Three Years Since We Buried Our Angel

Today's post is written in her favorite color, pink.  I cannot believe it's been 3 years since our little girl was laid to rest.  The day we buried you there was the most beautiful snow I had ever seen falling from the sky.  Today there is a beautiful snow already on the ground.  A part of me says "wow, it has been 3 long years."  Where another part of me says "how can it be 3 years!"  I know that for me, I am now a different person.  I have changed the way I view the world.  I have became stronger in some areas, weaker in others.  By stronger, I mean that in some ways I have found a strength that I didn't have before to stand-up for myself.  I have became tired of hurting and took life by the reins to change that.  A person can only be walked on for so long, and yes, I became more aware of my role in allowing people to take advantage of me.  By weaker, I mean that I, unfortunately, am horribly afraid that others in my life will pass away suddenly, unexpectedly.  It is something that haunts me.  I do not have the inner strength that I once had either, it has been weakened.  I remain unable to look at pictures of Ashlie.  I think I fear going back to the dark, pain-filled place I once was.  Believe me, I don't EVER, ever want to hurt that badly again.  The pain you feel after losing a child is indescribable.  I hope I never, ever have to feel that depth of pain again.  I do have to thank Ashlie for the joy that she brought to me.  She was a ray of sunshine.  I will forever remember attempting to "tame" those curls of hers each morning as we prepared for her school day.  Forever remember opening her backpack as soon as we got back inside from getting off of the school bus and then reviewing her papers... and that big smile as we talked about each one.  Forever remember those walks down the walking trail after school, just you and I, and you sleeping all the way back home.  Forever remember when it was too hot to walk on the trail, we would sit on the patio and talk about nature, and school, and...  I will just simply... FOREVER REMEMBER...
TaTa4Now

9 Years... 9 Long Years Since I Lost My Father

Today marks 9 years since I lost my father at the age of 67.  Really, words can't explain the depth of my feelings of loss.  You see, my Dad was my strength in life.  He was a wonderful role model for myself and my children.  My Dad was a very logical, analytical thinker.  Always thinking through every decision he ever made, which made him very confident in his decisions, as he should have been.  That strength is what I miss most about my Father.  I could go to him and KNOW that I would get a very well thought out opinion for some of life's most difficult decisions.  There is a part of me that is glad that he doesn't have to suffer any more.  Dad was a smoker since he was 14 years old.  He had severe COPD, a lung disease.  He had lost 65%, yes, 65% of his lung capacity.  He was on oxygen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Then my Dad would begin to be robbed of his mind by Alzhiemers.  He was ashamed of those days where he would not be able to remember what "butter" was called.  It tore me up to see such a strong man's health and mind decline in such a way.  So, for the fact that he no longer suffers, I am grateful.  But the selfish part of me wishes he was still here with me.  I will forever be grateful for God giving me my Dad's brain, for we both loved our math, researching our interests, completing the task at hand to the best of our ability, and standing firm in our beliefs.  Thank you Dad for everything you gave to me.  Miss you so very much...

TaTa4Now

p.s.  PLEASE don't smoke.  If you are a smoker, PLEASE find a way to quit.  No one should have to suffer like my Dad did.

Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them do Unto You... Full Circle

Being a person who loves doing crafts, I am in a few crafting groups.  One of these group's administrators set-up a Santa's Elf project.  Any group member could put a name on the Elf List for the elves to send Christmas cheer.  Yesterday, I sent out my Christmas cheer to 15 people within the US, one to Ontario Canada, and one to England!  It was a wonderful feeling to get those mailed out and hope that the recipient is able to forget about their troubles at least for one brief moment.  Soon, my own mail would arrive at my home.  As I'm looking through my mail, I find an orange envelope from Shutterfly.  Hmm... I didn't order anything from Shutterfly.  Slowly, I open the envelope.  I find a white, drawstring tied bag.  Inside this bag is such an amazing gift!  It is a bracelet with a picture of my precious Ashlie!!  It is difficult to explain the feeling when I saw this.  My first thought was "now anytime I want to have my Ashlie near, all I have to do is wear this!  Who had such a giving spirit to send me such a thoughtful gift!!"  Now it's time to figure out who sent this wonderful gift to me.  I think I know already.  
Always be willing to give to help others.  That gift has a way of returning full circle. :)  God is good...
TaTa4Now

