Three Years Since We Buried Our Angel

Today's post is written in her favorite color, pink.  I cannot believe it's been 3 years since our little girl was laid to rest.  The day we buried you there was the most beautiful snow I had ever seen falling from the sky.  Today there is a beautiful snow already on the ground.  A part of me says "wow, it has been 3 long years."  Where another part of me says "how can it be 3 years!"  I know that for me, I am now a different person.  I have changed the way I view the world.  I have became stronger in some areas, weaker in others.  By stronger, I mean that in some ways I have found a strength that I didn't have before to stand-up for myself.  I have became tired of hurting and took life by the reins to change that.  A person can only be walked on for so long, and yes, I became more aware of my role in allowing people to take advantage of me.  By weaker, I mean that I, unfortunately, am horribly afraid that others in my life will pass away suddenly, unexpectedly.  It is something that haunts me.  I do not have the inner strength that I once had either, it has been weakened.  I remain unable to look at pictures of Ashlie.  I think I fear going back to the dark, pain-filled place I once was.  Believe me, I don't EVER, ever want to hurt that badly again.  The pain you feel after losing a child is indescribable.  I hope I never, ever have to feel that depth of pain again.  I do have to thank Ashlie for the joy that she brought to me.  She was a ray of sunshine.  I will forever remember attempting to "tame" those curls of hers each morning as we prepared for her school day.  Forever remember opening her backpack as soon as we got back inside from getting off of the school bus and then reviewing her papers... and that big smile as we talked about each one.  Forever remember those walks down the walking trail after school, just you and I, and you sleeping all the way back home.  Forever remember when it was too hot to walk on the trail, we would sit on the patio and talk about nature, and school, and...  I will just simply... FOREVER REMEMBER...
TaTa4Now

Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them do Unto You... Full Circle

Being a person who loves doing crafts, I am in a few crafting groups.  One of these group's administrators set-up a Santa's Elf project.  Any group member could put a name on the Elf List for the elves to send Christmas cheer.  Yesterday, I sent out my Christmas cheer to 15 people within the US, one to Ontario Canada, and one to England!  It was a wonderful feeling to get those mailed out and hope that the recipient is able to forget about their troubles at least for one brief moment.  Soon, my own mail would arrive at my home.  As I'm looking through my mail, I find an orange envelope from Shutterfly.  Hmm... I didn't order anything from Shutterfly.  Slowly, I open the envelope.  I find a white, drawstring tied bag.  Inside this bag is such an amazing gift!  It is a bracelet with a picture of my precious Ashlie!!  It is difficult to explain the feeling when I saw this.  My first thought was "now anytime I want to have my Ashlie near, all I have to do is wear this!  Who had such a giving spirit to send me such a thoughtful gift!!"  Now it's time to figure out who sent this wonderful gift to me.  I think I know already.  
Always be willing to give to help others.  That gift has a way of returning full circle. :)  God is good...
TaTa4Now

