Two Stories to Share and Started Packing Today

We have been fortunate enough to find a new home!  And, to top it off, we will be saving almost $300 per month!!  What a blessing!  We will be leaving behind the pain of living where Ashlie used to be... NOT!  Sounds good on paper, but... the pain will NEVER be gone, but it will be helped immensely by not having to look at her closed door... with the pink from her hot pink curtains peeking out from under it.  I am greatly anticipating the move, for it is also larger than where we live now.  I am sure though, that I will have to rely on someone else to pack up her belongings.  That is something I KNOW I will not be able to do.  My sister-in-laws unpacked her things when we moved to where we are now.  It will be extremely difficult for anyone to pack up her stuff.  I don't know if I will even be able to be home when it is done.  My daughter's belongings... in boxes... never to be unpacked?  I have no idea what we will do with them.  God will need to direct my path with that one.
I made it through my first week with my new patient.  You could not ask for a more wonderful family than this precious child has.  Just another reminder that God knows exactly what he is doing.  I continue to struggle with being there though.  He is SO much like my Ashlie... it has been very, very difficult.  I will continue to pray... asking for God's guidance... anticipating a call from the hospice provider that I applied at.  Then we will see where God takes me next.
I want to share this story with you.  Where my patient lives, they received about 3 inches of snow... one of those wet snows that looks BEAUTIFUL on the trees.  Early in the morning, about 50... Yes, 50!  robins were in a tree and the bushes in his front yard... busily hopping about eating the berries off of the bushes.  I picked him up and carried him to the window, he is unable to walk.  As we stood on the landing of the stairway to the basement... which put as at the perfect eye level of their front porch, he could see the birds as they flew around... hopped around...  tree, bush... tree, bush... he smiled as he saw them.  Then guess what happened next?...  one flew right up near the window!  It chose to sit on the arm of one of the chairs on the porch... and my patient SAW IT!  What a big, happy smile he had on  his face.  The curious little robin sat there looking at us, cocking its head back and forth... watching us... watch it.  It was truly moving... made me think of my Ash and I caught myself saying "Hi Ashlie!" and telling my patient "look Henry (not his name), God sent a birdie to tell us Hi!"
Oh yes... and another story to share.  My daughter was telling me that "E", my granddaughter, had been telling her about how she had been playing with Ashee, her pronunciation of Ashlie.  Ashee has been playing in Heaven with Libby or Lippy, her dog.  She has been having fun!  My daughter then tells me, "I don't know what she is talking about, but she wanted me to know Ashlie was having fun."  Well, guess what?  My most cherished childhood dog's name was Tippy!!  All I can say is "Wow."  Enough said.
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First Day With New Patient

Yesterday was my first day with my new patient.  It was difficult.  He is SO much like Ashlie.  There wasn't any school yesterday due to it being President's Day, but today I will have to put him on the bus and get him off of the bus, just like I did with my Ashlie.  Well, time to enjoy my coffee.
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Start with new patient tomorrow

Tomorrow I start with my new patient.  He is 5 years old and his abilities are quite close to Ashlie's.  I don't know how I am going to do it.  How am I going to care for a child who is SO similar to my Ashlie?  I will get getting him ready for school, on the bus, and then off the bus.  I should be doing this for my own child!  Not someone else's.  God will have to help me through this one!
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Donated More Medical Supplies

Today we were able to donate some more of Ashlie's medical supplies.  They went to lower income families.  It feels good to know that someone, especially someone who can't afford them, can benefit from those supplies.  We also searched for more homes today.  The day started off being a dud, but as we made it further through the day, it became more successful.  We found one property that we really liked.  It was in such a quiet area and had a country feel.  Have you ever heard the saying "you can take a girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of a girl?"  Well, that is true with me.  Although we live in the city now, I will always long to be living in the country again.  But... life takes us in different directions some times.  I had yet another good day again today.  It feels so nice to finally start having some good days.  The burden on my heart remains lighter.  We were blessed with another out of character beautiful day.  Much warmer weather than we usually have this time of year.  Ashlie... it would have been a beautiful day to take you out on the trail.  Mom couldn't bring herself to go without you.
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Ashlie's Medical Equipment

A few days ago, we received a thank you from the child that received Ashlie's lift.  He thanked us for "saving his Mom's back."  I can not tell you how comforting it was to know that we were able to help someone else through our loss.  That is one of the many reasons to "pay it forward."  God continues to work with me, guiding me.  Today was the best day I have had since Ashlie passed away.  He continues to lighten the burden on my heart.  For the first time, I actually felt happy...  it is truly the first time since she passed.  I am even finding myself wanting to start my crafting again.  Today I had a job interview for a hospice nurse position.  I felt as if the interview went well.  They will be interviewing for another week or two.  I gave it my best shot... we will see what God's plan is!  Yesterday we looked for homes ALL day, and we are going out again today.  I do not enjoy this process!  It is so stressful andI will be glad when we are finished.  God be with each and every one of you.
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Choices to make and Seeing Angels?

