Life Circles

First, let me briefly explain what I do for a living.  I am a Registered Nurse, providing Private Duty Nursing for medically fragile children in their home.  What does that mean?  Basically, I provide nursing care for patients and their families in their own home.  I know that God truly blessed me when He put me on this path for my profession.  I absolutely love what I do.  I feel that I have been given the opportunity to truly make a difference in my patient's and their family's lives, and I don't take that choice lightly.  In March of 2011, just after I lost my own daughter, I was placed in a home with Colin.  For one year, I would be blessed to care for him.  In March of 2012, God would take him to Heaven.  His parent's chose to bring him home to pass away.  They also asked for me to be there.  I would hold him as he was taking some of his last breaths.  I would talk to him about Jesus, assuring him that it was okay, the angels would be with him on his journey.  Also assuring him that Ashlie would be there.  I KNOW that my Ashlie had already met him.  I would be with him at the kitchen table, giving him his feeding through his feeding tube.  He would look to the right, he wasn't able to speak, and get the BIGGEST grin on his face.  I would feel an OVERWHELMING presence of my Ashlie.  I would say to him, "Colin?  Is Ashlie here??  His response would be to again have a HUGE grin on his face and get VERY excited.  I would then talk with him about her.  I would often play "I Can Only Imagine," by Mercy Me and sing with it to him.  You see, that song was played at Ashlie's services, at both of my parent's also.  What I would find out later, is that his Daddy also played that song and sang it with him.  That song holds such a special place in my heart.  It remains to this day how my Ashlie reminds me that she is still here.   I keep in touch with this beautiful family.  We share a bond that goes beyond words, we always will.  I have moved a few hours away from them now, but they invited my son and I up in December of last year.  I can NOT describe how good it was for my SOUL to see them and spend time with them.  Again this weekend, we will be traveling to their home :)  I can not wait to see them all again :)

TaTa4Now

Life's Pathways

On February 14th of 2015, (yes, Valentine's Day, the day of love,) my husband of 22 years called me as I was driving home from work to tell me that he was gone... and wanted a divorce.  Not only would he devastate me emotionally, but he would attempt to leave his son and I homeless.  What he didn't count on was my perseverance.  Not only have I been able to maintain a roof over our heads, I also have kept up with the painfully exorbitant financial burden.  This journey has been the craziest, scariest, most unpredictable ride I have experienced.  What makes a person decide that their goal in life is to attempt to make someone miserable?  I guess the answer to that would be a miserable person.  Like in many life trials, I have found out who will continue to stand beside me.  Some have chosen to walk away, leaving me feeling that they walked away because "I told you so,"  I will never know for sure.  But... such is life... very unpredictable.  This man that chose to throw me in the trash, also chose to do the same to his son.  Our son is 22 years old and mentally challenged.  He doesn't quite understand everything that goes on in the world.  All he knows is that his Dad told him that he and his Mom weren't getting along and he was going to his parents' home for a few days.  Come 2 months later, and this man is begging me to make our son have dinner with him and his new girlfriend for our son's birthday.  (Yes, I said his girlfriend.  He left me for another woman, but wasn't man enough to tell me to my face). So I had to be the one to tell our son, not only is your Dad not coming back, he wants you to meet his new girlfriend.  He continuously makes promises to our son, and NEVER keeps them, promising to come and get him, etc.  I will NEVER, EVER understand how a person can walk away from their family so easily.  I have had over a year now to do a lot of reflecting.  But I wonder if he ever even loved me?  I loved this man from the top of my head down to the tips of my toes.    
Now, I will say this about what my husband did.  Okay... I know I am not a perfect human.  I know I wasn't always the best wife that I could be.  But I did NOT deserve to be treated and thrown away like I was.  Not only did he just "up and leave" without even facing me, he withdrew ALL of our money.  The money that was sitting there waiting to make my car payment, the money to feed myself and HIS son with.  The money to pay the bills with.  Yet again, I had made bad choices.  I allowed this man to COMPLETELY control the money.  He had not paid ANY bill for two months.  How did I find out he had not only withdrawn all money, but had not paid bills for two months?  When the city came knocking on the door, when I was at work and our son was at home, saying they were going to cut off the water if your Dad doesn't come up here and get it paid, they didn't know Dad was gone.  Much to my dismay, as I called EVERYONE we made payments to, he had paid nothing.  He had been pocketing his paycheck, withdrawing cash from my paycheck "to pay bills" with.  Talk about being devastated.  Words can simply not explain how I felt on that day, I have not forgotten how scared I was.  Now, I had to decide which to pay first, my car, so I could drive to work, or my house payment, to keep a roof over our heads.  My purpose in sharing all of this personal information is to encourage everyone, male or female, to be aware of the finances in the home.  Do NOT remain un-involved in the bill paying. Do NOT be unaware of where the money is spent.  PLEASE DO NOT assume that the person whom you love has your best interests at heart.  They could very well be planning your financial, and perhaps even your very own, demise.  I truly loved this man.  From the top of my head down to the tips of my toes.  No one will love him as much as I did.  I fought hard to keep our marriage together.  He walked away easily.  He had put a plan in place YEARS ago, leading up to this point.  And his family was involved and aware.  Speaks for their character.  I filed for divorce quickly, and then he would drag out the divorce for 9 long months.  WHY???!!!  So, now I wonder... will I ever be able to love again?  Will I ever TRUST again?  Dating after spending all but a very short time of my adult life married, seems extremely overwhelming.  I had found the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  But... it wasn't meant to be.  I have shoved grieving for my daughter downward throughout the divorce... it resurfaced in November, on the 10th, it was her birthday.  It was a difficult day for me.  She still reminds me that she is there though.  All my love my angel...  
What I would like to add is this... don't just "sit in the backseat."  DO NOT give up yourself to try and keep a marriage together, it takes TWO people working together!  This was my second marriage, and I wanted so desperately to "finally get it right."  To have at least kept one family together.  I truly thought that it was best for my kids to have this marriage intact.  What I didn't realize is what I was losing to try and keep it together... that was until I obtained my FREEDOM! For you see, I am now truly free, truly free to be me.  I simply had no idea how I was living.  Now I can dress how I like, I can speak to whomever I wish,  I can go anywhere I want.  It has been a painful journey, but I am finding out who I truly am... not who I am when I'm wearing my Mom hat, or my Nurse hat, or my Sister hat.  But just simply me... and I think I like her :)
TaTa4Now