More Angelic Encounters

     Well blog... I have let you down.  It's nothing personal.  I have been stuffing down my feelings.  Stuffing them down... down... down.  Down to where I will never, ever hurt so deeply again.  As Dr. Phil would say... "How's that workin' for ya'?"  As you can guess, it isn't very effective.  Okay, it works for a while.  Why do I do this?  I know it is unhealthy, but I fear hurting so deeply again.  I don't want to go down to the depths of pain that I felt before.  I think I fear that I won't return from that painful place... that I will be stuck there forever. Well, the upcoming new year brought about a promise that I made to myself.  That promise?  To feel... to just simply feel.  Then decide how to act on those feelings.  Don't just sit there wondering if what I'm feeling is okay, good, bad, whatever.  What difference does it make "what" those feelings are... they are my feelings... mine.  I must chose what I want to do with them.
     #1  My granddaughter, "E", had some conversations with me that can only be sent from God.  She is now 4 1/2 years old.  She was extremely close to my Ashlie.  A few days ago she wanted to talk to me.  She lives in Florida, so we do a lot of talking on the phone and "seeing" each other via iPad/iPhone.  Let me remind you that when my Ashlie passed away, my daughter and her children were at my home visiting (thank God!).  In my grief of finding my youngest daughter deceased, I ran through the house calling out for my husband (he was at work, but I was delirious at the time.)  Unfortunately, my then 2 1/2 yr   old granddaughter heard me screaming and saw me crying.  She remembers to this day... it is something I regret her having to witness.  Anyways... she frequently asks me why I was crying for Ashlie.  My standard reply is that Ashlie died and went to heaven... and MiMi was sad because she misses her.  So... she asks me, "MiMi, why did you cry for Ashlie?"  I gave her my standard reply.  She then tells me, "MiMi, it's okay.  Ashlie's happy in heaven.  She's all better.  I made her better."  "Wow... oh my God"... was all I could say when I got off of the phone with her.  This touched me deeply.  Ashlie still wants us to know that she is okay. 
     #2  Yesterday, my granddaughter had wanted to call her MiMi.  Here is our conversation 
E: "MiMi, did you see Ashlie today?"  
Me: "no."  
E:"you didn't?  Why?"  
Me: "I don't know!"  
She later asks me, "MiMi are you gonna die?"  
Me: "some day, but not for a long, long, time."  
E: "Are you going to heaven?"  
Me: "yes"  
E:  "are you gonna be all better after you go to heaven?  And I will see you all better?" 
Me: "no, honey.  MiMi won't be all better, but she will be happy in heaven.  
I was afraid that maybe she was thinking that I would go to heaven and then come back, alive.  My oldest daughter was listening, as she always does with these types of conversations.  Ugghh...what was I thinking... Ashlie went to heaven and is now "all better."  So shall I be also!  My darling, little "E" is trying to figure it all out.  She knows Ashlie died and went to heaven... and she knows that now she "sees" Ashlie and she is "all better"... no wheelchair, able to speak, etc.  It must be so confusing in her young mind.    
My daughter has even overheard her playing Barbie's with Ashlie.  What a special bond they had.
TaTa4Now

Tickled with Glee

     Yesterday I got all of the boxes we had here unpacked and put away.  I was so excited!  Then... what does my husband do?  Bring home more stuff that I have to put away!  Geesh... we have downsized SO much... I don't know what I am going to do with some of it.  He failed to tell me just how much stuff was left to be moved!  Ugghh...
     My husband and I had a wonderful discussion this morning about lost loved ones and our beliefs about heaven and angels.  It was enlightening and now I am ready to tackle my unpacking... AGAIN!
     In two days I fly to Florida to stay with my daughter and her family!  This MiMi can't wait!!  Tomorrow, I get to have lunch with the wonderful mother of my little patient.  I can't wait to see her either!!  What a wonderful week I have in store for me!!  Yes... God is good!!
TaTa4Now

Missing my "Little Guy"

   This morning in the quietness of the early morning, I find myself missing my little patient.  Having spent over a year, 5 days per week and at least 7 hours a day caring for him... I miss him.   What do I miss?  His laugh, his smile... him trying SO hard to accomplish... I even miss that little orneriness he would show me.   I miss his family.  I miss my routine.
   What a day I had yesterday!  My husband has been unemployed for 6 months, he found a job AND it has great pay and benefits!!  That was in the morning.  Then, yesterday afternoon I received a call and was offered a job!  Being a believer in NEVER burning bridges, I kept in touch with a previous co-worker.  That connection brought me a job offer!  Wow!  God answered my prayers!  I know he's been answering them in ways that I just didn't understand before, but now I feel like we have been doubly blessed!  I hope now we are headed down the hill... coasting for a while instead of rock climbing to the top!  *I suck at rock climbing anyways*  I'm exhausted!
  Shout-out to my "little guy's" parents.  God be with you...
TaTa4Now

My Little Angel...

I find myself really missing you this morning.  Your big sister is going to have "M" any day now!  Yes... you will soon be an aunt again!  Momma is going to Florida to meet him and take care of "E" and "D."  The last time I went to Florida, you were with me my sweet angel...  not this time though.  It's kind of bittersweet... I'm SO excited to have yet another grandbaby... but so wish you were here to go with me :)  I hope you and "C" (my little patient that passed) are having a BLAST in heaven!!  Two of heaven's most beautiful angels...
TaTa4Now

What a Whirlwind of a Week!

