1st Year Anniversary of Losing Miss Ashlie

I just want to scream!!  I'm SO tired of hurting.  It feels like my stomach is stuck in my throat.  My head is throbbing and I threw up my lunch.  Seriously, I just want to go outside and run around screaming my head off.  Thank God we have neighbors and I'm afraid they would call the cops on me... or the nut farm.  My feelings inside are so jumbled up.  I can't even really explain them.  Alas, I just don't know what to do today.  As I said last night, what DOES a person do on the first anniversary of their child's death?  I wish this day hadn't come.  It is such a terrible reality.  She really is gone... she's not coming back.  I can't even get a prayer out.  I get started and my mind just wonders.  I CAN'T STAND this feeling!!
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Don't Know What To Do...

Ugghh... tomorrow is the first year anniversary of losing Ashlie :(  I have thought for several months now that I wanted to get some balloons and release them at her grave.  We released balloons at her funeral service and again when her elementary school had a memorial in her honor.  Today I find myself feeling guilty for wanting to release balloons... feeling like I am celebrating her death.  Guess it's time to pray and ask God to help show me the way.  Seriously though... what AM I supposed to do on the anniversary of her death?  Sit at home and mope?  Keep myself busy and pretend that I'm not broken hearted  (which I'm good at by the way)?  I just don't know what to do...
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