Well, I made it through the 3 year anniversary.  What a roller coaster of emotions kind of day.  As the morning progressed, my emotions became more and more... well, how would I describe it... more and more, confused, angry, entangled, in great turmoil. I don't even know how to describe them.  I felt that HUGE fear that I have of returning to the awful, dark place I once was building inside of me... afraid that I will go back to that dark place and never return.  It's a terrible feeling that I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy.  What keeps me fighting on, is knowing that my youngest son, who is 20 and developmentally delayed, is dependent on me... and knowing that my grandchildren deserve to have at least one grandparent that is involved in their lives, and that is me.  My oldest son will be perfectly fine without me, he is very independent and sure of himself.  My oldest daughter would miss me, but is doing quite well on her own, despite being a military wife/mom and raising an autistic child.  She is doing a wonderful job.  (Don't misinterpret what I mean by that.  Certainly not suicide, I have strong Christian beliefs against that.  I just mean if psychologically I wasn't available.)  So... as the day progressed, and I told myself that I was NOT going to that dark place, I again pulled myself out, fought off the huge volcano of emotions begging to erupt inside of me and take over my life.  I did it!!  As the day progressed, my husband and I, after being relatively quiet, began to mention some of our favorite memories.  As the day progressed, our grief somewhat eased.  By the end of the day, I was more easily, albeit difficult, reliving wonderful memories without that deep, dark pain.  Another event that reminds me how fragile life is.  Another event that scares me about losing those I love.  Another event that causes me to expect to find my 20 year old son dead every time I check on him, which is often while he sleeps.  You see, my son began having seizures, after 15 years of being seizure free, just months after we lost Ashlie.  What did we lose Ashlie to?  Yes, you're right, it was a seizure.  
Ashlie, your memory lives on... never to be forgotten.
TaTa4Now

Three Years Since We Buried Our Angel

Today's post is written in her favorite color, pink.  I cannot believe it's been 3 years since our little girl was laid to rest.  The day we buried you there was the most beautiful snow I had ever seen falling from the sky.  Today there is a beautiful snow already on the ground.  A part of me says "wow, it has been 3 long years."  Where another part of me says "how can it be 3 years!"  I know that for me, I am now a different person.  I have changed the way I view the world.  I have became stronger in some areas, weaker in others.  By stronger, I mean that in some ways I have found a strength that I didn't have before to stand-up for myself.  I have became tired of hurting and took life by the reins to change that.  A person can only be walked on for so long, and yes, I became more aware of my role in allowing people to take advantage of me.  By weaker, I mean that I, unfortunately, am horribly afraid that others in my life will pass away suddenly, unexpectedly.  It is something that haunts me.  I do not have the inner strength that I once had either, it has been weakened.  I remain unable to look at pictures of Ashlie.  I think I fear going back to the dark, pain-filled place I once was.  Believe me, I don't EVER, ever want to hurt that badly again.  The pain you feel after losing a child is indescribable.  I hope I never, ever have to feel that depth of pain again.  I do have to thank Ashlie for the joy that she brought to me.  She was a ray of sunshine.  I will forever remember attempting to "tame" those curls of hers each morning as we prepared for her school day.  Forever remember opening her backpack as soon as we got back inside from getting off of the school bus and then reviewing her papers... and that big smile as we talked about each one.  Forever remember those walks down the walking trail after school, just you and I, and you sleeping all the way back home.  Forever remember when it was too hot to walk on the trail, we would sit on the patio and talk about nature, and school, and...  I will just simply... FOREVER REMEMBER...
TaTa4Now

