One Month Today

Today marks one month since Ashlie passed.  I passed my time this morning before church like I often due, hiding behind my laptop.  Our church service was amazing this morning.  Again, I lit a candle for Ashlie, but today I actually lit one for myself... and it felt good.  When we got back home, my husband and I discussed how we were each affected by church today and just reflected back on this past month.  It was nice.  Then it was time to get my Super Bowl dip made, as my youngest son requested.  Dip... check, chips... check, sweet tea... check, nap... on my way!  Thank you God for reaching me today.  You always know what we need.
TaTa4Now

Reflecting

This morning I am reflecting back to the morning that Ashlie passed.  My husband was already at work.  Approximately 6 AM.  I awaken.  If we didn't have a nurse overnite, one of us was always in her room with her at night.  We slept in a recliner.  Another God given moment worth noting.  We normally would have had a nurse with Ashlie on that night.  But my employer had called and asked if I could accompany a non-English speaking family to doctors appointments on that day.  So I had asked Ashlie's nurse if she could work the day shift the next day, instead of nights.  Moving on... next I do my usual routine, go start my coffee, get prepared for Ashlie's 6 AM feeding.  She had a feeding tube and was fed with a pump.  As I approach her, I notice her coloring is off.  I touch her arm, it is too cold.  I say her name, shake her... nothing.  Shake her again... nothing.  Running through my mind is this... Cheryl, you can't scream.  You have to be the strong one.  I begin softly "No, no, no."  Then the horror sinks in.  I begin screaming  "NO!  NO!  NO!"  A scream like I've never heard before, a sound like I've never heard before.  This plays over and over in my head like a tape recorder on a regular basis.  I begin looking for my husband.  I can't find him!  If I just find him, he will tell me this is all just a horrible, horrible dream.  He will awaken me.  By this time, I am running through the house screaming "Where's "his name".  Where's "his name"!!!!!"  My oldest daughter says in such a sweet, soft voice "Mom, I think he's at work.  What's wrong?"  To which I scream "Ashlie's dead!!  Ashlie's dead and I can't find "my husband!!"  By now I have the entire house awake.  I thank God my oldest daughter was here visiting from Florida.  She called my husband to tell him.  He unfortunately had to drive home after receiving this devastating news.  I had called 911.  The paramedics and police were here.  The police presence was comforting but yet a stark reality that something was wrong.  Then I look up... and see my youngest sister-in-law.  I can not tell you how much that meant to me.  Before I know it, there is my oldest sister-in-law.  With me... beside me... in a time that I have never needed them more.  Then my husband arrives.  I was afraid he would be mad at me.  Mad because I did not use my nursing skills to save our daughter.  I was the one who had let her die.  But no.  He wasn't mad at me.  He thanked me for bringing her into our lives.  Told me how wonderful I was to her and for her.  Our work is done with the police department and they arrive to take her away.  They placed our baby on a gurney, covered her with a velvety, burgandy colored cloth and covered it with a red rose.  My in-laws arrive within a few hours, travelling from out of town.  Next, it was time to bury her.  Of course, my husband's family was at my side.  My sisters-in-law offer to go get some dresses and then let me pick from them.  I remember a picture that I had found on the internet one day while looking for angels to put on Ashlie's wall beside her bed.  I had printed it out.  I showed them.  It was an angel child sitting on a white pedestal, surrounded by colorful flowers, wearing a flowing white dress.  I told them I would love for Ashlie to look just like that angel.  They return with two absolutely beautiful dresses.  As soon as they walked into the store, they saw them.  And guess what brand they were?  Cinderella.  They were able to find white, which we feared might be impossible in the winter, but alas they found them in the first store they visited.  God sent I am positive of.  The dress I chose was white with white rosettes up near her face.  When in her wheelchair, her chin support always covered up the shirt she was wearing.  Since she was free of her wheelchair now, I wanted to accent her beautiful face.  Ashlie had beautiful, spiral curls.  They also got some shiny, black shoes; lacy, white socks.  And guess what they also thought of that I hadn't?  Pretty white panties... for she was free to wear them now too.  Our angel looked just like an angel... as she deserved.  The funeral home had done just as I asked.  When they called to inform us that they now had her, I had asked them to please make her look like the angel that she was.  They did this for us.  What a gift.  My mother-in-law chose a silver necklace for her to wear.  We chose a silver bracelet.  We also requested that her fingernails be painted a soft pink.  Normally I kept her fingernails trimmed quite short, and often painted them.  They had grown out quite a bit, they grew fast.  I was glad because they looked beautiful.  We also chose a white, metal casket with a soft pink lining.  The outside had silver, antigued designs in the handles.  It also had an angel embroidered in the top liner.  Her Disney princess pillow, given to her by her sister, was left with her.  She often stared at Cinderella.  We told her that beautiful princess was her.  Sheepy, given to her by me after a hospital stay when I was her nurse, also was with her.  Sheepy, who had a baby lamb attached to her, was always in her wheelchair supporting her right arm.  Sheepy went everywhere her wheelchair went.  Picking out the music was something I could not have done without my oldest daughter.  She is the music and internet guru.  The night of visitation, I sat at the kitchen table with my granddaughter and my laptop listening to the music that I had chosen, singing along with them.  My granddaughter is only two, but she sang some of them with me.  There is NO way she could have known those words, but she did.  Yes... God was at work again.  We strumbled through her services.  We were blessed to hear the stories that people were able to share with us about Ashlie.  Yes... she had touched many hearts, not just ours.  Everyone has now paid their respects.  It is our turn to say goodbye.  Goodbye for the last time to her earthly body.  Our funeral director suggested, if we wished, that we could close the casket.  That is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Ashlie made it snow... and has continued to make it snow, getting the children out of school.  The snow on the day of her services was BEAUTIFUL.  Big, beautiful, slowly falling snow... falling gracefully to the earth.  I had thought that it would be nice to release balloons after her services... pastel pink and white.  My hope was that everyone far and wide could see them.  Again, the funeral home granted that wish too.  They even had Boost put in them so that they would go higher... further...  As we released them in that beautiful snow, they stayed together... perfectly.  It was mesmerizing. 
TaTa4Now

Wacky Wednesday?

