She's Been Gone 5 Years... Wow...

Wow.. Five years ago today the angels came and escorted my curly haired angel to Heaven... as she was sleeping.  She left this Earth with a smile on her face.  When I went to bed that night, I didn't know that it would be the last time I tucked her in.  I didn't know that I would never again ready those curls for her to attend school.  I didn't know that I would never get to tell her that I loved her again.  I simply didn't know...  She is now in Heaven with some of Earth's best... my grandparents, my parents, my uncles, my brother, my patients, my unborn baby.  Today my heart has ached, I have felt angry.  Angry at the choices that others made that eventually lead to her early death... Angry that others used her for sympathy...  Angry that others seem to have forgotten that she lived.  I haven't forgetten... I never will.  God brought me into her life for a reason... And he took her so young for a reason.  Here on Earth, I won't know that reason.  I can only guess.  But there will come a day that I will be with her and all of those whom I love and miss so much.  Ashlie, thank you for being a bright ray of sunshine in my life.  You taught me so very many life lessons...
TaTa4Now

Has Anyone Seen "Me?"

I've really been struggling lately.  Been feeling very lonely, broken-hearted.  Stuck in a "funk" that I just can't quite pull myself back out of.  One of the biggest questions that plays throughout my head, is "why?" Or maybe "how?"  How does a person go from telling you to your face that they love you, to trying to destroy you, in a matter of a few days?  I'm not sure why, but I continuously ask myself this question. How was it so easy for him?  And why do it in such an evil manner?  I'm so lonely.  He walked away so easily.  My heart still aches for "what could have been."  Seems to me like I just can't find my way.  Can't find my way to being the Mother that I would like to be, being the MiMi that I need to be, or just simply being me.  I don't know who "me" is anymore.  Has anyone seen her?  I catch glimpses of her in the mirror.  If you find her, will you give her a hug?  She longs desperately for someone to hug her... To comfort her...  She doesn't want to always have to be the one comforting/caring for others.  When is it her turn?
TaTa4Now

Life Circles

First, let me briefly explain what I do for a living.  I am a Registered Nurse, providing Private Duty Nursing for medically fragile children in their home.  What does that mean?  Basically, I provide nursing care for patients and their families in their own home.  I know that God truly blessed me when He put me on this path for my profession.  I absolutely love what I do.  I feel that I have been given the opportunity to truly make a difference in my patient's and their family's lives, and I don't take that choice lightly.  In March of 2011, just after I lost my own daughter, I was placed in a home with Colin.  For one year, I would be blessed to care for him.  In March of 2012, God would take him to Heaven.  His parent's chose to bring him home to pass away.  They also asked for me to be there.  I would hold him as he was taking some of his last breaths.  I would talk to him about Jesus, assuring him that it was okay, the angels would be with him on his journey.  Also assuring him that Ashlie would be there.  I KNOW that my Ashlie had already met him.  I would be with him at the kitchen table, giving him his feeding through his feeding tube.  He would look to the right, he wasn't able to speak, and get the BIGGEST grin on his face.  I would feel an OVERWHELMING presence of my Ashlie.  I would say to him, "Colin?  Is Ashlie here??  His response would be to again have a HUGE grin on his face and get VERY excited.  I would then talk with him about her.  I would often play "I Can Only Imagine," by Mercy Me and sing with it to him.  You see, that song was played at Ashlie's services, at both of my parent's also.  What I would find out later, is that his Daddy also played that song and sang it with him.  That song holds such a special place in my heart.  It remains to this day how my Ashlie reminds me that she is still here.   I keep in touch with this beautiful family.  We share a bond that goes beyond words, we always will.  I have moved a few hours away from them now, but they invited my son and I up in December of last year.  I can NOT describe how good it was for my SOUL to see them and spend time with them.  Again this weekend, we will be traveling to their home :)  I can not wait to see them all again :)