9 Years... 9 Long Years Since I Lost My Father

Today marks 9 years since I lost my father at the age of 67.  Really, words can't explain the depth of my feelings of loss.  You see, my Dad was my strength in life.  He was a wonderful role model for myself and my children.  My Dad was a very logical, analytical thinker.  Always thinking through every decision he ever made, which made him very confident in his decisions, as he should have been.  That strength is what I miss most about my Father.  I could go to him and KNOW that I would get a very well thought out opinion for some of life's most difficult decisions.  There is a part of me that is glad that he doesn't have to suffer any more.  Dad was a smoker since he was 14 years old.  He had severe COPD, a lung disease.  He had lost 65%, yes, 65% of his lung capacity.  He was on oxygen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Then my Dad would begin to be robbed of his mind by Alzhiemers.  He was ashamed of those days where he would not be able to remember what "butter" was called.  It tore me up to see such a strong man's health and mind decline in such a way.  So, for the fact that he no longer suffers, I am grateful.  But the selfish part of me wishes he was still here with me.  I will forever be grateful for God giving me my Dad's brain, for we both loved our math, researching our interests, completing the task at hand to the best of our ability, and standing firm in our beliefs.  Thank you Dad for everything you gave to me.  Miss you so very much...

TaTa4Now

p.s.  PLEASE don't smoke.  If you are a smoker, PLEASE find a way to quit.  No one should have to suffer like my Dad did.

Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them do Unto You... Full Circle

Being a person who loves doing crafts, I am in a few crafting groups.  One of these group's administrators set-up a Santa's Elf project.  Any group member could put a name on the Elf List for the elves to send Christmas cheer.  Yesterday, I sent out my Christmas cheer to 15 people within the US, one to Ontario Canada, and one to England!  It was a wonderful feeling to get those mailed out and hope that the recipient is able to forget about their troubles at least for one brief moment.  Soon, my own mail would arrive at my home.  As I'm looking through my mail, I find an orange envelope from Shutterfly.  Hmm... I didn't order anything from Shutterfly.  Slowly, I open the envelope.  I find a white, drawstring tied bag.  Inside this bag is such an amazing gift!  It is a bracelet with a picture of my precious Ashlie!!  It is difficult to explain the feeling when I saw this.  My first thought was "now anytime I want to have my Ashlie near, all I have to do is wear this!  Who had such a giving spirit to send me such a thoughtful gift!!"  Now it's time to figure out who sent this wonderful gift to me.  I think I know already.  
Always be willing to give to help others.  That gift has a way of returning full circle. :)  God is good...
TaTa4Now

Heaven Received Another Angel

My mind has remained riding the roller coaster of emotions.  My beautiful granddaughter remains "playing with Ashlie, talking with Ashlie, seeing Ashlie" and now she talks with her autistic little brother about Ashlie.  Telling him how Ashlie is in heaven, "D", and she will "stay there forever and watch over us.  She is with Jesus."  What a truly special bond they had.  One Angelic Encounter I remember with my granddaughter as I was talking with her on the phone on her way to school went like this:
E:  MiMi, that cloud is Ashlie!
MiMi:  It looks like Ashlie or she is sitting on it?
E:  No, MiMi it is Ashlie.  She is watching over us.
E:  Mimi, I miss Ashlie.
MiMi:  I do too E.  Has she not came to see you?  Yes, she has MiMi, but I miss playing with her when she leaves.  It makes me sad when she has to go back to heaven.
You see, Ashlie comes and visits my granddaughter, E, in her room.  My daughter hears her talking and playing with her and E shares SO many events with me.  The pure innocence and love of children.  E was only 2 years old when Ashlie passed.  They obviously shared a special bond.
There have been more changes for me with my job.  I had been working nights, have been for several years.  Then I began struggling with being able to sleep during the day.  I fought it for 6 months.  It won.  I simply could not physically handle the limited amount of sleep I was getting, and after-all, I am a Registered Nurse.  I have to be clear-minded to do my job.  So, I quit my job without another job in place.  WAY out of my character, but I just simply could not work nights any more.  Prayers were made for God's guidance as to where my profession would go next.  Having such great losses with my private duty nursing, I felt that maybe it was time for a change.  It isn't easy to find day shift nursing positions and I am very selective also.  I applied for two different positions working with developmentally delayed adults.  I was one of the finalist with both, but was not ultimately chosen.  Then I see an ad in the paper for a day shift position doing the private duty nursing again.  I would interview with the employer and then with the patient's family and would be offered a job. Guess God thought I needed to stay with the private duty nursing, working with medically fragile children.  Here I would find a wonderful, loving family, with a beautiful baby girl.  Within one month after beginning her care, God would take her to heaven.  She was laid to rest yesterday.  Yet another funeral.  Yet another loss.  I buried my daughter, buried my very next patient, and just buried my last patient.  I've had several discussions with God about all of my loss.  He knows how deeply I love, how deeply I grieve, how deeply I grieve for the families of these precious angels.  We will see where God takes me now.  For now, my employer has no other patients for me.  God has a plan.  RIP my beautiful angels.  Cheryl (Momma to Ashlie) loves you dearly.