Last week was a whirlwind!  I observed as my little patient was laid to rest.  Excitedly, I was able to meet his paternal grandparents and his maternal grandfather.  My heart aches for his parents and their families.  I keep in touch with his Mom.  As I stated to her, we are in a club that no-one wants to be in... but we are...  we are unwilling members... the loss of a child.  We understand the depths of our pain... the depths of our loss.  We will help each other through the loss.
Here is a quick run-down of my week last week:  Sunday, trip two hours away to see the house we might move into; Monday, patient's visitation and packing; Tuesday, patient's funeral services, didn't pack any.  Wednesday, paint all four rooms of the house we are moving into (yeah, it's that big), pack when get back home; Thursday, finish packing and move.  I have spent the past few days unpacking, organizing.  Yes, we have moved again.  Back to where we came from... a small town of approximately 3,000.  What a change!  Just like the move to the large metro area, this move was also unwanted by me, but wanted by my husband.  He remains unemployed since October.  I am making a job change, not sure which area I want to venture into next with my nursing.  We will see what God has in store.
TaTa4Now

Dear God...

Dear God,
PLEASE STOP TAKING PEOPLE THAT I CARE ABOUT AWAY FROM ME!  Have you not taken enough? 
      I just spent the past several hours with a precious child and his loving family.  I have been blessed to have been this little guy's nurse for just over a year now.  Although it has been an emotionally difficult journey for me, I will forever treasure every moment that I spent with him.  This child was born into a family that loved him.  A family that took him to wonderful places on joy-filled vacations.  I just witnessed this family lose something that was most precious to them... their son.  Unfortunately, I know this most horrendous pain.  God?  Is this why you sent me there?  To help them through their difficult journey?  What's next for me professionally?  At this time, I do not want to provide direct care to children any more.  I have treasured the opportunities it has provided me... the opportunity to truly make a difference in one's life.  Tonite I feel... mission accomplished.  I think it is time to move on... time to find a new way to make a difference in someone's life... time to take a different path.  We will see.  God be with my little patient's family.  I am comforted, and a bit jealous, that he is in heaven with my Ashlie.  Running, playing, laughing, giggling... I will forever remember his beautiful smile and that big belly laugh.  God rest your soul.

God... Wherefore Art Thou?

     Wow... I haven't posted for two months.  During this past two months, I have become more and more angry... more and more frustrated.  My heart feels empty inside.   I "fake" my way through most days.  Yes world... everything is GREAT!  I am fine... all is well!  Guess what?  All isn't well with Cheryl.  She's tired of having things taken away.  I have suffered huge losses in the past 7 years.  I would like for God to let someone else have their turn.  Yes God... I'm mad at you.  Have you not tested my strength enough?  Have I not proven myself?  Yes... I can be devastated inside and still drag myself through the mud... I come out tattered and torn, never to be the same... but I make it through.  Subconsciously, I know God is there for me, but I feel SO alone.  Feel as if I have to tackle each and every hurdle alone... no one there to catch me when I fall or brush off the dirt when I skin my knees.  People talk and make it sound good... let me know if you need anything, but no follow-up to check and see how we are.  I realize that I am NOT a person who asks for help, for I feel that my problems are just that... my problems not yours.  But... does common sense not exist anymore?  Seriously... stop by, call, don't just offer to help, don't just tell others you will help or don't just tell others "let her know I am thinking of her or tell her I said "Hi!"  Actually make the effort to reach out, especially when you know that she STINKS at asking for help.  What can a person who is totally overwhelmed with her life situation need? A break!!  ESPECIALLY when you know every detail of every stressor.  Seriously... what do you do for others?  Do they ask you to do each and every thing that you do for them?  I seriously doubt that.  When do I hear from some?  When they NEED something.  Yes... I said... when THEY need something from me.  People amaze me.  Do they think that if they don't outwardly admit something, that it means that NO ONE SEES what they do?  Or that it doesn't hurt like HECK to watch what you do for others and leave me and my family out?!  Especially when we have been through so much, especially these past two years, and are still struggling... both emotionally, healthwise, and even financially.  HELLO!!  RED FLAG WARNING!!  HELP NEEDED!!  I'm SICK of pretending that it is ok... IT IS NOT OKAY AND IT HURTS... it hurts me deeply. Let's see... who is expected to support the family financially... ME.  Who is expected to keep the family running efficiently, keeping everyone's needs met... ME.  Who has stayed at a job that is very emotionally stressful in order to provide for her family... ME.  Who is expected to be strong... ME.  Get it?  I can't be the one to do it all 24/7.  I'm a human, I am not a machine.  Machines even break down.  They need maintenance.  Maintenance can only be performed when the machine is turned off.
     I must find a way to replace the emptiness in my heart.  I must find my way back to God.  I must find a way to put it all in His hands.  Please pray for me.
     Last night I received news that my little 6 year old patient (yes, he's the same age as my daughter was when she passed... and yes his care is quite similar to hers... and yes he has basically the same physical abilities, etc... hence one of my job's emotional stressors) was in the hospital and wasn't doing well at that time.  My heart aches for his parents... for I know the fear of the possible loss of a child and unfortunately I am acutely aware of the devastating heartache of the actual loss of a child.  I have no concerns for him... for I KNOW God will send the biggest, strongest angels to take him to Heaven... and he will be forever free, like Ashlie... free to run, free to play, free to talk.  I am scared for myself though, if he passes away.  Isn't THAT selfish?  I fear what ONE MORE LOSS might do to me emotionally.  I can tell you this though.  I am DONE with pediatrics.  It's time to move my nursing career in a different direction.  Or at least not do direct pediatric patient care.  
     My husband and I discussed the following last night, after receiving the call from my patient's family.  He was very, very near death... wasn't responding to CPR.  We were elated to think that he has probably already seen Ashlie.  Perhaps God has decided that Ashlie should be one of the angels to accompany him to heaven... should the time arrive.  Was this one of the reaons God brought me into his life?  I know that he has already met Ashlie.  Within the first 6 months of taking care of him, there were several times when he would look to the right... and bust out laughing.  He would continue to do this.  I would feel the warm, loving presence of my Ashlie.  When I would ask "Is Ashlie playing with you?"  His face would go expressionless... like... how did you know?  I could envision her playing with him... laughing... with her curls bouncing in the wind.  Telling him stories about "her CRAZY Mom and some of the same things she did to me when she was my nurse."
Thanks for listening... I GREATLY needed it.
TaTa4Now