My dog, Patch, had a BAD seizure yesterday.  If I haven't previously mentioned, the doctor that performed Ashlie's autopsy stated that she passed from a "fatal seizure."  So, as you can imagine, I was absolutely petrified while Patch's was happening.  It wasn't his first.  I truly expected him to just simply die.  As it was happening, I tried to comfort myself by thinking that at least I will be holding him when he passes.  It is odd just how many aspects of our life are affected by our loss.  I find myself often just sitting... waiting... for my next loved one to pass.  Weird...  I know.  Then, I find myself wondering... how can I survive yet another loss?  My Dad, expectedly... my Mom, unexpectedly, but a part of you knows eventually you will bury your parents... then my daughter, unexpectedly.  My youngest son also has health issues, he was born 12 weeks premature in 1993.  There is a strong possibility that we will bury him too.  Perhaps that is why I find myself just waiting... waiting for the next loss to come.  I know that I need to rely on my faith, but that also is something I struggle with on some days.  I am anxiously awaiting church on Sunday again.
TaTa4Now

Ashamed...

I am ashamed to admit what I am about to write.  But... the intention of sharing this journey is two-fold.  A way for me to express my feelings and to share those feelings with others in the hope that they also can benefit from them.  So... here I go.  Tonite I am finding myself a bit angry with Ashlie.  I know... how on Earth can I be angry with her?  I have no answer to that question.  Perhaps I am being selfish and just want her here with me.  So therefore I am angry with her for not being here?  I don't know...  Although the reality of the fact that she is gone is settling in more and more, there is still that part of me that thinks it is STILL just a dream. 
Today we have had a blizzard, it hasn't ended yet either.  Yes, a true blizzard.  I'm not sure how much snow we have yet, but I read that it was 11 inches a few hours ago.  I've never quite seen snow like I watched today... blowing, horizontally... very limited visibility.  I was fascinated by it... knowing that our little angel had done it again.  Just like the day we laid her to rest...  Momma misses you dearly Angel...
TaTa4Now

WOO HOO!!

I did it... I did it... I DID IT!!  I made it through meeting my new patient!!  He's actually 5 years old and a lot like my Ashlie.  He has a big, beautiful smile too!!  I was quite anxious on my way to meet him.  But as soon as I saw him, I knew I would be okay.  I did just fine!  Thankfully, I will be able to continue to be a nurse to just my one patient... with the opportunity to truly make a difference in a person's life, which is why I went into nursing to begin with.  Thank you God!!
Ash... you little stinker you're at it again!  Only we are getting a blizzard this time... and I'm not exaggerating!  They are predicting a blizzard!!  We are under a blizzard warning!!

What A Blessing

I'm SO proud of myself!!  I made it to church today!  I am SO thankful that I did, God has definately lifted some of the burden off of my heart.  We lit a candle in Ashlie's honor after church services.  Then my sister-in-law and brother-in-law took us out to eat breakfast.  What a perfect morning!  Words cannot express how much lighter my heart feels.  Thank you God.

Trying to return to some form of "normal"

     Today was my worst day so far.  I thought I had felt empty before, but the emptiness I felt today was indescribable.  I felt it in the top of my head and all the way down to the tips of my toes.  That nauseating, knawing feeling... feeling as if someone or something hit you HARD in your stomach. 
     Sometimes the reality of life hurts... and it hurts real bad.  Others around you are able to go on about their "normal" lives and we just can't.  Sometimes I even wonder how I made it through the day, for I have no memory of it 
I find myself wondering when I am in public, "how am I supposed to act in public?  Should I look somber, distraught?  What happens if I smile?  Will people think "how can she smile?  Didn't she just bury her child?!" 
     Today my husband, our youngest son, and I went to a movie, "True Grit."  Was a good movie by the way, you should check it out.  But, our youngest son is 17, and he was NOT impressed.  Anyways... it was a much needed and nice distraction from our grief.  Prior to the movie, my husband and I had a heartfelt and also much needed discussion about our grief.  Sharing things we had each forgotten, sharing things we had not yet shared.  It was wonderful. 
     Tomorrow, I will attempt to go to church.  It doesn't bother me much to cry in front of my extended family, but crying in front of strangers just isn't something I like to do.  I am a very private person.  Although I know that I need church, I just haven't been able to go.  I decided that if I am unable to stay in the chapel, I can just quietly go to the prayer room and wait for my family there. 
     I have been reading a few books about grief and/or heaven.  I will share these titles at another time.  My anger has subsided some from yesterday.  I still remain frustrated though.
     The highlight of my day was my oldest son sending me pics and a video of paint horses, something I treasure.  It was nice to know that he was thinking of his Mom while he was out hunting.
TaTa4Now