Donated More Medical Supplies

Today we were able to donate some more of Ashlie's medical supplies.  They went to lower income families.  It feels good to know that someone, especially someone who can't afford them, can benefit from those supplies.  We also searched for more homes today.  The day started off being a dud, but as we made it further through the day, it became more successful.  We found one property that we really liked.  It was in such a quiet area and had a country feel.  Have you ever heard the saying "you can take a girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of a girl?"  Well, that is true with me.  Although we live in the city now, I will always long to be living in the country again.  But... life takes us in different directions some times.  I had yet another good day again today.  It feels so nice to finally start having some good days.  The burden on my heart remains lighter.  We were blessed with another out of character beautiful day.  Much warmer weather than we usually have this time of year.  Ashlie... it would have been a beautiful day to take you out on the trail.  Mom couldn't bring herself to go without you.
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Ashlie's Medical Equipment

A few days ago, we received a thank you from the child that received Ashlie's lift.  He thanked us for "saving his Mom's back."  I can not tell you how comforting it was to know that we were able to help someone else through our loss.  That is one of the many reasons to "pay it forward."  God continues to work with me, guiding me.  Today was the best day I have had since Ashlie passed away.  He continues to lighten the burden on my heart.  For the first time, I actually felt happy...  it is truly the first time since she passed.  I am even finding myself wanting to start my crafting again.  Today I had a job interview for a hospice nurse position.  I felt as if the interview went well.  They will be interviewing for another week or two.  I gave it my best shot... we will see what God's plan is!  Yesterday we looked for homes ALL day, and we are going out again today.  I do not enjoy this process!  It is so stressful andI will be glad when we are finished.  God be with each and every one of you.
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Choices to make and Seeing Angels?

Well... I know, I say "well" all the time...  I received a phone call today for an interview as a hospice nurse!  WOW!!  was I excited!  I jumped up and down like a kid in a candy store.  I did A LOT of praying yesterday, asking God for his guidance and for help to show me his plan for me.  He sure did!  Then just a couple of hours later, I received a phone call from my current employer, with whom I have been waiting for ANY hours from, letting me know that I will start with my new patient this coming Monday!  Wow... I couldn't believe it!  My plans are to go ahead with my interview though, it is Thursday at 1:00 PM.  I tend to really trust my "gut."  I feel like I am being "pulled" in the direction of providing hospice care.  But, I will continue to pray, asking God again for his guidance.  Love to all!!
p.s.  I almost forgot to share... tomorrow we are going to go house hunting!  I'm excited, but yet I dread it too.  Supposed to be wonderful weather!!  Wish me luck!
I also wanted to share a quick, little story.  Tonite my granddaughter, she's 2 and was very close to Ashlie, was telling MiMi (me) that "Ashie (her pronunciation) is in heaven."  MiMi "yes she is!"  Granddaughter "the boy is coming."  MiMi "He is?"  "Yes, MiMi, he is."  I then asked if "he was a big boy or a little boy?"  To which she replied "umm... a little boy.  He is here now and Ashie is having fun!"
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Just Another Day In...

I certainly can't say its "Just Another Day in Paradise" because it wasn't.  Unfortunately, I couldn't even really hear or enjoy the sermon in church today.  There are just so many things running through my mind that I can't even concentrate, it doesn't help that I didn't get much sleep last night.  All these random thoughts just continuously run through my head... nothing in particular really, just a jumbled mess.  Yet again, I don't have any hours for my patient.  Evidently the state hasn't approved them yet.  Of course, I don't really know what's going on, my employer hasn't bothered to call me and let me know.  Also, I have also stated three different times that I NEED hours!  They were supposedly going to "find" me some.  How frustrating!  Its just such horrible timing. 
Last nite and today I delivered my Valentine deliveries.  My youngest sister-in-law had us over for dinner.  I am not able to mail lollipop bouquets, so I was only able to share them with the one's that live close by.  I would have LOVED to have made them for my grandbabies, but there is just NO way to mail them and keep them intact.  Valentine's Day will be hard without Ashlie, but I will just have to try hard to focus on what I do have for I know that I am quite blessed.
I'm SO angry at myself.  It was absolutely beautiful outside today.  We have been SO cold here lately and have had quite a bit of snow.  There is a beautiful walking trail nearby and I wanted to go walking on it so badly.  But I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I enjoyed taking Ashlie on it.  She has always loved the wind in her hair.  I would put a visor on her to keep the sun out of her eyes and off we would go.  I know she would want me to go enjoy the trail again.  But I just didn't have the strength to tackle it today.  There will be another nice day... soon I hope.
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Struggling... in Several Ways

Well, I wasn't going to share this part of my journey.  Typically, by nature, I am a very private person.  But I feel as if I am teetering... unbalanced... and about to fall.  Will there be anyone to catch me if I do?  I am an RN, but my employer has not had any hours for me since Ashlie passed.  They have a new patient for me, but we are still awaiting state approval, so I have not started.  I have applied for several jobs, haven't heard from any as of yet.  I have the burden of being the breadwinner of the family, too.  Also, due to all of the snow, my husband has not had very many hours either.  So... not only are we dealing with the loss of Ashlie, but we are struggling financially as well, barely keeping our heads afloat in the tidal waves of life.  We have sold something that was meaningful to me, but alas necessary in order for us to have a roof over our heads.  My feelings run from numb... to feelings of "if one more things happens, I am not going to be able to take it"... to what are we going to do?  We don't have a grave marker for Ashlie either... yet another thing that eats away at me.  Our lease is up where we live and I desperately need out of here... looking at Ashlie's closed door all the time is just too hard.  Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode... sometimes I feel like I want to run away... sometimes I feel angry... sometimes I don't feel at all.
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Reality?

Yesterday morning I found myself listening to the songs that we chose for Ashlie's services.  I haven't done this often.  They were very cleansing... but for the first time I think I finally realized that it is true... she is gone.  I am not living in a bad dream that someone will come along and wake me up from.  I will never get to see that smile, touch her cheek, tame those curls...  I allowed myself to cry this time.  My husband was at work, youngest son was safely asleep.  I had a feeling inside of me that is indescribable...  I sat on our couch, eyes closed, listening to the music.  I began to feel as if Ashlie was there with me... and that she was telling me "Mom, its okay!  Look Momma... I'm happy, I'm really happy!  I run and play with everyone... do everything that they can do!"  She is spinning around... her curls are bouncing in the wind... and she is off running to play with her new friends. 
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What People Who Are Grieving May Need

What do people who are grieving need?  Believe me... I have first hand knowledge that they DO NOT KNOW what they need.  They are caught up in the grieving process and are not able to ask for help.  So... what could they possibly need?  That is a very difficult question to answer.  What I can tell you from my view point is this... I just simply need to know that people care and that they have not forgotten Ashlie.  As others are able to "go on about their lives" in a more normal way, we are still bound by grief.  Things as simple as a "thinking of you" card, email, text, however you feel best connecting with someone... it is simply that fact that you cared enough to let us know you were thinking of us.  I am sure that the grieving person does NOT care how they receive comfort.  Often people forget that siblings grieve too.  Offer to take the surviving siblings out to do something, anything, even just a coke, to allow them time away and allow the parents much needed time alone.  Personally, I LOVE to hear "Ashlie" stories.  For I do not want to forget her, and treasure how she touched others lives.
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