Life's Pathways

On February 14th of 2015, (yes, Valentine's Day, the day of love,) my husband of 22 years called me as I was driving home from work to tell me that he was gone... and wanted a divorce.  Not only would he devastate me emotionally, but he would attempt to leave his son and I homeless.  What he didn't count on was my perseverance.  Not only have I been able to maintain a roof over our heads, I also have kept up with the painfully exorbitant financial burden.  This journey has been the craziest, scariest, most unpredictable ride I have experienced.  What makes a person decide that their goal in life is to attempt to make someone miserable?  I guess the answer to that would be a miserable person.  Like in many life trials, I have found out who will continue to stand beside me.  Some have chosen to walk away, leaving me feeling that they walked away because "I told you so,"  I will never know for sure.  But... such is life... very unpredictable.  This man that chose to throw me in the trash, also chose to do the same to his son.  Our son is 22 years old and mentally challenged.  He doesn't quite understand everything that goes on in the world.  All he knows is that his Dad told him that he and his Mom weren't getting along and he was going to his parents' home for a few days.  Come 2 months later, and this man is begging me to make our son have dinner with him and his new girlfriend for our son's birthday.  (Yes, I said his girlfriend.  He left me for another woman, but wasn't man enough to tell me to my face). So I had to be the one to tell our son, not only is your Dad not coming back, he wants you to meet his new girlfriend.  He continuously makes promises to our son, and NEVER keeps them, promising to come and get him, etc.  I will NEVER, EVER understand how a person can walk away from their family so easily.  I have had over a year now to do a lot of reflecting.  But I wonder if he ever even loved me?  I loved this man from the top of my head down to the tips of my toes.    
Now, I will say this about what my husband did.  Okay... I know I am not a perfect human.  I know I wasn't always the best wife that I could be.  But I did NOT deserve to be treated and thrown away like I was.  Not only did he just "up and leave" without even facing me, he withdrew ALL of our money.  The money that was sitting there waiting to make my car payment, the money to feed myself and HIS son with.  The money to pay the bills with.  Yet again, I had made bad choices.  I allowed this man to COMPLETELY control the money.  He had not paid ANY bill for two months.  How did I find out he had not only withdrawn all money, but had not paid bills for two months?  When the city came knocking on the door, when I was at work and our son was at home, saying they were going to cut off the water if your Dad doesn't come up here and get it paid, they didn't know Dad was gone.  Much to my dismay, as I called EVERYONE we made payments to, he had paid nothing.  He had been pocketing his paycheck, withdrawing cash from my paycheck "to pay bills" with.  Talk about being devastated.  Words can simply not explain how I felt on that day, I have not forgotten how scared I was.  Now, I had to decide which to pay first, my car, so I could drive to work, or my house payment, to keep a roof over our heads.  My purpose in sharing all of this personal information is to encourage everyone, male or female, to be aware of the finances in the home.  Do NOT remain un-involved in the bill paying. Do NOT be unaware of where the money is spent.  PLEASE DO NOT assume that the person whom you love has your best interests at heart.  They could very well be planning your financial, and perhaps even your very own, demise.  I truly loved this man.  From the top of my head down to the tips of my toes.  No one will love him as much as I did.  I fought hard to keep our marriage together.  He walked away easily.  He had put a plan in place YEARS ago, leading up to this point.  And his family was involved and aware.  Speaks for their character.  I filed for divorce quickly, and then he would drag out the divorce for 9 long months.  WHY???!!!  So, now I wonder... will I ever be able to love again?  Will I ever TRUST again?  Dating after spending all but a very short time of my adult life married, seems extremely overwhelming.  I had found the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  But... it wasn't meant to be.  I have shoved grieving for my daughter downward throughout the divorce... it resurfaced in November, on the 10th, it was her birthday.  It was a difficult day for me.  She still reminds me that she is there though.  All my love my angel...  
What I would like to add is this... don't just "sit in the backseat."  DO NOT give up yourself to try and keep a marriage together, it takes TWO people working together!  This was my second marriage, and I wanted so desperately to "finally get it right."  To have at least kept one family together.  I truly thought that it was best for my kids to have this marriage intact.  What I didn't realize is what I was losing to try and keep it together... that was until I obtained my FREEDOM! For you see, I am now truly free, truly free to be me.  I simply had no idea how I was living.  Now I can dress how I like, I can speak to whomever I wish,  I can go anywhere I want.  It has been a painful journey, but I am finding out who I truly am... not who I am when I'm wearing my Mom hat, or my Nurse hat, or my Sister hat.  But just simply me... and I think I like her :)
TaTa4Now