything... it feels like to me.  This can be extremely overwhelming at times.  I think I am letting all of the feelings of responsibility keep me from properly grieving.  Being a nurse, I know that it is not healthy to supress your feelings.  It only comes back to haunt you at some point.  I also know that I would benefit from counseling, but how on earth can a person afford counseling when you don't have any health insurance, yet another thing that we lost after Ashlie passed away.  My employer cancelled my insurance while I was off.  Ugghh...
TaTa4Now