Are You Kidding Me??!!

What a terribly painful day yesterday.  Started off my day picking out a Christmas tree and its decorations for my daughter's grave... not a painfree, easy thing to do.  Next, I attended my young niece's birthday party... another extremely hard thing to do as I can no longer enjoy my own daughter's birthdays.  As if that wasn't enough pain for the day, one of my family member's says something completely unnecessary and uncalled for.  Seriously?  What is it that makes people feel as if they have the right to say whatever they want to someone and then to top it all off, be upset that a person reacts when you say tacky things to them!  Seriously?  Do you think you have the right to be rude, expect someone to not respond to your tacky comment, then play the wounded bird?  Seriously???!!!  I will never understand... never, ever, ever.  Where is God in your life?  He gives you peace in your heart.  I know I prayed and will continue to pray for myself and others... and yes... even for you... as I often do.  Love and miss you my sweet Ash...
TaTa4Now

Precious Moment Yesterday

Just a quick reminder, I am a registered nurse and have a 5 year-old patient that I spend 7 hours per day with caring for him in his home.  He is non-verbal.  His parents have housekeepers that are from Brazil and speak minimal english.  My little guy was in his wheelchair and it was just about time for school.  As one of the housekeepers went about her work cleaning various items, he would just bust out laughing with a big belly laugh.  I turned his wheelchair around so that he could see her and watch her.  She would hear him and come over and talk to him.  They did this together over and over again, she just couldn't help herself and kept coming over to talk with him.  They both shared the same handicap, he is unable to speak, and she spoke a different language.  But, they understood each other.  It was absolutely precious to witness.  God is good.
TaTa4Now

Reached a Milestone Today

Yay!!  I was able to create some crafts today!  No longer was I held captive by my pain!  For the first time since Ashlie passed away, I was able to make some of the craft items that I had been making and selling to raise funds for a wheelchair lift for our vehicle for Ashlie.  I can not explain the feeling of the "lightening" of my heart.  It is a wonderful feeling.  Thank you God for giving me the strength to once again enjoy one of my favorite past-times.  No longer will this area of my lift be held hostage by the pain of the loss of my Ashlie.  Which hurdle is next?
TaTa4Now

My Li'l Darlin'

My Darling Angel,
     Your Momma misses you!  I miss your smile when you woke-up in the morning.  I miss wrapping those curls around my finger.  I took those small things for granted.  I thought they would be there for many more years.  What do you think of heaven?  We had such a beautiful day the other day, the sunshine was amazing.  I couldn't help but think of what you see in heaven.  We have such a beautiful earth...  colorful flowers, green grass, snow-capped mountains.  How glorious it must be for you!  You keep on running and playing up there... with those curls bounce, bounce, bouncing in the wind.  I would love to hear you giggle as you run among the flowers, watch your face as you stop to pet the bunny, gaze as the sunshine bounces off of your hair.  You are so very loved... and so dearly missed.  Momma struggles with what she should do in your honor.  I had made such big plans, and had began the process of raising money so that we could put a wheelchair lift in "Betty", the van.  Just thinking about the crafts that I was making and selling for your lift makes me sick to my stomach now.  I want to get started making crafts again, but I SO much associate making them with my precious girl.  My emotions are torn as to what I should do.  Yet another decision God will have to help me with.  But first, I must put it in His hands.
     My heart also aches for my cousin.  He recently lost a child while serving in the military, fighting for our freedom.  God be with them.  We know his son is in heaven... heaven has received yet another guardian angel.
TaTa4Now

Is it Friday Yet?

