Thank You Miss Ashlie

On my way home from the first part of my split shift, I flipped my radio from country to an inspirational station.  They were discussing how people write in and say how much they were touched by a particular song relating to particular circumstances in their lives.  I wondered to myself, wow, wouldn't it be nice if I heard one of the songs we chose for Ashlie's services.  Well, not too far on down the road one of them came on!  I needed that SO badly.  I've been having a rough time lately.  Oh... you might want to know what song it was.  It was my favorite one that we chose, and it also was played at both of my parents services.  The song was "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe.  If you aren't familiar with the song, please take time to listen to it.  It is beautiful.  MercyMe is a contemporary Christian group.
TaTa4Now

Struggling... yet again

Having such a hard time.  I called my prospective hospice employer.  Yet again, they have not "made their decisions."  So now, if they did hire me, I wouldn't start until May.  Enough is enough.  Each and every day my current job gets more and more difficult.  I almost can't hardly look at my patient... it is so painful.  It is taking EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, inside of me just to make it through the day.  I am exhausted.  Its hard enough to go on about life without Ashlie, but my job is making it almost seem unbearable.  Please keep my in your prayers.  I need the strength.  God be with all of you.  Ashlie... I wish you were here.
TaTa4Now

We Got Moved!!

We got moved!!  We worked all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Everything went fairly smoothly!!  Even managed to work around the rain showers.  BIG SHOUT OUT to my mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law, and his friend!!  We couldn't have done it without you!!  I have parts of me hurting today that I had forgotten were even there!
As I thought it would be, the move was bittersweet.  Yes, I don't have to look at Ashlie's Room anymore, but darnit... she should be here with me.  Today, putting my little patient on the school bus was extremely hard.  Even for him, I watch at the door until the bus pulls away, just like I did with Ash.  Again... it should have been me putting Ashlie on the bus. 
Ashlie did come to visit me Saturday night though.  As I was sitting there with my eyes close trying to will myself to sleep... it has been eluding me, I felt her presence.  Her smiling, happy presence... running... playing... and off she went.  Thanks honey for letting me know that you found us!!  Ashlie you will forever ever be in my heart... forever a presesnce in my life.  You made the world a better place.
TaTa4Now

What A Roller Coaster Kind of Day

Today started off as one of the best days that I have had since Ashlie passed away.  I found myself smiling and even feeling lighthearted.  The sermon at church was a good one.  It was about how Satan tries to keep us from God, many good reminders to hear.  Previously, I have mentioned that we are moving.  Well, the time is here and we will be moving this Friday!  But it is quite bittersweet.  I am excited to be moving to a larger home and also relieved to be leaving behind the home that we shared with Ashlie, because it just isn't the same without her... a new beginning for all of us.  This afternoon I again worked on packing.  This time though, I had help from my mother-in-law.  It was much welcomed.  Then came the hard time... time to pack up Ashlie's belongings.  I had asked my sister-in-law at church if she could do it for me.  I feel SO guilty asking someone else to do something so difficult;  I am very aware that it will be hard for her, too.  I can not explain nor even really describe the emptiness that I feel inside.  We placed our daughter in a box, her casket, and now we have placed all of her belongings in boxes... all we have left are boxes.  It just doesn't seem fair.  Why did she have to leave us so early?  There aren't words to properly thank my sister-in-law and mother-in-law for packing up all of her things.  I'm just not sure if I could have done it.  My heart remains heavy tonite.  She was such an angel... she is terribly missed.
TaTa4Now

Bummer...

Well, I went to my "possible" new employers yesterday.  They had asked me to come in and go observe an admission and see if I would like doing them.  All went well... and yes, I do think I would like doing them.  It would be quite a change from what I am used to doing, though.  I would only have the initial admission contact with my patients and their families and that would be it.  I do feel though, that at this time in my life, it would be a better career path.  They are not "doing anything until April" though, as they "missed" the March training session.  Ugghh... I HATE waiting!
Other than job change and moving, things have been going okay I guess.  I know that I am still in a semi-state of shock over Ashlie's loss.  I still do not quite rest well, its hard to explain but I just wake up so frequently and sleep so lightly.  But I can tell you for sure that I am SO tired of being so tired.  My mind also continues to "play games with me."  I'm ashamed to admit this, but it is simply the truth.  I find myself, on occassion, feeling as if I never even knew Ashlie.  I know that it makes no sense, and some may think "how can you say that about your own daughter?"  The analytical self in me wonders if it is a defense mechanism?  some protective mechanism?  I don't know what it is... but it is frustrating and embarassing none-the-less. 
TaTa4Now

Making A Job Change?

I'm SO excited!  When I got home Thursday night, I had a message on my answering machine... from the hospice place I applied at!  They want me to come in and follow one of their nurses to see if the job would be something I would want to do.  Has God shown me my new path?  We will see.  I follow their nurse on Monday morning!
Yesterday morning at about 6 AM as I left for work, I heard the pitter, patter of little feet.  I spun around as I thought perhaps my little dog, Patch, had somehow made it out the door as I left.  Running up to me was a tiny, little weiner dog.  He was SO scared.  I just couldn't leave him out running around, knowing soon many others would be leaving to go to work too.  So I ran him inside, leaving him in the bathroom.  I called my husband to let him know what I had done.  Of couse, he was not happy with me.  Anyways, later in the day, I made a phone call and found out that one of our neighbor's had been looking for him all day.  Good deed done.  I am so glad that I ran him inside and kept him safe and sound!
Gotta get busy packing this weekend.  We move in 13 days!  Yikes!!
TaTa4Now

Another Story - The Night After Ashlie Passed

After much debate within myself, I have decided to share yet another story with you.  It happened the night after Ashlie passed away.  Sitting on the couch in our living room, unable to sleep and overwhelmed with grief, I soon begin to feel as if someone is sitting there beside me.  Oddly enough, it kind of angered me.  As I sit there, occassionally glancing to my right, I let whomever is there know that I did not need them, I could handle this on my own... thank you very much.  Even after my "evil eye," this presence continues to sit with me... patiently... faithfully.  I have often wondered who it was.  Was it my father... who was my rock when he was alive?  my grandfather... reminding me that God was there for me always?  or my guardian angel... letting me know that he is there?  (I did feel as if it were a male presence.)  Now I look back,reflecting on this and would like to say to whomever was there... thanks!
TaTa4Now!