TaTa4Now

Well, I made it through the 3 year anniversary.  What a roller coaster of emotions kind of day.  As the morning progressed, my emotions became more and more... well, how would I describe it... more and more, confused, angry, entangled, in great turmoil. I don't even know how to describe them.  I felt that HUGE fear that I have of returning to the awful, dark place I once was building inside of me... afraid that I will go back to that dark place and never return.  It's a terrible feeling that I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy.  What keeps me fighting on, is knowing that my youngest son, who is 20 and developmentally delayed, is dependent on me... and knowing that my grandchildren deserve to have at least one grandparent that is involved in their lives, and that is me.  My oldest son will be perfectly fine without me, he is very independent and sure of himself.  My oldest daughter would miss me, but is doing quite well on her own, despite being a military wife/mom and raising an autistic child.  She is doing a wonderful job.  (Don't misinterpret what I mean by that.  Certainly not suicide, I have strong Christian beliefs against that.  I just mean if psychologically I wasn't available.)  So... as the day progressed, and I told myself that I was NOT going to that dark place, I again pulled myself out, fought off the huge volcano of emotions begging to erupt inside of me and take over my life.  I did it!!  As the day progressed, my husband and I, after being relatively quiet, began to mention some of our favorite memories.  As the day progressed, our grief somewhat eased.  By the end of the day, I was more easily, albeit difficult, reliving wonderful memories without that deep, dark pain.  Another event that reminds me how fragile life is.  Another event that scares me about losing those I love.  Another event that causes me to expect to find my 20 year old son dead every time I check on him, which is often while he sleeps.  You see, my son began having seizures, after 15 years of being seizure free, just months after we lost Ashlie.  What did we lose Ashlie to?  Yes, you're right, it was a seizure.  
Ashlie, your memory lives on... never to be forgotten.
TaTa4Now

Three Years Since We Buried Our Angel

Today's post is written in her favorite color, pink.  I cannot believe it's been 3 years since our little girl was laid to rest.  The day we buried you there was the most beautiful snow I had ever seen falling from the sky.  Today there is a beautiful snow already on the ground.  A part of me says "wow, it has been 3 long years."  Where another part of me says "how can it be 3 years!"  I know that for me, I am now a different person.  I have changed the way I view the world.  I have became stronger in some areas, weaker in others.  By stronger, I mean that in some ways I have found a strength that I didn't have before to stand-up for myself.  I have became tired of hurting and took life by the reins to change that.  A person can only be walked on for so long, and yes, I became more aware of my role in allowing people to take advantage of me.  By weaker, I mean that I, unfortunately, am horribly afraid that others in my life will pass away suddenly, unexpectedly.  It is something that haunts me.  I do not have the inner strength that I once had either, it has been weakened.  I remain unable to look at pictures of Ashlie.  I think I fear going back to the dark, pain-filled place I once was.  Believe me, I don't EVER, ever want to hurt that badly again.  The pain you feel after losing a child is indescribable.  I hope I never, ever have to feel that depth of pain again.  I do have to thank Ashlie for the joy that she brought to me.  She was a ray of sunshine.  I will forever remember attempting to "tame" those curls of hers each morning as we prepared for her school day.  Forever remember opening her backpack as soon as we got back inside from getting off of the school bus and then reviewing her papers... and that big smile as we talked about each one.  Forever remember those walks down the walking trail after school, just you and I, and you sleeping all the way back home.  Forever remember when it was too hot to walk on the trail, we would sit on the patio and talk about nature, and school, and...  I will just simply... FOREVER REMEMBER...
TaTa4Now

9 Years... 9 Long Years Since I Lost My Father

Today marks 9 years since I lost my father at the age of 67.  Really, words can't explain the depth of my feelings of loss.  You see, my Dad was my strength in life.  He was a wonderful role model for myself and my children.  My Dad was a very logical, analytical thinker.  Always thinking through every decision he ever made, which made him very confident in his decisions, as he should have been.  That strength is what I miss most about my Father.  I could go to him and KNOW that I would get a very well thought out opinion for some of life's most difficult decisions.  There is a part of me that is glad that he doesn't have to suffer any more.  Dad was a smoker since he was 14 years old.  He had severe COPD, a lung disease.  He had lost 65%, yes, 65% of his lung capacity.  He was on oxygen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Then my Dad would begin to be robbed of his mind by Alzhiemers.  He was ashamed of those days where he would not be able to remember what "butter" was called.  It tore me up to see such a strong man's health and mind decline in such a way.  So, for the fact that he no longer suffers, I am grateful.  But the selfish part of me wishes he was still here with me.  I will forever be grateful for God giving me my Dad's brain, for we both loved our math, researching our interests, completing the task at hand to the best of our ability, and standing firm in our beliefs.  Thank you Dad for everything you gave to me.  Miss you so very much...