1st Year Anniversary of Losing Miss Ashlie

I just want to scream!!  I'm SO tired of hurting.  It feels like my stomach is stuck in my throat.  My head is throbbing and I threw up my lunch.  Seriously, I just want to go outside and run around screaming my head off.  Thank God we have neighbors and I'm afraid they would call the cops on me... or the nut farm.  My feelings inside are so jumbled up.  I can't even really explain them.  Alas, I just don't know what to do today.  As I said last night, what DOES a person do on the first anniversary of their child's death?  I wish this day hadn't come.  It is such a terrible reality.  She really is gone... she's not coming back.  I can't even get a prayer out.  I get started and my mind just wonders.  I CAN'T STAND this feeling!!
TaTa4Now

Made it Through Christmas... Then Guess What Happened?

Well, I made it though Christmas without Ashlie.  Early on Christmas morning I was really struggling.  I posted on the craft forum I frequent, www.smartbuygal.com/forum, asking for prayers.  The day went pretty well and I could feel the loving "hugs" from all of those who were praying for me.  We took a little Christmas tree down to Ashlie's grave.  My oldest son, his girlfriend, and her brother were able to go with us this time.  It was nice.  Later that evening, we would find our youngest son, who has health issues, laying on his bedroom floor unresponsive.  We rushed him to the hospital.  After a 3 day hospital stay and many, many tests, we still don't know what happened.  We did not see what precipitated the "episode."  They strongly suspect that he had a seizure.  He has had seizures in the past.  What makes this even more scary for us, is that we lost Ashlie to a seizure.  I have had some rough, emotional days these past couple of days.  I'm SO ready for a new year... one without so much pain.
TaTa4Now