Well... I know, I say "well" all the time...  I received a phone call today for an interview as a hospice nurse!  WOW!!  was I excited!  I jumped up and down like a kid in a candy store.  I did A LOT of praying yesterday, asking God for his guidance and for help to show me his plan for me.  He sure did!  Then just a couple of hours later, I received a phone call from my current employer, with whom I have been waiting for ANY hours from, letting me know that I will start with my new patient this coming Monday!  Wow... I couldn't believe it!  My plans are to go ahead with my interview though, it is Thursday at 1:00 PM.  I tend to really trust my "gut."  I feel like I am being "pulled" in the direction of providing hospice care.  But, I will continue to pray, asking God again for his guidance.  Love to all!!
p.s.  I almost forgot to share... tomorrow we are going to go house hunting!  I'm excited, but yet I dread it too.  Supposed to be wonderful weather!!  Wish me luck!
I also wanted to share a quick, little story.  Tonite my granddaughter, she's 2 and was very close to Ashlie, was telling MiMi (me) that "Ashie (her pronunciation) is in heaven."  MiMi "yes she is!"  Granddaughter "the boy is coming."  MiMi "He is?"  "Yes, MiMi, he is."  I then asked if "he was a big boy or a little boy?"  To which she replied "umm... a little boy.  He is here now and Ashie is having fun!"
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Just Another Day In...

I certainly can't say its "Just Another Day in Paradise" because it wasn't.  Unfortunately, I couldn't even really hear or enjoy the sermon in church today.  There are just so many things running through my mind that I can't even concentrate, it doesn't help that I didn't get much sleep last night.  All these random thoughts just continuously run through my head... nothing in particular really, just a jumbled mess.  Yet again, I don't have any hours for my patient.  Evidently the state hasn't approved them yet.  Of course, I don't really know what's going on, my employer hasn't bothered to call me and let me know.  Also, I have also stated three different times that I NEED hours!  They were supposedly going to "find" me some.  How frustrating!  Its just such horrible timing. 
Last nite and today I delivered my Valentine deliveries.  My youngest sister-in-law had us over for dinner.  I am not able to mail lollipop bouquets, so I was only able to share them with the one's that live close by.  I would have LOVED to have made them for my grandbabies, but there is just NO way to mail them and keep them intact.  Valentine's Day will be hard without Ashlie, but I will just have to try hard to focus on what I do have for I know that I am quite blessed.
I'm SO angry at myself.  It was absolutely beautiful outside today.  We have been SO cold here lately and have had quite a bit of snow.  There is a beautiful walking trail nearby and I wanted to go walking on it so badly.  But I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I enjoyed taking Ashlie on it.  She has always loved the wind in her hair.  I would put a visor on her to keep the sun out of her eyes and off we would go.  I know she would want me to go enjoy the trail again.  But I just didn't have the strength to tackle it today.  There will be another nice day... soon I hope.
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Struggling... in Several Ways

Well, I wasn't going to share this part of my journey.  Typically, by nature, I am a very private person.  But I feel as if I am teetering... unbalanced... and about to fall.  Will there be anyone to catch me if I do?  I am an RN, but my employer has not had any hours for me since Ashlie passed.  They have a new patient for me, but we are still awaiting state approval, so I have not started.  I have applied for several jobs, haven't heard from any as of yet.  I have the burden of being the breadwinner of the family, too.  Also, due to all of the snow, my husband has not had very many hours either.  So... not only are we dealing with the loss of Ashlie, but we are struggling financially as well, barely keeping our heads afloat in the tidal waves of life.  We have sold something that was meaningful to me, but alas necessary in order for us to have a roof over our heads.  My feelings run from numb... to feelings of "if one more things happens, I am not going to be able to take it"... to what are we going to do?  We don't have a grave marker for Ashlie either... yet another thing that eats away at me.  Our lease is up where we live and I desperately need out of here... looking at Ashlie's closed door all the time is just too hard.  Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode... sometimes I feel like I want to run away... sometimes I feel angry... sometimes I don't feel at all.
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Reality?