TaTa4Now

p.s.  PLEASE don't smoke.  If you are a smoker, PLEASE find a way to quit.  No one should have to suffer like my Dad did.

Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them do Unto You... Full Circle

Being a person who loves doing crafts, I am in a few crafting groups.  One of these group's administrators set-up a Santa's Elf project.  Any group member could put a name on the Elf List for the elves to send Christmas cheer.  Yesterday, I sent out my Christmas cheer to 15 people within the US, one to Ontario Canada, and one to England!  It was a wonderful feeling to get those mailed out and hope that the recipient is able to forget about their troubles at least for one brief moment.  Soon, my own mail would arrive at my home.  As I'm looking through my mail, I find an orange envelope from Shutterfly.  Hmm... I didn't order anything from Shutterfly.  Slowly, I open the envelope.  I find a white, drawstring tied bag.  Inside this bag is such an amazing gift!  It is a bracelet with a picture of my precious Ashlie!!  It is difficult to explain the feeling when I saw this.  My first thought was "now anytime I want to have my Ashlie near, all I have to do is wear this!  Who had such a giving spirit to send me such a thoughtful gift!!"  Now it's time to figure out who sent this wonderful gift to me.  I think I know already.  
Always be willing to give to help others.  That gift has a way of returning full circle. :)  God is good...
TaTa4Now

Heaven Received Another Angel

My mind has remained riding the roller coaster of emotions.  My beautiful granddaughter remains "playing with Ashlie, talking with Ashlie, seeing Ashlie" and now she talks with her autistic little brother about Ashlie.  Telling him how Ashlie is in heaven, "D", and she will "stay there forever and watch over us.  She is with Jesus."  What a truly special bond they had.  One Angelic Encounter I remember with my granddaughter as I was talking with her on the phone on her way to school went like this:
E:  MiMi, that cloud is Ashlie!
MiMi:  It looks like Ashlie or she is sitting on it?
E:  No, MiMi it is Ashlie.  She is watching over us.
E:  Mimi, I miss Ashlie.
MiMi:  I do too E.  Has she not came to see you?  Yes, she has MiMi, but I miss playing with her when she leaves.  It makes me sad when she has to go back to heaven.
You see, Ashlie comes and visits my granddaughter, E, in her room.  My daughter hears her talking and playing with her and E shares SO many events with me.  The pure innocence and love of children.  E was only 2 years old when Ashlie passed.  They obviously shared a special bond.
There have been more changes for me with my job.  I had been working nights, have been for several years.  Then I began struggling with being able to sleep during the day.  I fought it for 6 months.  It won.  I simply could not physically handle the limited amount of sleep I was getting, and after-all, I am a Registered Nurse.  I have to be clear-minded to do my job.  So, I quit my job without another job in place.  WAY out of my character, but I just simply could not work nights any more.  Prayers were made for God's guidance as to where my profession would go next.  Having such great losses with my private duty nursing, I felt that maybe it was time for a change.  It isn't easy to find day shift nursing positions and I am very selective also.  I applied for two different positions working with developmentally delayed adults.  I was one of the finalist with both, but was not ultimately chosen.  Then I see an ad in the paper for a day shift position doing the private duty nursing again.  I would interview with the employer and then with the patient's family and would be offered a job. Guess God thought I needed to stay with the private duty nursing, working with medically fragile children.  Here I would find a wonderful, loving family, with a beautiful baby girl.  Within one month after beginning her care, God would take her to heaven.  She was laid to rest yesterday.  Yet another funeral.  Yet another loss.  I buried my daughter, buried my very next patient, and just buried my last patient.  I've had several discussions with God about all of my loss.  He knows how deeply I love, how deeply I grieve, how deeply I grieve for the families of these precious angels.  We will see where God takes me now.  For now, my employer has no other patients for me.  God has a plan.  RIP my beautiful angels.  Cheryl (Momma to Ashlie) loves you dearly.