Had a very rough day today.  Missed Ashlie SO much.  Between trying to "cram" down that pain, "cram" down the difficulty of caring for a patient that is so much like her, and "cramming" down other life stressors, I thought I was gonna go crazy today.  I'm so tired of trying to "hold" every thing together.  Tired of pretending that everything is okay.  Because, dangit... everything ISN'T okay!  I wanted to scream, wanted to cry, wanted to scream, scream again, and scream some more!  What probably kept me from screaming was knowing that it would scare my little patient.  I felt like a little child who needed to pee!  I kept squirming where I was sitting, getting up and down, pacing the floor.  It sucked... and I can truly say that in my 45 years I have NEVER felt that way.  No... not me... I'm always in control... I MUST remain in control... I am EXPECTED to BE in control.  Ugghh...  I'm worn out.  Anyone else want to "take over the wheel" for me?  I want to ride in the passenger seat... I'll let someone else drive.  Okay... I'm waiting... I'm sitting in the passenger seat...  the car isn't moving.  Darn... that means I'm back in the driver's seat again in the morning.  So... for tonite.  I'm going to pretend that I'm okay with driving.  Pretend... yes... pretend.  I'm finding out that I'm not quite as good at pretending as I thought.  I really need to rely on God.  I'm not even able to rely on God as I should.  I continue to believe that I created the situation, therefore I must fix it myself.  It is my responsibility.  Ugghh... my head hurts.  I'm gonna go lay in bed and watch TV.
p.s.  Today is my granddaughter's 3rd birthday!  She will be at MiMi's house next week!!  I can't wait to see my daughter and her family!  MiMi is having a birthday party for "E" too!  They will be here for a week!!!  I can't wait!!
TaTa4Now

A Rough Mother's Day

Mother's Day was terribly difficult this year.  I've had some difficult Mother's Days since I lost my Mom, but this year was the worst ever.  Not only did I miss my Mom, I felt empty inside knowing that Ashlie wasn't here with me.  Church was even difficult.  But, as I far too often do, I forced my feelings down and made it through.  Just like I did while attending a family obligation.  Words cannot express how difficult it was to watch someone else enjoy their children when you have one in heaven that you can't enjoy.  Thankfully I still have other children that I can enjoy.  Better yet, I have grandbabies!
I have to vent about one thing though.  Mother's Day being so difficult, of course I got a migraine.  Still had it Monday morning so I called in sick to work.  For those of you who don't know, I am a nurse that goes into my patient's home and cares for him 7 hours a day.  This was the first time in 3 years that I called into work.  Guess what??!!  My employer didn't call my patient's family and tell them that I had called in sick!  Yeah... really.  They didn't even let my family know.  I was flabbergasted (not sure about spelling)!  Unbelievable...
TaTa4Now

Another Angel Story?

I am chatting with my oldest daughter on facebook right now.  This is the conversation she overheard her daughter, 2 1/2 years old, "E", who was VERY close to Ashlie, saying:  "Hi Ashee(her word for Ashlie), see frog?"  "E" had put another chair next to hers and kept talking away about school in heaven and she go in airplane with daddy, her daddy serves our country in airplanes, to go to sky to heaven.  Within a few more minutes, "E" told Ashee "she is so excited, she going to Mimi's, my house, in a couple days," which she is coming to visit next weekend.  Then she asked her momma "where Ashee go?"  To which my daugher replied, "she went back to heaven. "  "E" then said "yeah, she went back to heaven on the school bus."  The innocence of children.  Thank you God.
TaTa4Now

What A Roller Coaster Kind of Day

Today started off as one of the best days that I have had since Ashlie passed away.  I found myself smiling and even feeling lighthearted.  The sermon at church was a good one.  It was about how Satan tries to keep us from God, many good reminders to hear.  Previously, I have mentioned that we are moving.  Well, the time is here and we will be moving this Friday!  But it is quite bittersweet.  I am excited to be moving to a larger home and also relieved to be leaving behind the home that we shared with Ashlie, because it just isn't the same without her... a new beginning for all of us.  This afternoon I again worked on packing.  This time though, I had help from my mother-in-law.  It was much welcomed.  Then came the hard time... time to pack up Ashlie's belongings.  I had asked my sister-in-law at church if she could do it for me.  I feel SO guilty asking someone else to do something so difficult;  I am very aware that it will be hard for her, too.  I can not explain nor even really describe the emptiness that I feel inside.  We placed our daughter in a box, her casket, and now we have placed all of her belongings in boxes... all we have left are boxes.  It just doesn't seem fair.  Why did she have to leave us so early?  There aren't words to properly thank my sister-in-law and mother-in-law for packing up all of her things.  I'm just not sure if I could have done it.  My heart remains heavy tonite.  She was such an angel... she is terribly missed.
TaTa4Now