Heaven Received Another Angel

My mind has remained riding the roller coaster of emotions.  My beautiful granddaughter remains "playing with Ashlie, talking with Ashlie, seeing Ashlie" and now she talks with her autistic little brother about Ashlie.  Telling him how Ashlie is in heaven, "D", and she will "stay there forever and watch over us.  She is with Jesus."  What a truly special bond they had.  One Angelic Encounter I remember with my granddaughter as I was talking with her on the phone on her way to school went like this:
E:  MiMi, that cloud is Ashlie!
MiMi:  It looks like Ashlie or she is sitting on it?
E:  No, MiMi it is Ashlie.  She is watching over us.
E:  Mimi, I miss Ashlie.
MiMi:  I do too E.  Has she not came to see you?  Yes, she has MiMi, but I miss playing with her when she leaves.  It makes me sad when she has to go back to heaven.
You see, Ashlie comes and visits my granddaughter, E, in her room.  My daughter hears her talking and playing with her and E shares SO many events with me.  The pure innocence and love of children.  E was only 2 years old when Ashlie passed.  They obviously shared a special bond.
There have been more changes for me with my job.  I had been working nights, have been for several years.  Then I began struggling with being able to sleep during the day.  I fought it for 6 months.  It won.  I simply could not physically handle the limited amount of sleep I was getting, and after-all, I am a Registered Nurse.  I have to be clear-minded to do my job.  So, I quit my job without another job in place.  WAY out of my character, but I just simply could not work nights any more.  Prayers were made for God's guidance as to where my profession would go next.  Having such great losses with my private duty nursing, I felt that maybe it was time for a change.  It isn't easy to find day shift nursing positions and I am very selective also.  I applied for two different positions working with developmentally delayed adults.  I was one of the finalist with both, but was not ultimately chosen.  Then I see an ad in the paper for a day shift position doing the private duty nursing again.  I would interview with the employer and then with the patient's family and would be offered a job. Guess God thought I needed to stay with the private duty nursing, working with medically fragile children.  Here I would find a wonderful, loving family, with a beautiful baby girl.  Within one month after beginning her care, God would take her to heaven.  She was laid to rest yesterday.  Yet another funeral.  Yet another loss.  I buried my daughter, buried my very next patient, and just buried my last patient.  I've had several discussions with God about all of my loss.  He knows how deeply I love, how deeply I grieve, how deeply I grieve for the families of these precious angels.  We will see where God takes me now.  For now, my employer has no other patients for me.  God has a plan.  RIP my beautiful angels.  Cheryl (Momma to Ashlie) loves you dearly.

