Sunday, May 8, 2016

?? Happy Mother's Day ??

Today is Mother's Day.  I sit here brokenhearted.  My Mom is gone... My Dad is gone... My daughter is gone.  God?  Why did you take both of my parents?  I sure could have used my Dad's strength these last two years... my Mother's support and just simply her hug, her doing something just to make me feel special.  Mother's Day has NOT been the same since I lost her.  What is a Mother's Day without your Mom?  Without all of your children?  I'm really struggling this morning...

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

She's Been Gone 5 Years... Wow...

Wow.. Five years ago today the angels came and escorted my curly haired angel to Heaven... as she was sleeping.  She left this Earth with a smile on her face.  When I went to bed that night, I didn't know that it would be the last time I tucked her in.  I didn't know that I would never again ready those curls for her to attend school.  I didn't know that I would never get to tell her that I loved her again.  I simply didn't know...  She is now in Heaven with some of Earth's best... my grandparents, my parents, my uncles, my brother, my patients, my unborn baby.  Today my heart has ached, I have felt angry.  Angry at the choices that others made that eventually lead to her early death... Angry that others used her for sympathy...  Angry that others seem to have forgotten that she lived.  I haven't forgetten... I never will.  God brought me into her life for a reason... And he took her so young for a reason.  Here on Earth, I won't know that reason.  I can only guess.  But there will come a day that I will be with her and all of those whom I love and miss so much.  Ashlie, thank you for being a bright ray of sunshine in my life.  You taught me so very many life lessons...

Monday, June 1, 2015

Has Anyone Seen "Me?"

I've really been struggling lately.  Been feeling very lonely, broken-hearted.  Stuck in a "funk" that I just can't quite pull myself back out of.  One of the biggest questions that plays throughout my head, is "why?" Or maybe "how?"  How does a person go from telling you to your face that they love you, to trying to destroy you, in a matter of a few days?  I'm not sure why, but I continuously ask myself this question. How was it so easy for him?  And why do it in such an evil manner?  I'm so lonely.  He walked away so easily.  My heart still aches for "what could have been."  Seems to me like I just can't find my way.  Can't find my way to being the Mother that I would like to be, being the MiMi that I need to be, or just simply being me.  I don't know who "me" is anymore.  Has anyone seen her?  I catch glimpses of her in the mirror.  If you find her, will you give her a hug?  She longs desperately for someone to hug her... To comfort her...  She doesn't want to always have to be the one comforting/caring for others.  When is it her turn?

Saturday, May 23, 2015

God's Beautiful Gift

I sit this morning... outside on my patio.  A cool, soft breeze blows, I grasp my warm coffee cup with both hands.  The peacefulness of the morning quiets my soul.  It is dark outside, the sun hasn't yet awakened.  Mother Earth is always awake.  I listen... the rain falls softly, the cricket chirps, the birds sing their peaceful jubilee.  All is right with the world.  God has blessed us with this beautiful gift we call Earth.  Far too many times, I forget to appreciate it.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Life Circles

First, let me briefly explain what I do for a living.  I am a Registered Nurse, providing Private Duty Nursing for medically fragile children in their home.  What does that mean?  Basically, I provide nursing care for patients and their families in their own home.  I know that God truly blessed me when He put me on this path for my profession.  I absolutely love what I do.  I feel that I have been given the opportunity to truly make a difference in my patient's and their family's lives, and I don't take that choice lightly.  In March of 2011, just after I lost my own daughter, I was placed in a home with Colin.  For one year, I would be blessed to care for him.  In March of 2012, God would take him to Heaven.  His parent's chose to bring him home to pass away.  They also asked for me to be there.  I would hold him as he was taking some of his last breaths.  I would talk to him about Jesus, assuring him that it was okay, the angels would be with him on his journey.  Also assuring him that Ashlie would be there.  I KNOW that my Ashlie had already met him.  I would be with him at the kitchen table, giving him his feeding through his feeding tube.  He would look to the right, he wasn't able to speak, and get the BIGGEST grin on his face.  I would feel an OVERWHELMING presence of my Ashlie.  I would say to him, "Colin?  Is Ashlie here??  His response would be to again have a HUGE grin on his face and get VERY excited.  I would then talk with him about her.  I would often play "I Can Only Imagine," by Mercy Me and sing with it to him.  You see, that song was played at Ashlie's services, at both of my parent's also.  What I would find out later, is that his Daddy also played that song and sang it with him.  That song holds such a special place in my heart.  It remains to this day how my Ashlie reminds me that she is still here.   I keep in touch with this beautiful family.  We share a bond that goes beyond words, we always will.  I have moved a few hours away from them now, but they invited my son and I up in December of last year.  I can NOT describe how good it was for my SOUL to see them and spend time with them.  Again this weekend, we will be traveling to their home :)  I can not wait to see them all again :)