Christmas Without an Angel

I don't even know where to begin... Christmas hasn't been the same for me since I lost my parents... that was 6-7 years ago.  Now I have yet one more loved one missing... Ashlie.  How is a person supposed to get through these times without some of the people we love the most?  How will the day be spent?  Well, I'm expected to be please others and be with them on this day.  My husband does not support me staying home where I can at least be in a peaceful place... I am expected to sit and pretend that everything is okay with the world... smile when I'm expected to... act appropriately.  When the truth is... inside I am broken... shattered into a million pieces... never to be "put back together" in the same way.  These losses have changed me.  Yes... I know...  I have SO much to be thankful for... you're a strong person...   I've heard it all.  But guess what?  The pain of such deep losses remains... sometimes it overtakes a person and quite frankly I'm am tired of pretending that everything is okay... because it isn't okay.  I lost my Dad, my Mom, and my child... all three much too early.  I mourn their loss... I miss them...  They were three people who loved me no matter what... loved me for who I was... accepted me for who I am.  Three people who's faces lit up when I walked into a room...  I miss that.  I miss my Dad placing his hand on my cheek, looking me in the straight in the eye and calling me "sweet"...  and meaning it with all of his heart and soul.  I miss my Mom hurriedly making Christmas dinner, making sure each and every person had their favorites... no matter how many dishes she had to make.  I miss going shopping with her... again, her making sure everyone had what they wanted for Christmas... and her getting me a little something each time we went... and of course, eating at Wendy's on our way home... or getting a shake at Dairy Queen.  I miss Ashlie's big smile each and every time she saw me... or when I talked to her... her crooked little smile.  I find myself these past few months looking for acceptance... just simply acceptance.  Acceptance for who I am... for I am just simply me... me... a person with feelings... a person who differs from you.  My parents didn't agree with everything I did or everything I said.  Truly, who would want your parents to do that anyways?  Their role was to guide me in life, which they did well.  I always knew when I walked into my parents home, that they loved me... no matter what.  Oh how I miss that...  Well, at least all three of them are in a better place.  They don't have to want for anything, nor hurt because of others actions.  Heaven is a wonderful place to be... no more pain... no more tears...      God... I will need your strength today... world?... I could use your prayers.
TaTa4Now

Let it Snow!!

We are under a winter weather advisory this morning.  The snow will forever hold a special meaning to me...  I treasure it now.  God decided that we should be blessed with a beautiful snow the day we buried Miss Ashlie.  The snowflakes were huge and fell gracefully to the ground... the releasing of the soft pink and white balloons at the end of her service.  Every time it snows, I think of Ashlie and remember the purity of the white snow... the purity and innocence of a child... taken too soon.

Are You Kidding Me??!!

What a terribly painful day yesterday.  Started off my day picking out a Christmas tree and its decorations for my daughter's grave... not a painfree, easy thing to do.  Next, I attended my young niece's birthday party... another extremely hard thing to do as I can no longer enjoy my own daughter's birthdays.  As if that wasn't enough pain for the day, one of my family member's says something completely unnecessary and uncalled for.  Seriously?  What is it that makes people feel as if they have the right to say whatever they want to someone and then to top it all off, be upset that a person reacts when you say tacky things to them!  Seriously?  Do you think you have the right to be rude, expect someone to not respond to your tacky comment, then play the wounded bird?  Seriously???!!!  I will never understand... never, ever, ever.  Where is God in your life?  He gives you peace in your heart.  I know I prayed and will continue to pray for myself and others... and yes... even for you... as I often do.  Love and miss you my sweet Ash...
TaTa4Now

Happy 7th Birthday my Sweet Angel!!

My beautiful angel... happy birthday!!  I so vividly remember the first birthday that I was able to spend with you... your 5th birthday! We bought you a princess tiara and a hot pink boa!!  You looked so cute!!  It was just barely over a month since you had came to live with us.  Hard to believe that it's your 7th birthday and you are gone...  unimaginable.  I never thought we would lose you so soon.  We should be having a birthday party for you today... instead we are grieving your loss... missing you.  Fly high today my angel...
TaTa4Now

Happy Fall Y'all

WOW!  It's already fall!  I remember taking "Miss Ashlie" outside and going for walks around her block.  Leaves all along the sidewalks as we went.  I would purposely make lots of noise kicking and crunching the leaves.  Stopping frequently to pick up different colored leaves and showing you... placing some of them in your hands and crunching them... I would see that tiny, little smile that I first began seeing on your face.  Oh how I treasured those first few smiles that I saw.  I would go home and say "Ashlie smiled today!"  Wow.  You went from tiny, little smiles once about every two weeks, to BIG, BEAUTIFUL smiles frequently.  Momma misses those smiles...
TaTa4Now

Precious Moment Yesterday

Just a quick reminder, I am a registered nurse and have a 5 year-old patient that I spend 7 hours per day with caring for him in his home.  He is non-verbal.  His parents have housekeepers that are from Brazil and speak minimal english.  My little guy was in his wheelchair and it was just about time for school.  As one of the housekeepers went about her work cleaning various items, he would just bust out laughing with a big belly laugh.  I turned his wheelchair around so that he could see her and watch her.  She would hear him and come over and talk to him.  They did this together over and over again, she just couldn't help herself and kept coming over to talk with him.  They both shared the same handicap, he is unable to speak, and she spoke a different language.  But, they understood each other.  It was absolutely precious to witness.  God is good.
TaTa4Now

Is my Denial finally decreasing?