More Angelic Encounters

     Well blog... I have let you down.  It's nothing personal.  I have been stuffing down my feelings.  Stuffing them down... down... down.  Down to where I will never, ever hurt so deeply again.  As Dr. Phil would say... "How's that workin' for ya'?"  As you can guess, it isn't very effective.  Okay, it works for a while.  Why do I do this?  I know it is unhealthy, but I fear hurting so deeply again.  I don't want to go down to the depths of pain that I felt before.  I think I fear that I won't return from that painful place... that I will be stuck there forever. Well, the upcoming new year brought about a promise that I made to myself.  That promise?  To feel... to just simply feel.  Then decide how to act on those feelings.  Don't just sit there wondering if what I'm feeling is okay, good, bad, whatever.  What difference does it make "what" those feelings are... they are my feelings... mine.  I must chose what I want to do with them.
     #1  My granddaughter, "E", had some conversations with me that can only be sent from God.  She is now 4 1/2 years old.  She was extremely close to my Ashlie.  A few days ago she wanted to talk to me.  She lives in Florida, so we do a lot of talking on the phone and "seeing" each other via iPad/iPhone.  Let me remind you that when my Ashlie passed away, my daughter and her children were at my home visiting (thank God!).  In my grief of finding my youngest daughter deceased, I ran through the house calling out for my husband (he was at work, but I was delirious at the time.)  Unfortunately, my then 2 1/2 yr   old granddaughter heard me screaming and saw me crying.  She remembers to this day... it is something I regret her having to witness.  Anyways... she frequently asks me why I was crying for Ashlie.  My standard reply is that Ashlie died and went to heaven... and MiMi was sad because she misses her.  So... she asks me, "MiMi, why did you cry for Ashlie?"  I gave her my standard reply.  She then tells me, "MiMi, it's okay.  Ashlie's happy in heaven.  She's all better.  I made her better."  "Wow... oh my God"... was all I could say when I got off of the phone with her.  This touched me deeply.  Ashlie still wants us to know that she is okay. 
     #2  Yesterday, my granddaughter had wanted to call her MiMi.  Here is our conversation 
E: "MiMi, did you see Ashlie today?"  
Me: "no."  
E:"you didn't?  Why?"  
Me: "I don't know!"  
She later asks me, "MiMi are you gonna die?"  
Me: "some day, but not for a long, long, time."  
E: "Are you going to heaven?"  
Me: "yes"  
E:  "are you gonna be all better after you go to heaven?  And I will see you all better?" 
Me: "no, honey.  MiMi won't be all better, but she will be happy in heaven.  
I was afraid that maybe she was thinking that I would go to heaven and then come back, alive.  My oldest daughter was listening, as she always does with these types of conversations.  Ugghh...what was I thinking... Ashlie went to heaven and is now "all better."  So shall I be also!  My darling, little "E" is trying to figure it all out.  She knows Ashlie died and went to heaven... and she knows that now she "sees" Ashlie and she is "all better"... no wheelchair, able to speak, etc.  It must be so confusing in her young mind.    
My daughter has even overheard her playing Barbie's with Ashlie.  What a special bond they had.
TaTa4Now

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day... the day for Mothers... my 7th without mine.  I missed her terribly... from when I awoke... to when I fell asleep.  I just simply missed her.  Last year's Mother's Day was devastating without my Ashlie, it was my first without her.  This year, 7 years later, I'm again missing my Mom... just wanting to see her one more time.  My heart is also aching for my sweet patient's Mom this year.  (My 6 year old patient that passed in March of this year.)  I, unfortunately, know the depths of her pain... the loss of a child.  Something you don't "get over in time"... something you just simply learn to live with.... creating a life without them... a life honoring their memory.... something I have had to do after losing my parents so close together.
The bright spot of my day?  My oldest son taking me out to eat breakfast!  I had the pleasure of his company, his future wife's, her Mom, her brother, and my youngest son's!  I treasure ANY time spent with my kids!  I know that I haven't always been the best Mom, but I do know that I put every bit of my heart and soul into being the best Mom that I know how to be.  Hopefully, they will forgive my faults and know how much I truly love them.  I am so very proud... and so very lucky to have them in my life!
TaTa4Now

Happy Mother's Day?