Yesterday morning I found myself listening to the songs that we chose for Ashlie's services.  I haven't done this often.  They were very cleansing... but for the first time I think I finally realized that it is true... she is gone.  I am not living in a bad dream that someone will come along and wake me up from.  I will never get to see that smile, touch her cheek, tame those curls...  I allowed myself to cry this time.  My husband was at work, youngest son was safely asleep.  I had a feeling inside of me that is indescribable...  I sat on our couch, eyes closed, listening to the music.  I began to feel as if Ashlie was there with me... and that she was telling me "Mom, its okay!  Look Momma... I'm happy, I'm really happy!  I run and play with everyone... do everything that they can do!"  She is spinning around... her curls are bouncing in the wind... and she is off running to play with her new friends. 
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What People Who Are Grieving May Need

What do people who are grieving need?  Believe me... I have first hand knowledge that they DO NOT KNOW what they need.  They are caught up in the grieving process and are not able to ask for help.  So... what could they possibly need?  That is a very difficult question to answer.  What I can tell you from my view point is this... I just simply need to know that people care and that they have not forgotten Ashlie.  As others are able to "go on about their lives" in a more normal way, we are still bound by grief.  Things as simple as a "thinking of you" card, email, text, however you feel best connecting with someone... it is simply that fact that you cared enough to let us know you were thinking of us.  I am sure that the grieving person does NOT care how they receive comfort.  Often people forget that siblings grieve too.  Offer to take the surviving siblings out to do something, anything, even just a coke, to allow them time away and allow the parents much needed time alone.  Personally, I LOVE to hear "Ashlie" stories.  For I do not want to forget her, and treasure how she touched others lives.
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One Month Today

Today marks one month since Ashlie passed.  I passed my time this morning before church like I often due, hiding behind my laptop.  Our church service was amazing this morning.  Again, I lit a candle for Ashlie, but today I actually lit one for myself... and it felt good.  When we got back home, my husband and I discussed how we were each affected by church today and just reflected back on this past month.  It was nice.  Then it was time to get my Super Bowl dip made, as my youngest son requested.  Dip... check, chips... check, sweet tea... check, nap... on my way!  Thank you God for reaching me today.  You always know what we need.
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Reflecting

This morning I am reflecting back to the morning that Ashlie passed.  My husband was already at work.  Approximately 6 AM.  I awaken.  If we didn't have a nurse overnite, one of us was always in her room with her at night.  We slept in a recliner.  Another God given moment worth noting.  We normally would have had a nurse with Ashlie on that night.  But my employer had called and asked if I could accompany a non-English speaking family to doctors appointments on that day.  So I had asked Ashlie's nurse if she could work the day shift the next day, instead of nights.  Moving on... next I do my usual routine, go start my coffee, get prepared for Ashlie's 6 AM feeding.  She had a feeding tube and was fed with a pump.  As I approach her, I notice her coloring is off.  I touch her arm, it is too cold.  I say her name, shake her... nothing.  Shake her again... nothing.  Running through my mind is this... Cheryl, you can't scream.  You have to be the strong one.  I begin softly "No, no, no."  Then the horror sinks in.  I begin screaming  "NO!  NO!  NO!"  A scream like I've never heard before, a sound like I've never heard before.  This plays over and over in my head like a tape recorder on a regular basis.  I begin looking for my husband.  I can't find him!  If I just find him, he will tell me this is all just a horrible, horrible dream.  He will awaken me.  By this time, I am running through the house screaming "Where's "his name".  Where's "his name"!!!!!"  My oldest daughter says in such a sweet, soft voice "Mom, I think he's at work.  What's wrong?"  To which I scream "Ashlie's dead!!  Ashlie's dead and I can't find "my husband!!"  By now I have the entire house awake.  I thank God my oldest daughter was here visiting from Florida.  She called my husband to tell him.  He unfortunately had to drive home after receiving this devastating news.  I had called 911.  The paramedics and police were here.  The police presence was comforting but yet a stark reality that something was wrong.  Then I look up... and see my youngest sister-in-law.  I can not tell you how much that meant to me.  Before I know it, there is my oldest sister-in-law.  With me... beside me... in a time that I have never needed them more.  Then my husband arrives.  I was afraid he would be mad at me.  Mad because I did not use my nursing skills to save our daughter.  I was the one who had let her die.  But no.  He wasn't mad at me.  He thanked me for bringing her into our lives.  Told me how wonderful I was to her and for her.  Our work is done with the police department and they arrive to take her away.  They placed our baby on a gurney, covered her with a velvety, burgandy colored cloth and covered it with a red rose.  My in-laws arrive within a few hours, travelling from out of town.  Next, it was time to bury her.  Of course, my husband's family was at my side.  My sisters-in-law offer to go get some dresses and then let me pick from them.  I remember a picture that I had found on the internet one day while looking for angels to put on Ashlie's wall beside her bed.  I had printed it out.  I showed them.  It was an angel child sitting on a white pedestal, surrounded by colorful flowers, wearing a flowing white dress.  I told them I would love for Ashlie to look just like that angel.  They return with two absolutely beautiful dresses.  As soon as they walked into the store, they saw them.  And guess what brand they were?  Cinderella.  They were able to find white, which we feared might be impossible in the winter, but alas they found them in the first store they visited.  God sent I am positive of.  The dress I chose was white with white rosettes up near her face.  When in her wheelchair, her chin support always covered up the shirt she was wearing.  Since she was free of her wheelchair now, I wanted to accent her beautiful face.  Ashlie had beautiful, spiral curls.  They also got some shiny, black shoes; lacy, white socks.  And guess what they also thought of that I hadn't?  Pretty white panties... for she was free to wear them now too.  Our angel looked just like an angel... as she deserved.  The funeral home had done just as I asked.  When they called to inform us that they now had her, I had asked them to please make her look like the angel that she was.  They did this for us.  What a gift.  My mother-in-law chose a silver necklace for her to wear.  We chose a silver bracelet.  We also requested that her fingernails be painted a soft pink.  Normally I kept her fingernails trimmed quite short, and often painted them.  They had grown out quite a bit, they grew fast.  I was glad because they looked beautiful.  We also chose a white, metal casket with a soft pink lining.  The outside had silver, antigued designs in the handles.  It also had an angel embroidered in the top liner.  Her Disney princess pillow, given to her by her sister, was left with her.  She often stared at Cinderella.  We told her that beautiful princess was her.  Sheepy, given to her by me after a hospital stay when I was her nurse, also was with her.  Sheepy, who had a baby lamb attached to her, was always in her wheelchair supporting her right arm.  Sheepy went everywhere her wheelchair went.  Picking out the music was something I could not have done without my oldest daughter.  She is the music and internet guru.  The night of visitation, I sat at the kitchen table with my granddaughter and my laptop listening to the music that I had chosen, singing along with them.  My granddaughter is only two, but she sang some of them with me.  There is NO way she could have known those words, but she did.  Yes... God was at work again.  We strumbled through her services.  We were blessed to hear the stories that people were able to share with us about Ashlie.  Yes... she had touched many hearts, not just ours.  Everyone has now paid their respects.  It is our turn to say goodbye.  Goodbye for the last time to her earthly body.  Our funeral director suggested, if we wished, that we could close the casket.  That is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Ashlie made it snow... and has continued to make it snow, getting the children out of school.  The snow on the day of her services was BEAUTIFUL.  Big, beautiful, slowly falling snow... falling gracefully to the earth.  I had thought that it would be nice to release balloons after her services... pastel pink and white.  My hope was that everyone far and wide could see them.  Again, the funeral home granted that wish too.  They even had Boost put in them so that they would go higher... further...  As we released them in that beautiful snow, they stayed together... perfectly.  It was mesmerizing. 
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Wacky Wednesday?

