Well, I made it through the 3 year anniversary.  What a roller coaster of emotions kind of day.  As the morning progressed, my emotions became more and more... well, how would I describe it... more and more, confused, angry, entangled, in great turmoil. I don't even know how to describe them.  I felt that HUGE fear that I have of returning to the awful, dark place I once was building inside of me... afraid that I will go back to that dark place and never return.  It's a terrible feeling that I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy.  What keeps me fighting on, is knowing that my youngest son, who is 20 and developmentally delayed, is dependent on me... and knowing that my grandchildren deserve to have at least one grandparent that is involved in their lives, and that is me.  My oldest son will be perfectly fine without me, he is very independent and sure of himself.  My oldest daughter would miss me, but is doing quite well on her own, despite being a military wife/mom and raising an autistic child.  She is doing a wonderful job.  (Don't misinterpret what I mean by that.  Certainly not suicide, I have strong Christian beliefs against that.  I just mean if psychologically I wasn't available.)  So... as the day progressed, and I told myself that I was NOT going to that dark place, I again pulled myself out, fought off the huge volcano of emotions begging to erupt inside of me and take over my life.  I did it!!  As the day progressed, my husband and I, after being relatively quiet, began to mention some of our favorite memories.  As the day progressed, our grief somewhat eased.  By the end of the day, I was more easily, albeit difficult, reliving wonderful memories without that deep, dark pain.  Another event that reminds me how fragile life is.  Another event that scares me about losing those I love.  Another event that causes me to expect to find my 20 year old son dead every time I check on him, which is often while he sleeps.  You see, my son began having seizures, after 15 years of being seizure free, just months after we lost Ashlie.  What did we lose Ashlie to?  Yes, you're right, it was a seizure.  
Ashlie, your memory lives on... never to be forgotten.
TaTa4Now

Three Years Since We Buried Our Angel

Today's post is written in her favorite color, pink.  I cannot believe it's been 3 years since our little girl was laid to rest.  The day we buried you there was the most beautiful snow I had ever seen falling from the sky.  Today there is a beautiful snow already on the ground.  A part of me says "wow, it has been 3 long years."  Where another part of me says "how can it be 3 years!"  I know that for me, I am now a different person.  I have changed the way I view the world.  I have became stronger in some areas, weaker in others.  By stronger, I mean that in some ways I have found a strength that I didn't have before to stand-up for myself.  I have became tired of hurting and took life by the reins to change that.  A person can only be walked on for so long, and yes, I became more aware of my role in allowing people to take advantage of me.  By weaker, I mean that I, unfortunately, am horribly afraid that others in my life will pass away suddenly, unexpectedly.  It is something that haunts me.  I do not have the inner strength that I once had either, it has been weakened.  I remain unable to look at pictures of Ashlie.  I think I fear going back to the dark, pain-filled place I once was.  Believe me, I don't EVER, ever want to hurt that badly again.  The pain you feel after losing a child is indescribable.  I hope I never, ever have to feel that depth of pain again.  I do have to thank Ashlie for the joy that she brought to me.  She was a ray of sunshine.  I will forever remember attempting to "tame" those curls of hers each morning as we prepared for her school day.  Forever remember opening her backpack as soon as we got back inside from getting off of the school bus and then reviewing her papers... and that big smile as we talked about each one.  Forever remember those walks down the walking trail after school, just you and I, and you sleeping all the way back home.  Forever remember when it was too hot to walk on the trail, we would sit on the patio and talk about nature, and school, and...  I will just simply... FOREVER REMEMBER...
TaTa4Now