Well... today is Mother's Day.  Don't know about the happy part.  I'm not feeling very happy at the moment.  Actually, I'm feeling pretty horrible.  I'm missing my Mom terribly today.  Yes, it's been 7 years... but my heart doesn't care.  I'd give just about anything for just one more hug... one more day.  I miss her laugh... I miss her making me feel so special... even on Mother's Day, and even though she was MY Mother.  But... on a happy note... my oldest son is taking me out for breakfast! Spending time with him will make me feel much better!  I wish I could have all of my little "chicks" together with me for Mother's Day, but it just isn't "doable" when they are spread out all across the nation... and one is in Heaven.  Time to get ready for my Mother's Day breakfast!
TaTa4Now!

Blog! I've Been Neglecting You!

Well... so much has happened.  I'm back from welcoming my 3rd grandchild into the world!  A baby boy.  Mom did awesome, baby boy... not so much at first.  He had pneumonia :(  After spending the first week of his life in the hospital, he finally got to come home.  It took him a bit to start gaining weight, but he's doing great now!  I cannot believe how well my daughter bounced back!  It was her third c-section and I was concerned for her recovery time before I had to go back home.  No need to worry!  She did amazing!!  Thank you God!!  I thoroughly enjoyed the time that I spent in Florida with my daughter and her family.  It was a much needed break away from my stresses at home.  I remain not working.  It is a much needed break, but I'm finding myself bored.  I just can't get motivated to finish the last unpacking and going through.  It's been a rough journey... going through the last of the things that I have left from my Mom.  I have to downsize... no choice and I have limited storage options for what I do want to keep.  It's exhilarating going through things... and devastating at the same time.  I miss my Mom so very much.  I miss the comfort of going into their home and knowing... NO MATTER WHAT... they loved me.  They truly loved... ME.  I feel like the only thing I have left of them is just that... THINGS.  Yes, I know I have my memories... I will always have my memories.  But... some material things have special, special memories.  So... it's been hard.  I'm emotionally exhausted from all of it.  I have told myself that I can't craft until I get everything unpacked and put away.  Ugghh... I hate fighting with myself.  I want to craft... it's actually fun!  But if I get started crafting, I will NOT finish my unpacking/sorting.  So... here I sit... staring at my wall decor that needs to be hung and the boxes that I need to put away and/or find a home for.  Bah humbug.  I also have found myself missing my little patient a lot this past week.  I felt as though I was a part of that family, I mourn that loss too.  Of course... I will always miss Ashlie.  Such a sweet butterfly...  Mother's Day is in two days :(  I'm dreading it...
TaTa4Now

Tickled with Glee

     Yesterday I got all of the boxes we had here unpacked and put away.  I was so excited!  Then... what does my husband do?  Bring home more stuff that I have to put away!  Geesh... we have downsized SO much... I don't know what I am going to do with some of it.  He failed to tell me just how much stuff was left to be moved!  Ugghh...
     My husband and I had a wonderful discussion this morning about lost loved ones and our beliefs about heaven and angels.  It was enlightening and now I am ready to tackle my unpacking... AGAIN!
     In two days I fly to Florida to stay with my daughter and her family!  This MiMi can't wait!!  Tomorrow, I get to have lunch with the wonderful mother of my little patient.  I can't wait to see her either!!  What a wonderful week I have in store for me!!  Yes... God is good!!
TaTa4Now

Missing my "Little Guy"

   This morning in the quietness of the early morning, I find myself missing my little patient.  Having spent over a year, 5 days per week and at least 7 hours a day caring for him... I miss him.   What do I miss?  His laugh, his smile... him trying SO hard to accomplish... I even miss that little orneriness he would show me.   I miss his family.  I miss my routine.
   What a day I had yesterday!  My husband has been unemployed for 6 months, he found a job AND it has great pay and benefits!!  That was in the morning.  Then, yesterday afternoon I received a call and was offered a job!  Being a believer in NEVER burning bridges, I kept in touch with a previous co-worker.  That connection brought me a job offer!  Wow!  God answered my prayers!  I know he's been answering them in ways that I just didn't understand before, but now I feel like we have been doubly blessed!  I hope now we are headed down the hill... coasting for a while instead of rock climbing to the top!  *I suck at rock climbing anyways*  I'm exhausted!
  Shout-out to my "little guy's" parents.  God be with you...
TaTa4Now

My Little Angel...