Two Stories to Share and Started Packing Today

We have been fortunate enough to find a new home!  And, to top it off, we will be saving almost $300 per month!!  What a blessing!  We will be leaving behind the pain of living where Ashlie used to be... NOT!  Sounds good on paper, but... the pain will NEVER be gone, but it will be helped immensely by not having to look at her closed door... with the pink from her hot pink curtains peeking out from under it.  I am greatly anticipating the move, for it is also larger than where we live now.  I am sure though, that I will have to rely on someone else to pack up her belongings.  That is something I KNOW I will not be able to do.  My sister-in-laws unpacked her things when we moved to where we are now.  It will be extremely difficult for anyone to pack up her stuff.  I don't know if I will even be able to be home when it is done.  My daughter's belongings... in boxes... never to be unpacked?  I have no idea what we will do with them.  God will need to direct my path with that one.
I made it through my first week with my new patient.  You could not ask for a more wonderful family than this precious child has.  Just another reminder that God knows exactly what he is doing.  I continue to struggle with being there though.  He is SO much like my Ashlie... it has been very, very difficult.  I will continue to pray... asking for God's guidance... anticipating a call from the hospice provider that I applied at.  Then we will see where God takes me next.
I want to share this story with you.  Where my patient lives, they received about 3 inches of snow... one of those wet snows that looks BEAUTIFUL on the trees.  Early in the morning, about 50... Yes, 50!  robins were in a tree and the bushes in his front yard... busily hopping about eating the berries off of the bushes.  I picked him up and carried him to the window, he is unable to walk.  As we stood on the landing of the stairway to the basement... which put as at the perfect eye level of their front porch, he could see the birds as they flew around... hopped around...  tree, bush... tree, bush... he smiled as he saw them.  Then guess what happened next?...  one flew right up near the window!  It chose to sit on the arm of one of the chairs on the porch... and my patient SAW IT!  What a big, happy smile he had on  his face.  The curious little robin sat there looking at us, cocking its head back and forth... watching us... watch it.  It was truly moving... made me think of my Ash and I caught myself saying "Hi Ashlie!" and telling my patient "look Henry (not his name), God sent a birdie to tell us Hi!"
Oh yes... and another story to share.  My daughter was telling me that "E", my granddaughter, had been telling her about how she had been playing with Ashee, her pronunciation of Ashlie.  Ashee has been playing in Heaven with Libby or Lippy, her dog.  She has been having fun!  My daughter then tells me, "I don't know what she is talking about, but she wanted me to know Ashlie was having fun."  Well, guess what?  My most cherished childhood dog's name was Tippy!!  All I can say is "Wow."  Enough said.
TaTa4Now

Choices to make and Seeing Angels?

Well... I know, I say "well" all the time...  I received a phone call today for an interview as a hospice nurse!  WOW!!  was I excited!  I jumped up and down like a kid in a candy store.  I did A LOT of praying yesterday, asking God for his guidance and for help to show me his plan for me.  He sure did!  Then just a couple of hours later, I received a phone call from my current employer, with whom I have been waiting for ANY hours from, letting me know that I will start with my new patient this coming Monday!  Wow... I couldn't believe it!  My plans are to go ahead with my interview though, it is Thursday at 1:00 PM.  I tend to really trust my "gut."  I feel like I am being "pulled" in the direction of providing hospice care.  But, I will continue to pray, asking God again for his guidance.  Love to all!!
p.s.  I almost forgot to share... tomorrow we are going to go house hunting!  I'm excited, but yet I dread it too.  Supposed to be wonderful weather!!  Wish me luck!
I also wanted to share a quick, little story.  Tonite my granddaughter, she's 2 and was very close to Ashlie, was telling MiMi (me) that "Ashie (her pronunciation) is in heaven."  MiMi "yes she is!"  Granddaughter "the boy is coming."  MiMi "He is?"  "Yes, MiMi, he is."  I then asked if "he was a big boy or a little boy?"  To which she replied "umm... a little boy.  He is here now and Ashie is having fun!"
TaTa4Now

Just Another Day In...