More Angelic Encounters

     Well blog... I have let you down.  It's nothing personal.  I have been stuffing down my feelings.  Stuffing them down... down... down.  Down to where I will never, ever hurt so deeply again.  As Dr. Phil would say... "How's that workin' for ya'?"  As you can guess, it isn't very effective.  Okay, it works for a while.  Why do I do this?  I know it is unhealthy, but I fear hurting so deeply again.  I don't want to go down to the depths of pain that I felt before.  I think I fear that I won't return from that painful place... that I will be stuck there forever. Well, the upcoming new year brought about a promise that I made to myself.  That promise?  To feel... to just simply feel.  Then decide how to act on those feelings.  Don't just sit there wondering if what I'm feeling is okay, good, bad, whatever.  What difference does it make "what" those feelings are... they are my feelings... mine.  I must chose what I want to do with them.
     #1  My granddaughter, "E", had some conversations with me that can only be sent from God.  She is now 4 1/2 years old.  She was extremely close to my Ashlie.  A few days ago she wanted to talk to me.  She lives in Florida, so we do a lot of talking on the phone and "seeing" each other via iPad/iPhone.  Let me remind you that when my Ashlie passed away, my daughter and her children were at my home visiting (thank God!).  In my grief of finding my youngest daughter deceased, I ran through the house calling out for my husband (he was at work, but I was delirious at the time.)  Unfortunately, my then 2 1/2 yr   old granddaughter heard me screaming and saw me crying.  She remembers to this day... it is something I regret her having to witness.  Anyways... she frequently asks me why I was crying for Ashlie.  My standard reply is that Ashlie died and went to heaven... and MiMi was sad because she misses her.  So... she asks me, "MiMi, why did you cry for Ashlie?"  I gave her my standard reply.  She then tells me, "MiMi, it's okay.  Ashlie's happy in heaven.  She's all better.  I made her better."  "Wow... oh my God"... was all I could say when I got off of the phone with her.  This touched me deeply.  Ashlie still wants us to know that she is okay. 
     #2  Yesterday, my granddaughter had wanted to call her MiMi.  Here is our conversation 
E: "MiMi, did you see Ashlie today?"  
Me: "no."  
E:"you didn't?  Why?"  
Me: "I don't know!"  
She later asks me, "MiMi are you gonna die?"  
Me: "some day, but not for a long, long, time."  
E: "Are you going to heaven?"  
Me: "yes"  
E:  "are you gonna be all better after you go to heaven?  And I will see you all better?" 
Me: "no, honey.  MiMi won't be all better, but she will be happy in heaven.  
I was afraid that maybe she was thinking that I would go to heaven and then come back, alive.  My oldest daughter was listening, as she always does with these types of conversations.  Ugghh...what was I thinking... Ashlie went to heaven and is now "all better."  So shall I be also!  My darling, little "E" is trying to figure it all out.  She knows Ashlie died and went to heaven... and she knows that now she "sees" Ashlie and she is "all better"... no wheelchair, able to speak, etc.  It must be so confusing in her young mind.    
My daughter has even overheard her playing Barbie's with Ashlie.  What a special bond they had.
TaTa4Now

Life...

I've really been contemplating life the past few days.  Life can really throw some painful curve balls at you.  Personally... I'm sick of life's curve balls...  I don't even own a catcher's mitt... and I'm sick of trying to catch them...  I keep getting hit by them.  What do I mean by all this?  I don't even know.  These past two years have been rough... really, really rough.  A change that was supposedly for the good for our family, turned out to be yet another broken promise... leading to more broken promises.  I'm tired of being let down... tired of struggling... just tired.  I've lost my faith in life... I've lost my trust in God... I've just simply lost my faith.
TaTa4Now

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day... the day for Mothers... my 7th without mine.  I missed her terribly... from when I awoke... to when I fell asleep.  I just simply missed her.  Last year's Mother's Day was devastating without my Ashlie, it was my first without her.  This year, 7 years later, I'm again missing my Mom... just wanting to see her one more time.  My heart is also aching for my sweet patient's Mom this year.  (My 6 year old patient that passed in March of this year.)  I, unfortunately, know the depths of her pain... the loss of a child.  Something you don't "get over in time"... something you just simply learn to live with.... creating a life without them... a life honoring their memory.... something I have had to do after losing my parents so close together.
The bright spot of my day?  My oldest son taking me out to eat breakfast!  I had the pleasure of his company, his future wife's, her Mom, her brother, and my youngest son's!  I treasure ANY time spent with my kids!  I know that I haven't always been the best Mom, but I do know that I put every bit of my heart and soul into being the best Mom that I know how to be.  Hopefully, they will forgive my faults and know how much I truly love them.  I am so very proud... and so very lucky to have them in my life!
TaTa4Now