I find myself really missing you this morning.  Your big sister is going to have "M" any day now!  Yes... you will soon be an aunt again!  Momma is going to Florida to meet him and take care of "E" and "D."  The last time I went to Florida, you were with me my sweet angel...  not this time though.  It's kind of bittersweet... I'm SO excited to have yet another grandbaby... but so wish you were here to go with me :)  I hope you and "C" (my little patient that passed) are having a BLAST in heaven!!  Two of heaven's most beautiful angels...
TaTa4Now

What a Whirlwind of a Week!

Last week was a whirlwind!  I observed as my little patient was laid to rest.  Excitedly, I was able to meet his paternal grandparents and his maternal grandfather.  My heart aches for his parents and their families.  I keep in touch with his Mom.  As I stated to her, we are in a club that no-one wants to be in... but we are...  we are unwilling members... the loss of a child.  We understand the depths of our pain... the depths of our loss.  We will help each other through the loss.
Here is a quick run-down of my week last week:  Sunday, trip two hours away to see the house we might move into; Monday, patient's visitation and packing; Tuesday, patient's funeral services, didn't pack any.  Wednesday, paint all four rooms of the house we are moving into (yeah, it's that big), pack when get back home; Thursday, finish packing and move.  I have spent the past few days unpacking, organizing.  Yes, we have moved again.  Back to where we came from... a small town of approximately 3,000.  What a change!  Just like the move to the large metro area, this move was also unwanted by me, but wanted by my husband.  He remains unemployed since October.  I am making a job change, not sure which area I want to venture into next with my nursing.  We will see what God has in store.
TaTa4Now

His Final Journey

This evening is the visitation for my little patient.  I haven't seen him since I was with his family for the last few hours of his life.  I want to pay my respects to his family and tell the little angel my last goodbyes... but I am SO dreading it.  As I posted on facebook last night... life can sure throw some ugly curve balls.  RIP.
TaTa4Now

Dear God...

Dear God,
PLEASE STOP TAKING PEOPLE THAT I CARE ABOUT AWAY FROM ME!  Have you not taken enough? 
      I just spent the past several hours with a precious child and his loving family.  I have been blessed to have been this little guy's nurse for just over a year now.  Although it has been an emotionally difficult journey for me, I will forever treasure every moment that I spent with him.  This child was born into a family that loved him.  A family that took him to wonderful places on joy-filled vacations.  I just witnessed this family lose something that was most precious to them... their son.  Unfortunately, I know this most horrendous pain.  God?  Is this why you sent me there?  To help them through their difficult journey?  What's next for me professionally?  At this time, I do not want to provide direct care to children any more.  I have treasured the opportunities it has provided me... the opportunity to truly make a difference in one's life.  Tonite I feel... mission accomplished.  I think it is time to move on... time to find a new way to make a difference in someone's life... time to take a different path.  We will see.  God be with my little patient's family.  I am comforted, and a bit jealous, that he is in heaven with my Ashlie.  Running, playing, laughing, giggling... I will forever remember his beautiful smile and that big belly laugh.  God rest your soul.

God... Wherefore Art Thou?