Life's Pathways

On February 14th of 2015, (yes, Valentine's Day, the day of love,) my husband of 22 years called me as I was driving home from work to tell me that he was gone... and wanted a divorce.  Not only would he devastate me emotionally, but he would attempt to leave his son and I homeless.  What he didn't count on was my perseverance.  Not only have I been able to maintain a roof over our heads, I also have kept up with the painfully exorbitant financial burden.  This journey has been the craziest, scariest, most unpredictable ride I have experienced.  What makes a person decide that their goal in life is to attempt to make someone miserable?  I guess the answer to that would be a miserable person.  Like in many life trials, I have found out who will continue to stand beside me.  Some have chosen to walk away, leaving me feeling that they walked away because "I told you so,"  I will never know for sure.  But... such is life... very unpredictable.  This man that chose to throw me in the trash, also chose to do the same to his son.  Our son is 22 years old and mentally challenged.  He doesn't quite understand everything that goes on in the world.  All he knows is that his Dad told him that he and his Mom weren't getting along and he was going to his parents' home for a few days.  Come 2 months later, and this man is begging me to make our son have dinner with him and his new girlfriend for our son's birthday.  (Yes, I said his girlfriend.  He left me for another woman, but wasn't man enough to tell me to my face). So I had to be the one to tell our son, not only is your Dad not coming back, he wants you to meet his new girlfriend.  He continuously makes promises to our son, and NEVER keeps them, promising to come and get him, etc.  I will NEVER, EVER understand how a person can walk away from their family so easily.  I have had over a year now to do a lot of reflecting.  But I wonder if he ever even loved me?  I loved this man from the top of my head down to the tips of my toes.    
Now, I will say this about what my husband did.  Okay... I know I am not a perfect human.  I know I wasn't always the best wife that I could be.  But I did NOT deserve to be treated and thrown away like I was.  Not only did he just "up and leave" without even facing me, he withdrew ALL of our money.  The money that was sitting there waiting to make my car payment, the money to feed myself and HIS son with.  The money to pay the bills with.  Yet again, I had made bad choices.  I allowed this man to COMPLETELY control the money.  He had not paid ANY bill for two months.  How did I find out he had not only withdrawn all money, but had not paid bills for two months?  When the city came knocking on the door, when I was at work and our son was at home, saying they were going to cut off the water if your Dad doesn't come up here and get it paid, they didn't know Dad was gone.  Much to my dismay, as I called EVERYONE we made payments to, he had paid nothing.  He had been pocketing his paycheck, withdrawing cash from my paycheck "to pay bills" with.  Talk about being devastated.  Words can simply not explain how I felt on that day, I have not forgotten how scared I was.  Now, I had to decide which to pay first, my car, so I could drive to work, or my house payment, to keep a roof over our heads.  My purpose in sharing all of this personal information is to encourage everyone, male or female, to be aware of the finances in the home.  Do NOT remain un-involved in the bill paying. Do NOT be unaware of where the money is spent.  PLEASE DO NOT assume that the person whom you love has your best interests at heart.  They could very well be planning your financial, and perhaps even your very own, demise.  I truly loved this man.  From the top of my head down to the tips of my toes.  No one will love him as much as I did.  I fought hard to keep our marriage together.  He walked away easily.  He had put a plan in place YEARS ago, leading up to this point.  And his family was involved and aware.  Speaks for their character.  I filed for divorce quickly, and then he would drag out the divorce for 9 long months.  WHY???!!!  So, now I wonder... will I ever be able to love again?  Will I ever TRUST again?  Dating after spending all but a very short time of my adult life married, seems extremely overwhelming.  I had found the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  But... it wasn't meant to be.  I have shoved grieving for my daughter downward throughout the divorce... it resurfaced in November, on the 10th, it was her birthday.  It was a difficult day for me.  She still reminds me that she is there though.  All my love my angel...  
What I would like to add is this... don't just "sit in the backseat."  DO NOT give up yourself to try and keep a marriage together, it takes TWO people working together!  This was my second marriage, and I wanted so desperately to "finally get it right."  To have at least kept one family together.  I truly thought that it was best for my kids to have this marriage intact.  What I didn't realize is what I was losing to try and keep it together... that was until I obtained my FREEDOM! For you see, I am now truly free, truly free to be me.  I simply had no idea how I was living.  Now I can dress how I like, I can speak to whomever I wish,  I can go anywhere I want.  It has been a painful journey, but I am finding out who I truly am... not who I am when I'm wearing my Mom hat, or my Nurse hat, or my Sister hat.  But just simply me... and I think I like her :)

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Well, I made it through the 3 year anniversary.  What a roller coaster of emotions kind of day.  As the morning progressed, my emotions became more and more... well, how would I describe it... more and more, confused, angry, entangled, in great turmoil. I don't even know how to describe them.  I felt that HUGE fear that I have of returning to the awful, dark place I once was building inside of me... afraid that I will go back to that dark place and never return.  It's a terrible feeling that I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy.  What keeps me fighting on, is knowing that my youngest son, who is 20 and developmentally delayed, is dependent on me... and knowing that my grandchildren deserve to have at least one grandparent that is involved in their lives, and that is me.  My oldest son will be perfectly fine without me, he is very independent and sure of himself.  My oldest daughter would miss me, but is doing quite well on her own, despite being a military wife/mom and raising an autistic child.  She is doing a wonderful job.  (Don't misinterpret what I mean by that.  Certainly not suicide, I have strong Christian beliefs against that.  I just mean if psychologically I wasn't available.)  So... as the day progressed, and I told myself that I was NOT going to that dark place, I again pulled myself out, fought off the huge volcano of emotions begging to erupt inside of me and take over my life.  I did it!!  As the day progressed, my husband and I, after being relatively quiet, began to mention some of our favorite memories.  As the day progressed, our grief somewhat eased.  By the end of the day, I was more easily, albeit difficult, reliving wonderful memories without that deep, dark pain.  Another event that reminds me how fragile life is.  Another event that scares me about losing those I love.  Another event that causes me to expect to find my 20 year old son dead every time I check on him, which is often while he sleeps.  You see, my son began having seizures, after 15 years of being seizure free, just months after we lost Ashlie.  What did we lose Ashlie to?  Yes, you're right, it was a seizure.  
Ashlie, your memory lives on... never to be forgotten.