I certainly can't say its "Just Another Day in Paradise" because it wasn't.  Unfortunately, I couldn't even really hear or enjoy the sermon in church today.  There are just so many things running through my mind that I can't even concentrate, it doesn't help that I didn't get much sleep last night.  All these random thoughts just continuously run through my head... nothing in particular really, just a jumbled mess.  Yet again, I don't have any hours for my patient.  Evidently the state hasn't approved them yet.  Of course, I don't really know what's going on, my employer hasn't bothered to call me and let me know.  Also, I have also stated three different times that I NEED hours!  They were supposedly going to "find" me some.  How frustrating!  Its just such horrible timing. 
Last nite and today I delivered my Valentine deliveries.  My youngest sister-in-law had us over for dinner.  I am not able to mail lollipop bouquets, so I was only able to share them with the one's that live close by.  I would have LOVED to have made them for my grandbabies, but there is just NO way to mail them and keep them intact.  Valentine's Day will be hard without Ashlie, but I will just have to try hard to focus on what I do have for I know that I am quite blessed.
I'm SO angry at myself.  It was absolutely beautiful outside today.  We have been SO cold here lately and have had quite a bit of snow.  There is a beautiful walking trail nearby and I wanted to go walking on it so badly.  But I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I enjoyed taking Ashlie on it.  She has always loved the wind in her hair.  I would put a visor on her to keep the sun out of her eyes and off we would go.  I know she would want me to go enjoy the trail again.  But I just didn't have the strength to tackle it today.  There will be another nice day... soon I hope.
TaTa4Now

One Month Today

Today marks one month since Ashlie passed.  I passed my time this morning before church like I often due, hiding behind my laptop.  Our church service was amazing this morning.  Again, I lit a candle for Ashlie, but today I actually lit one for myself... and it felt good.  When we got back home, my husband and I discussed how we were each affected by church today and just reflected back on this past month.  It was nice.  Then it was time to get my Super Bowl dip made, as my youngest son requested.  Dip... check, chips... check, sweet tea... check, nap... on my way!  Thank you God for reaching me today.  You always know what we need.
TaTa4Now

What A Blessing

I'm SO proud of myself!!  I made it to church today!  I am SO thankful that I did, God has definately lifted some of the burden off of my heart.  We lit a candle in Ashlie's honor after church services.  Then my sister-in-law and brother-in-law took us out to eat breakfast.  What a perfect morning!  Words cannot express how much lighter my heart feels.  Thank you God.

Trying to return to some form of "normal"

     Today was my worst day so far.  I thought I had felt empty before, but the emptiness I felt today was indescribable.  I felt it in the top of my head and all the way down to the tips of my toes.  That nauseating, knawing feeling... feeling as if someone or something hit you HARD in your stomach. 
     Sometimes the reality of life hurts... and it hurts real bad.  Others around you are able to go on about their "normal" lives and we just can't.  Sometimes I even wonder how I made it through the day, for I have no memory of it 
I find myself wondering when I am in public, "how am I supposed to act in public?  Should I look somber, distraught?  What happens if I smile?  Will people think "how can she smile?  Didn't she just bury her child?!" 
     Today my husband, our youngest son, and I went to a movie, "True Grit."  Was a good movie by the way, you should check it out.  But, our youngest son is 17, and he was NOT impressed.  Anyways... it was a much needed and nice distraction from our grief.  Prior to the movie, my husband and I had a heartfelt and also much needed discussion about our grief.  Sharing things we had each forgotten, sharing things we had not yet shared.  It was wonderful. 
     Tomorrow, I will attempt to go to church.  It doesn't bother me much to cry in front of my extended family, but crying in front of strangers just isn't something I like to do.  I am a very private person.  Although I know that I need church, I just haven't been able to go.  I decided that if I am unable to stay in the chapel, I can just quietly go to the prayer room and wait for my family there. 
     I have been reading a few books about grief and/or heaven.  I will share these titles at another time.  My anger has subsided some from yesterday.  I still remain frustrated though.
     The highlight of my day was my oldest son sending me pics and a video of paint horses, something I treasure.  It was nice to know that he was thinking of his Mom while he was out hunting.
TaTa4Now