Another Rough Day...

Today was another rough day.  I truly don't remember much of it.  I do remember hiding behind a 3 hr nap.  It didn't make me feel any better, nor any more rested.  I remain feeling SO deeply empty inside and more exhausted than I have ever been.  I remain not sleeping well, stuck in the sleep a couple of hours, awake a couple of hours, then back to sleep again for a couple, then awake at my usual early time.
   After cooking dinner for my family this evening, I am finding myself angry and frustrated.  Since losing my Mother, I have had little help at home.  For one reason or another, no one seems to have time to actually help ME out, yes ME, I'm talking about ME.  I'm the one who cooks, cleans, does the laundry, shopping, making sure EVERYONE else has what THEY need, etc.  My Mom would have been here helping me.  Helping me so that I could grieve and not have to continue caring for everyone, but actually some time to just grieve.  It breaks my heart and makes me feel unloved, uncared for.  Its real easy for people to say, oh, let me know if you need any help.  Seriously, I don't even know WHAT I need now, or even who I am at this point, for that has all changed.  But doesn't common sense tell a person that when someone is grieving that they could probably use some help around the house?  Thanks for listening...
TaTa4Now

Nervously awaiting

Well, I haven't yet started with my new patient, the 6 year old boy.  My employer is waiting on paperwork from the State.  Imagine that, the State dragging their heels on much needed paperwork.  That's another story though.  I am nervously awaiting this day.  My first visit with the family will be the admission process, where we get to meet this precious child and the family will give us all of his medical information.  These visits typically last about an hour.  I am sure that this short visit will let me know if I am able to take care of another child.  I am so afraid that I will not be able to do this and disappoint his family, myself, my employer, and my own family.  Please pray for me.
Today is the 3rd week since Ashlie passed.  I can't believe that it has been that long.  It truly does not seem like it has been, perhaps just over one week.  I finished the "acknowledgements" yesterday.  It was very difficult to do, yet rewarding at the same time.  We have TRULY been blessed with people's thoughtfulness.  I hope those who consoled us know how much it is appreciated.
I don't remember if I mentioned earlier, but we were already moving this coming March.  An expected move from a temporary residence to a permanent one.  I am finding myself EXTREMELY stir crazy.  I no longer want to be in this home that we shared with Ashlie.  If I could, I would pack up now and be gone.  I have even ventured into thinking... yes, I could live the next couple of months in my sister-in-law's basement.  That is how desperate I am to get out of here.  I want to start over somewhere else.  Yet, here's my dilemma.  I don't want to put everything of my daughter's in boxes and that be all I have left.  That is what I did when I lost my parents.  It haunted me that all I had left was boxes of stuff... and not them.  Yes, I do know that I will always have my memories and love, it is just something that was difficult for me.
I designed a memorial tile in Ashlie's honor today.  When I am finished "tweaking" it, I will share it.  I frequent a craft forum www.smartbuygal.com/forum and one of the members posted a memorial tile that she had made.  It was just the angel I had been searching for;  I had searched many, many hours looking for just the right one.  So I have to thank her for posting her project!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
TaTa4Now

Finding Homes for Ashlie's Equipment

My husband and I decided to donate Ashlie's medical equipment.  We wanted to start with her school and see if they had needs there.  Today we found a home for her Hoyer lift.  It went to a woman who has been trying to obtain one for her son for over a year.  He now weighs 150 lbs and she has been lifting him all by herself.  Ashlie's stander, just another medical necessity for her, went to her physical therapist.  He has a child specifically in mind.  Ashlie would be proud.  I know that we are.  Yet another way to pay-it-foward.  Honor her memory.  It is bitter sweet though.  Yet another reminder that I am NOT living in a dream...
Today was another rough day.  Knots in my stomach, headache, no appetite... what's new.  I actually shed some tears today.  Had a wonderful conversation with my husband.  Its rough.
TaTa4Now

What is Wrong with Me??!!

