Life...

I've really been contemplating life the past few days.  Life can really throw some painful curve balls at you.  Personally... I'm sick of life's curve balls...  I don't even own a catcher's mitt... and I'm sick of trying to catch them...  I keep getting hit by them.  What do I mean by all this?  I don't even know.  These past two years have been rough... really, really rough.  A change that was supposedly for the good for our family, turned out to be yet another broken promise... leading to more broken promises.  I'm tired of being let down... tired of struggling... just tired.  I've lost my faith in life... I've lost my trust in God... I've just simply lost my faith.
TaTa4Now

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day... the day for Mothers... my 7th without mine.  I missed her terribly... from when I awoke... to when I fell asleep.  I just simply missed her.  Last year's Mother's Day was devastating without my Ashlie, it was my first without her.  This year, 7 years later, I'm again missing my Mom... just wanting to see her one more time.  My heart is also aching for my sweet patient's Mom this year.  (My 6 year old patient that passed in March of this year.)  I, unfortunately, know the depths of her pain... the loss of a child.  Something you don't "get over in time"... something you just simply learn to live with.... creating a life without them... a life honoring their memory.... something I have had to do after losing my parents so close together.
The bright spot of my day?  My oldest son taking me out to eat breakfast!  I had the pleasure of his company, his future wife's, her Mom, her brother, and my youngest son's!  I treasure ANY time spent with my kids!  I know that I haven't always been the best Mom, but I do know that I put every bit of my heart and soul into being the best Mom that I know how to be.  Hopefully, they will forgive my faults and know how much I truly love them.  I am so very proud... and so very lucky to have them in my life!
TaTa4Now

Happy Mother's Day?

Well... today is Mother's Day.  Don't know about the happy part.  I'm not feeling very happy at the moment.  Actually, I'm feeling pretty horrible.  I'm missing my Mom terribly today.  Yes, it's been 7 years... but my heart doesn't care.  I'd give just about anything for just one more hug... one more day.  I miss her laugh... I miss her making me feel so special... even on Mother's Day, and even though she was MY Mother.  But... on a happy note... my oldest son is taking me out for breakfast! Spending time with him will make me feel much better!  I wish I could have all of my little "chicks" together with me for Mother's Day, but it just isn't "doable" when they are spread out all across the nation... and one is in Heaven.  Time to get ready for my Mother's Day breakfast!
TaTa4Now!

Blog! I've Been Neglecting You!

Well... so much has happened.  I'm back from welcoming my 3rd grandchild into the world!  A baby boy.  Mom did awesome, baby boy... not so much at first.  He had pneumonia :(  After spending the first week of his life in the hospital, he finally got to come home.  It took him a bit to start gaining weight, but he's doing great now!  I cannot believe how well my daughter bounced back!  It was her third c-section and I was concerned for her recovery time before I had to go back home.  No need to worry!  She did amazing!!  Thank you God!!  I thoroughly enjoyed the time that I spent in Florida with my daughter and her family.  It was a much needed break away from my stresses at home.  I remain not working.  It is a much needed break, but I'm finding myself bored.  I just can't get motivated to finish the last unpacking and going through.  It's been a rough journey... going through the last of the things that I have left from my Mom.  I have to downsize... no choice and I have limited storage options for what I do want to keep.  It's exhilarating going through things... and devastating at the same time.  I miss my Mom so very much.  I miss the comfort of going into their home and knowing... NO MATTER WHAT... they loved me.  They truly loved... ME.  I feel like the only thing I have left of them is just that... THINGS.  Yes, I know I have my memories... I will always have my memories.  But... some material things have special, special memories.  So... it's been hard.  I'm emotionally exhausted from all of it.  I have told myself that I can't craft until I get everything unpacked and put away.  Ugghh... I hate fighting with myself.  I want to craft... it's actually fun!  But if I get started crafting, I will NOT finish my unpacking/sorting.  So... here I sit... staring at my wall decor that needs to be hung and the boxes that I need to put away and/or find a home for.  Bah humbug.  I also have found myself missing my little patient a lot this past week.  I felt as though I was a part of that family, I mourn that loss too.  Of course... I will always miss Ashlie.  Such a sweet butterfly...  Mother's Day is in two days :(  I'm dreading it...
TaTa4Now

Tickled with Glee

     Yesterday I got all of the boxes we had here unpacked and put away.  I was so excited!  Then... what does my husband do?  Bring home more stuff that I have to put away!  Geesh... we have downsized SO much... I don't know what I am going to do with some of it.  He failed to tell me just how much stuff was left to be moved!  Ugghh...
     My husband and I had a wonderful discussion this morning about lost loved ones and our beliefs about heaven and angels.  It was enlightening and now I am ready to tackle my unpacking... AGAIN!
     In two days I fly to Florida to stay with my daughter and her family!  This MiMi can't wait!!  Tomorrow, I get to have lunch with the wonderful mother of my little patient.  I can't wait to see her either!!  What a wonderful week I have in store for me!!  Yes... God is good!!
TaTa4Now

Missing my "Little Guy"

   This morning in the quietness of the early morning, I find myself missing my little patient.  Having spent over a year, 5 days per week and at least 7 hours a day caring for him... I miss him.   What do I miss?  His laugh, his smile... him trying SO hard to accomplish... I even miss that little orneriness he would show me.   I miss his family.  I miss my routine.
   What a day I had yesterday!  My husband has been unemployed for 6 months, he found a job AND it has great pay and benefits!!  That was in the morning.  Then, yesterday afternoon I received a call and was offered a job!  Being a believer in NEVER burning bridges, I kept in touch with a previous co-worker.  That connection brought me a job offer!  Wow!  God answered my prayers!  I know he's been answering them in ways that I just didn't understand before, but now I feel like we have been doubly blessed!  I hope now we are headed down the hill... coasting for a while instead of rock climbing to the top!  *I suck at rock climbing anyways*  I'm exhausted!
  Shout-out to my "little guy's" parents.  God be with you...
TaTa4Now

My Little Angel...

I find myself really missing you this morning.  Your big sister is going to have "M" any day now!  Yes... you will soon be an aunt again!  Momma is going to Florida to meet him and take care of "E" and "D."  The last time I went to Florida, you were with me my sweet angel...  not this time though.  It's kind of bittersweet... I'm SO excited to have yet another grandbaby... but so wish you were here to go with me :)  I hope you and "C" (my little patient that passed) are having a BLAST in heaven!!  Two of heaven's most beautiful angels...
TaTa4Now