My dog, Patch, had a BAD seizure yesterday.  If I haven't previously mentioned, the doctor that performed Ashlie's autopsy stated that she passed from a "fatal seizure."  So, as you can imagine, I was absolutely petrified while Patch's was happening.  It wasn't his first.  I truly expected him to just simply die.  As it was happening, I tried to comfort myself by thinking that at least I will be holding him when he passes.  It is odd just how many aspects of our life are affected by our loss.  I find myself often just sitting... waiting... for my next loved one to pass.  Weird...  I know.  Then, I find myself wondering... how can I survive yet another loss?  My Dad, expectedly... my Mom, unexpectedly, but a part of you knows eventually you will bury your parents... then my daughter, unexpectedly.  My youngest son also has health issues, he was born 12 weeks premature in 1993.  There is a strong possibility that we will bury him too.  Perhaps that is why I find myself just waiting... waiting for the next loss to come.  I know that I need to rely on my faith, but that also is something I struggle with on some days.  I am anxiously awaiting church on Sunday again.
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Ashamed...

I am ashamed to admit what I am about to write.  But... the intention of sharing this journey is two-fold.  A way for me to express my feelings and to share those feelings with others in the hope that they also can benefit from them.  So... here I go.  Tonite I am finding myself a bit angry with Ashlie.  I know... how on Earth can I be angry with her?  I have no answer to that question.  Perhaps I am being selfish and just want her here with me.  So therefore I am angry with her for not being here?  I don't know...  Although the reality of the fact that she is gone is settling in more and more, there is still that part of me that thinks it is STILL just a dream. 
Today we have had a blizzard, it hasn't ended yet either.  Yes, a true blizzard.  I'm not sure how much snow we have yet, but I read that it was 11 inches a few hours ago.  I've never quite seen snow like I watched today... blowing, horizontally... very limited visibility.  I was fascinated by it... knowing that our little angel had done it again.  Just like the day we laid her to rest...  Momma misses you dearly Angel...
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