Its been 18 days since Ashlie passed.  Seems as if it was just a couple.  For some reason, I rarely cry.  Just like days prior, I find myself wondering what is wrong with me?  How can I bury my child and not cry?  Is this "dream" state that I am living in just my mind's way of protecting me?  My husband quite frequently goes into her room, I avoid it.  I haven't been in there for days.  I don't want to see her empty bed, for when I look in her bed, I fully expect to see her laying there... smiling at me.  Yes, alas I would be awake and the dream would be over.  It really was just a bad, horrible dream.
TaTa4Now

Difficult Day

Today started off probably as my worst days so far.  I felt so empty inside and am SO tired of feeling so empty.  I felt as if I couldn't do it another day.  Butterflies were turning, fluttering feverishly inside of me.  I felt as if I was going to throw up.  Knowing how I was feeling, I asked my sister-in-law if we could come to her house.  Of course, she said "Come on over!"  That was the best choice that I made today.  It was just what I needed.  To be around those who love us, and love Ashlie.  Sharing stories, drinking many cups of coffee, embracing the warmth of the fireplace.  It was very peaceful.  And I can't forget being "loved" on by their 54 lb bulldog.  Although I'm not sure my word for it would be "love."  She's a bit bigger than my 5 lb papillon!
Friday we had to make yet another visit to the funeral home.  Man... I wish our insurance company would get their act together!  I wonder if they think about what it feels like on the other end.  Would they want to have to keep returning to the funeral home where their child's services were held?
Well, we are back home now.  To our house that feels so empty.
TaTa4Now

Made A Decision

Well I made my decision.  I am going to accept the 6 yr old patient.  Hopefully all will go well.  I remain slowly awakening from my dream.  It isn't a dream.  She is really gone... and it hurts.  Today we were visited by our daughter's school teacher, school nurse, and school social worker.  It was wonderful to share stories about Ashlie.  We showed them her room also.  They loved her too.  We were able to let them know just how much we appreciated everything they did for her.  She LOVED school and came home so happy... except when she was exhausted!  The more people who offer their condolences allows me to "awaken" just a bit more.  We went to my youngest sister-in-laws tonite to celebrate her birthday.  Although it was fun, it also was difficult.  NiteNite Angel...
TaTa4Now

I have a big decision to make...

I have a big decision to make.  The state I live in pays family to be careproviders for their own loved ones.  If you remember, I am an RN.  Well, since my daughter has passed, it leaves me without a patient, not just the loss of a child.  My feelings have gone back and forth as to whether I think that I can care for another child.  So I have been looking for nursing jobs where I would hide behind a desk and avoid the patient contact, avoid losing another patient, avoid becoming attached.  I applied for one such job, it was already filled.  Applied for another, haven't heard back yet.  Then today my employer calls me and has a new patient that they think would be great for me.  A 6 year old boy.  Yes, the same age as my angel was.  So there-in lies my dilemma.  Can I do it...  I was just speaking with a dear, dear friend of mine.  She reminded me of why I went into the specific field I was in, and the specific specialty that I chose.  To make a difference.  She also reminded me of "what would Ashlie want me to do?"  I will be discussing this decision with my husband shortly. 
Also today, I began preparing the "acknowledgments" or thank you's as most common folk, like me, call them.  I treasured reliving people's thoughtfulness.  But was soon consumed with grief.  I am beginning to awaken from my dream and am realizing the depth of her loss. 
The beautiful snow that God blessed us with came during the 5:00 rush hour traffic.  I anxiously anticipated my husband's return from work.  My thoughts were "what would I do if I lost both of them?"  Thankfully he made it home ok, late, but safe.  I greeted him with a big hug.  What a relief!  
We've had company for a few days.  Now we are back to an empty house and our empty hearts.  Time to go visit with the husband about my job.  He isn't particularly supportive of my caring for children again.  We will see...
TaTa4Now