     Wow... I haven't posted for two months.  During this past two months, I have become more and more angry... more and more frustrated.  My heart feels empty inside.   I "fake" my way through most days.  Yes world... everything is GREAT!  I am fine... all is well!  Guess what?  All isn't well with Cheryl.  She's tired of having things taken away.  I have suffered huge losses in the past 7 years.  I would like for God to let someone else have their turn.  Yes God... I'm mad at you.  Have you not tested my strength enough?  Have I not proven myself?  Yes... I can be devastated inside and still drag myself through the mud... I come out tattered and torn, never to be the same... but I make it through.  Subconsciously, I know God is there for me, but I feel SO alone.  Feel as if I have to tackle each and every hurdle alone... no one there to catch me when I fall or brush off the dirt when I skin my knees.  People talk and make it sound good... let me know if you need anything, but no follow-up to check and see how we are.  I realize that I am NOT a person who asks for help, for I feel that my problems are just that... my problems not yours.  But... does common sense not exist anymore?  Seriously... stop by, call, don't just offer to help, don't just tell others you will help or don't just tell others "let her know I am thinking of her or tell her I said "Hi!"  Actually make the effort to reach out, especially when you know that she STINKS at asking for help.  What can a person who is totally overwhelmed with her life situation need? A break!!  ESPECIALLY when you know every detail of every stressor.  Seriously... what do you do for others?  Do they ask you to do each and every thing that you do for them?  I seriously doubt that.  When do I hear from some?  When they NEED something.  Yes... I said... when THEY need something from me.  People amaze me.  Do they think that if they don't outwardly admit something, that it means that NO ONE SEES what they do?  Or that it doesn't hurt like HECK to watch what you do for others and leave me and my family out?!  Especially when we have been through so much, especially these past two years, and are still struggling... both emotionally, healthwise, and even financially.  HELLO!!  RED FLAG WARNING!!  HELP NEEDED!!  I'm SICK of pretending that it is ok... IT IS NOT OKAY AND IT HURTS... it hurts me deeply. Let's see... who is expected to support the family financially... ME.  Who is expected to keep the family running efficiently, keeping everyone's needs met... ME.  Who has stayed at a job that is very emotionally stressful in order to provide for her family... ME.  Who is expected to be strong... ME.  Get it?  I can't be the one to do it all 24/7.  I'm a human, I am not a machine.  Machines even break down.  They need maintenance.  Maintenance can only be performed when the machine is turned off.
     I must find a way to replace the emptiness in my heart.  I must find my way back to God.  I must find a way to put it all in His hands.  Please pray for me.
     Last night I received news that my little 6 year old patient (yes, he's the same age as my daughter was when she passed... and yes his care is quite similar to hers... and yes he has basically the same physical abilities, etc... hence one of my job's emotional stressors) was in the hospital and wasn't doing well at that time.  My heart aches for his parents... for I know the fear of the possible loss of a child and unfortunately I am acutely aware of the devastating heartache of the actual loss of a child.  I have no concerns for him... for I KNOW God will send the biggest, strongest angels to take him to Heaven... and he will be forever free, like Ashlie... free to run, free to play, free to talk.  I am scared for myself though, if he passes away.  Isn't THAT selfish?  I fear what ONE MORE LOSS might do to me emotionally.  I can tell you this though.  I am DONE with pediatrics.  It's time to move my nursing career in a different direction.  Or at least not do direct pediatric patient care.  
     My husband and I discussed the following last night, after receiving the call from my patient's family.  He was very, very near death... wasn't responding to CPR.  We were elated to think that he has probably already seen Ashlie.  Perhaps God has decided that Ashlie should be one of the angels to accompany him to heaven... should the time arrive.  Was this one of the reaons God brought me into his life?  I know that he has already met Ashlie.  Within the first 6 months of taking care of him, there were several times when he would look to the right... and bust out laughing.  He would continue to do this.  I would feel the warm, loving presence of my Ashlie.  When I would ask "Is Ashlie playing with you?"  His face would go expressionless... like... how did you know?  I could envision her playing with him... laughing... with her curls bouncing in the wind.  Telling him stories about "her CRAZY Mom and some of the same things she did to me when she was my nurse."
Thanks for listening... I GREATLY needed it.
TaTa4Now

1st Year Anniversary of Losing Miss Ashlie

I just want to scream!!  I'm SO tired of hurting.  It feels like my stomach is stuck in my throat.  My head is throbbing and I threw up my lunch.  Seriously, I just want to go outside and run around screaming my head off.  Thank God we have neighbors and I'm afraid they would call the cops on me... or the nut farm.  My feelings inside are so jumbled up.  I can't even really explain them.  Alas, I just don't know what to do today.  As I said last night, what DOES a person do on the first anniversary of their child's death?  I wish this day hadn't come.  It is such a terrible reality.  She really is gone... she's not coming back.  I can't even get a prayer out.  I get started and my mind just wonders.  I CAN'T STAND this feeling!!
TaTa4Now