Well, it's been just over 8 months since Miss Ashlie passed.  I think I have finally stopped "shoving down" my denial of her death.  The true reality is sinking in.  As embarassing as it is, I can no longer, albeit unknowingly, pretend that she "never existed..." or that "it's all okay."  I am allowing myself to grieve... to feel.  Yesterday was my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary, what a wonderful milestone to achieve.  My mother-in-law had designed a beautiful slide show showcasing their lives over the past 50 years.  Inadvertently, she chose a song for some of the pictures that we had chosen to play at Ashlie's funeral services.  Man oh man... that hit me hard.  I probably cried one of the hardest cries that I have cried since she passed away.  In an odd way, it felt good.  Felt good to not "stuff down" my feelings, not that I could have stopped them this time.  Believe me I did try, just couldn't do it that day, that time.  Those rough periods like that take a lot out of me.  I'm exhausted today.  But able to enjoy my memories of her.  We also went to her gravesite as we were in the town where she was buried.  I do wish we could have buried her closer to us, but you do what you have to do in those circumstances.  Thank you God for my strength.  Thank you even more for bringing Ashlie into my life.
TaTa4Now

My Li'l Darlin'

My Darling Angel,
     Your Momma misses you!  I miss your smile when you woke-up in the morning.  I miss wrapping those curls around my finger.  I took those small things for granted.  I thought they would be there for many more years.  What do you think of heaven?  We had such a beautiful day the other day, the sunshine was amazing.  I couldn't help but think of what you see in heaven.  We have such a beautiful earth...  colorful flowers, green grass, snow-capped mountains.  How glorious it must be for you!  You keep on running and playing up there... with those curls bounce, bounce, bouncing in the wind.  I would love to hear you giggle as you run among the flowers, watch your face as you stop to pet the bunny, gaze as the sunshine bounces off of your hair.  You are so very loved... and so dearly missed.  Momma struggles with what she should do in your honor.  I had made such big plans, and had began the process of raising money so that we could put a wheelchair lift in "Betty", the van.  Just thinking about the crafts that I was making and selling for your lift makes me sick to my stomach now.  I want to get started making crafts again, but I SO much associate making them with my precious girl.  My emotions are torn as to what I should do.  Yet another decision God will have to help me with.  But first, I must put it in His hands.
     My heart also aches for my cousin.  He recently lost a child while serving in the military, fighting for our freedom.  God be with them.  We know his son is in heaven... heaven has received yet another guardian angel.
TaTa4Now

Trying to Get Back on Track

Trying to get back on track from the six month smacked-in-the-face, knocked-me-off-my-feet anniversary of Ashlie's passing.  Man... that hit me hard... caught me WAY off guard.  Those really rough times are such an emotional setback... seems like it takes me a while to recuperate.  I'll think I'm... well, I don't know what it would be called... I guess it would just be getting on in a life that doesn't have Ashlie in it.  Then you have these horribly difficult times that are big hurdles to make it over.  But I guess I make it over!  Something that can make those times even more difficult is when someone discounts your feelings.  Too often, others can say things about how you might react to something that seems little or trivial to them,and this can hurt very deeply.  If a grieving person feels strongly about needing to do something, or see something, don't discount that persons need.  Don't be selfish and not want someone to do something that fills a need for them.  What I'm trying to say is this... if your loved one has a need to talk to a person that was involved in the death of a loved one, perhaps by their job choice (they were just doing their job.)  Don't stop them from talking to them.  Especially when your loved one has expressed needing to do it for several months and the opportunity presents itself.  For your loved one it feels like yet another loss... another lost opportunity.
Thanks to my mother-in-law and sister-in-law for helping set up a little memorial area in our home to memorialize Ashlie.  My husband and I had felt that a little area memorializing her would be nice to have.  I had been picking up a few things, and had some ideas, but just needed help pulling it together.
TaTa4Now